When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
----------
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
---------
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
----------
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
----------
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
----------
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
----------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
----------
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
----------
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
----------
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.