dwelling in darkness or walking in the light. i came to realize that i am afraid of the light. much of my life is lived in secret. secrets from my wife, secrets from my family, secrets from my employers and employees, everything is a secret. it's like i'm a cockroach building an empire on the floor of a darkened room. i work feverishly to build everything i have. i take shortcuts to get to what i think is the right destination. i make a mess, but it's okay because it's dark and i can't really see the mess that i'm making. let's face it - out of sight, out of mind. People walking by the room i'm in can hear me working; again, make no mistake about it i am an expert at making it sound like what i'm doing is productive and creative and accomplished. but in reality, it's all a sham. i'm not motivated. i'm not excited about me, my job, or my marriage. i take shortcuts to do only what it takes to get by. the structures and plans i'm building in this darkened room of my life are actually flimsy, weak, and shabby. i'm constantly trying to make sure it all doesn't crumble. here's the fear part: what if somebody turned on the light? they would see it all and expose everything. the floor would be littered with dirt, trash, and failed attempts at looking good. my projects would look more awful to me in the light than they feel in the dark. i would have to actually face all of the lies and deciet i have worked so hard to build. then everything would be gone. my wife would leave me, my family would be disappointed in me, i'd lose my job, i wouldn't get to see my kids much, and i'd lose the few friends i have. talk about a fresh start, huh? i'd have nothing but a reputation for being a fraud. i would have to earn everybody's trust again. i need the Lord so badly. i need Him constantly - even when things are good. i have a tendancy to forget about Him and put Him away when things or good, or when I'm not playing much basketball. that's sad. He's with me no matter what, and I'm grateful.
POSTED BY LANTERN AT 2:39 PM
THURSDAY, JANUARY 30, 2003

I felt really good this morning. I don't know if it's the Power 90, the music I've been listening to, or what. but i felt really good. i hope it stays through the afternoon. i hope i play well tonight. i haven't felt that rush of ability and stamina in a long time. i really love it. i love just gliding through my motions and having unlimited speed and energy. the problem is i've been thinking about trying to get there. it doesn't work that way. 

i don't want to be home that badly, but i do. wierd, huh? she is just devastated by the asperger's thing. you can't even talk about it without her crying. it's driving me nuts. i work in this pit all day with two-faced people who pretend they're my friends, and then i go home to sadness, pouting, and crying. it makes for very long evenings. he'll be fine. yes, he may be teased; but tell me one kid who went through life without that happening. he well just take some extra work and patience. 

what i really want is God in my heart and to change because of it. just listening to the right music makes me feel so much lighter that it's not even funny. i want to serve Him the right way all the time - not just when i feel like it. the small tastes of His peace and deliverance were undescribably freeing. yet for some reason, i always fall back into my own self-defeating behaviors. last night i was so angry at her - so ready to just let every feeling and every word jammed inside of me to just erupt onto her - that i couldn't hardly stand it. i watched tv for a while, and then it was gone. the anger, the frustration, the bitterness was simply gone. i know He touched me and relieved me. i felt physically lighter. it was wonderful. i hope the peace stays and i hope i allow myself to feel it and praise Him.