1.A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
 
“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

2.Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”
 
Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“

3.Job interview in a psychiatry: 

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?
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I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.
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Very good, the job is yours.