5 Great Dark Humor Jokes

1) The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

2) A man is running along the beach when he notices a woman with no arms and no legs, crying. He stops and asks her,
"What's wrong?" To which she replied,
"I see all these couples together every day, and I've never been hugged before."
So the man hugs her and walks away.
The next day, he runs along the same beach and sees the same woman crying.
"What's wrong this time?" He says.
"Well, I've never been kissed before."
So he kisses her and runs off.
The third day, he sees her on his run again, and she is crying.
"What's wrong? " he says.
"Well, this might be a bit much, but I've never been fucked before" she replied.
"Well that's not a problem at all" he says.
So he picks. her up by the torso and throws her into the ocean.
"Well you're fucked now!"

3) A pregnant woman is in labor for many hours at the hospital. Finally the baby is delivered, and the exhausted woman holds out her arms. "Give me my baby," she says. "I want to hold my baby."
"Just a moment, ma'am," the doctor says. "I'm sure you know there's a routine procedure we follow for newborns." He turns the child over and slaps it on its butt.
"OK," says the woman. "Now give me my baby."
"Just a moment, ma'am, just a moment," says the doctor. Then he turns the baby over again, and punches it square in the face.
The woman gasps. "Ok, ok!" she says. "Now give me my baby!"
"Ma'am," the doctor says reassuringly. "Trust me. I'm a professional. Just one more moment, please." With this, he takes the baby by the ankles, raises it above his head, and slams it against a steel operating table, over and over again.
"Oh my God!" the woman screams. "You killed my baby!"
"Aw, I'm just fucking with you," the doctor laughs. "It was already dead."

4) A woman is standing on a bridge above a cliff and is contemplating suicide. As she is about to jump, a man yells out and stops her.
They talk briefly, where the man tries to convince her not to jump. Unfortunately, she confirms this is the fate she wants. At which point the man asks "Well, since you're so inclined, would you like to have sex with me before you commit suicide?". She declined the man's request. So he simply replies "Ok then." and runs off.
Quite confused, the woman stops the man and asks him where he's running off to. To which he replies "I need to hurry down this bridge, otherwise you'll be cold already.".

5) A kid gets home from school and sadly says to his Mom ,"I got in trouble at school today". His Mother asks, "what for?", "having sex with my teacher" replies the boy. His outraged Mother starts screamjng and yelling and tells the boy to go upstairs and wait for his Father.
When the boys Father gets home she tells him "Go talk tp your son. He got in trouble today." The Dad goes upstairs and goes in the boys room and asks him what he got trouble for. The boy replies with "having sex with my teacher." The father gets a huge smile on his face and says, "Good job son! That's great! Im sooo proud of you How about I buy you a new bike?". "Awesome!", the son replies. And off to the store they go.
The next day after they had gotten the bike. The father noticed the boy hadn't ridden the bike all day. Puzzled, the father asks his son, "How come you haven't ridden your new bike today? I thought you liked it?" The boy looks at his dad and says "I do like it dad...Its just my butt still hurts."