"The Alternate"
(C) 2003 Jared Falvo
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She wanted me. But not the me that she had gotten to know so well over the years. No, we were just 'good friends'. She wanted, what I call, 'The Alternate'. He is that full moon-evoked second persona of mine that is without humanity. Of those rare times I can remember only a fragment of, I recall the sensation of being virtually an insignificant part of a powerful whole that would like nothing more than to quench my portion out of existence and live purely for the lust of killing and the taste of blood... forever.
She knew that he and I were inseparable. He and I lived a cycle of existence that waxed and waned with the moon. In fact, she didn't know that I knew she wanted him, but I sensed it. If there was one attribute I was actually grateful to him for, it was the ability to sense things than no human ever could. I knew things that no one else did, just by being around a person.
But just as she wanted him, for whatever reason I couldn't begin to fathom, I wanted her. However, I knew the walls of separation were too hardened to ever be broken down. I would never have her... unless...
I knew that I existed as some part of The Alternate, regardless how small. If only I could find a way to increase my territory within him. There had to be a way. If I could accomplish that, the possibilities were endless!
I isolated myself, in strenuous research, up at my cabin retreat. I started by taking a 'transformation' sample of my blood via a slow IV pump. It draws a small sample of blood every minute and stores it in a separate vial. I set it for a 15 minute draw period, after which it would shut off. This way I could examine each sample separately and see what the variations were.
The effort was less than spectacular. Although I found a trace of my own DNA in his, in the fully transformed sample, it was difficult to decipher at what point my DNA began to degrade during the transformation and where. It was almost as though my DNA transformed rather than being replaced.
Though I found this hard to comprehend, I decided to work with it. I hypnotized myself using a special recording. During that recording, I located The Alternate in a dark recess of my psyche. He was a seething beast full of hatred and bloodlust. As soon as he saw me, he snarled. I stepped back, fearful that he might lunge and attack.
"Hate you. Trapped." he growled at me.
I was stunned. He could speak! I decided, however, to try and reason with him as best I could.
"Why do you hate me?" I asked.
"Trapped." he answered.
"Trapped here?" I queried.
"In you." he replied.
It then occurred to me that he was right. His existence was dictated by the full moon and he was trapped in me until then. I looked around and suddenly realized that the territory I now occupied was vast, while his space was insignificant compared to it. The juxtaposition was unmistakable. Was I cowered in this same space while he roamed free? The concept wasn't desirable. Then a thought occurred to me.
I was now inside my subconscious psyche, like a dream. Things were real and tangible here, but in the conscious realm, when he took over, I blacked out. I wondered what might happen if I were here when the transformation occurred, on the inside of my mind rather than in the conscious realm.'
"What if I let you free?" I asked him.
"No do! Moon!" he snapped.
"But I am here now. Not away." I replied.
He wagged his head.
"Here, let me try to..." I offered, in assistance.
"Ouch!" I gasped.
As soon as I reached out for him, I was shocked by an invisible force surrounding him in this small space.
"Help? No." he growled with a sneer.
I now knew why he couldn't move.
"If I can find a way to let you out, can we be friends?" I asked.
He chuckled. "I free. You trapped. No friends. No way."
I figured he was saying that if I got him out, I would be trapped and so we could never be friends. We were each enslaved by the lunar cycle. It didn't matter who was free, when. We'd trade places during our appointed time. I was frustrated. I looked at the pillar in the distance, the time marker specified in the recording. The shadow was growing long. I had to leave.
"I'll be back, my friend." I said, as I faded into the conscious realm...
I pondered what I had just witnessed. There was a substantial barrier preventing his escape during the majority of the month. But, surely, there had to be some way of breaching it. Of course, what if I did that and set him loose to run rampant forever? Or what if I upset the pattern of the lunar cycle? No, that would be too risky. There had to be another way.
So, day after day, I went back to him in the subconscious realm. I tried to become friendly with him, trying to let him know I was there to keep him company. He seemed to become less and less agitated by my presence and calm down as the days passed. His English even improved somewhat. It was then, a few days prior to the next full moon, when he told me a secret.
"At full moon, you appear. I am released and grab you. Put you here. I go free for some time. You trapped."
So that was how it happened. I actually lost consciousness when I changed.
I decided to see exactly what happened if I was here when the full moon arose. I went to visit him as the sun was setting on the night of the full moon. As we talked, I saw the territory grow dark, like night. I could now see the field of containment surrounding him. It was slowly fading. He howled triumphantly and bristled with energy.
"My time... is... NOW!" he snarled, as he burst through the barrier towards me.
But it wasn't me he was after... or at least not the part of me that was here. He sniffed and looked around.
"You're not here! Where you be?" he growled.
I actually didn't know. I felt pretty complete as it was. Then he looked at me again.
"You not here! No freedom!" he snapped.
I almost felt sorry for him. Then something occurred to me. I reached out for his paw.
"I can give you freedom. Trust me." I said, calmly.
He extended his paw to me. As soon as we touched, my hand... became our paw! He grunted at this new sensation.
"Where your hand go?" he growled.
I flexed our paw.
"You move my paw? How?" he grunted.
I quickly realized what was happening, though it wasn't how I figured it would happen.
"Be still, my friend. Your freedom is coming..."
He looked at me questioningly.
"You really help me be free?" he asked.
"Yes, I will." I answered, and I took hold of him.
The sensation was quite interesting. The more I merged with him, the more I felt like him, but in a way that felt like I'd always been him. Upon completely merging into him, I blacked out for a moment. When I awakened, I was back in the realm of the conscious. It was night and I felt different. Everything looked different to me, almost foreign. I then noticed something that, briefly, seemed perfectly normal to me. I was covered in fur! It was then that I, in some way, remembered that I used to be human! After spending some time getting used to consciously being The Alternate, I realized that I had an intense blood lust that was literally exhilarating! I wanted something to kill and devour so bad, my stomach was screaming for it. I realized that the transformation was undoubtedly fueling this desire because of the energy expended in the transformation itself. It was quickly becoming difficult to resist the urge to run rampant, but I had to manage... somehow.
As I made my way down the dirt road, I remembered there was a cattle farmer not far from my home. I decided, if I was going to keep my control in this new form, I had to at least give my companion traits some freedom. So, I relinquished some control. Bad mistake. He took it and tried to obliterate me with it! We ran at top speed, loping along the terrain like we had been born there. We reached the farmer's property in no time. It took everything I had to keep him from ripping straight into the herd. We couldn't afford any unnecessary attention. I pulled my will into focus and brought him in line. He snarled and raged in my mind, seeking any way he could to regain control, but I was able to convince him that we needed to work together, now that we were both in control. Our scent distressed the herd, but we maneuvered downwind and timed a precise attack. Had I been human, I'm sure I would have felt sorry for the steer, but I was too hungry to care any longer. I was surprised just how much strength this body wielded. I grabbed and wrestled the steer to the ground before stunning him with a blow to the head. All in all, it took about five seconds, but now the others were making so much commotion, I knew I wouldn't have much time before the farmer was alerted to the disturbance. I quickly hoisted the steer onto my shoulders and ran back to the safety of my own property.
We fed heartily in the privacy of our territory, leaving nothing but the bones of our prey in a neat pile. By dawn, there would be nothing left to find, even if they searched our property. This body was excellent at digging as well and we buried the bones deep. We rested until dawn, when it was time for him to retreat and for me to emerge singular again. But our friendship was now unified and whole, never to fight the mind's battleground anymore.
As I should have suspected, there was an investigation of the missing steer. They, of course, came to me as the closest likely suspect. I told them to look around as much as they wanted. They, of course, found nothing. Not even so much as a hoof print. They never thought to look inside the house, but why would I be hiding a steer in my house? The animal's hide, however, was another story and would make a wonderful wall hanging... a 'trophy' reminder of our first kill.
I've been The Alternate quite a few years now, but I've always prevented The Alternate from escaping thanks to having Tara, whom has known of my 'problem' since day one, bind me in chains prior to each change. The energy expended during the transformation required that The Alternate feed within an hour, or it would grow too weak to survive and revert back to human. Needless to say, when I emerged, I was literally starving!
How I became The Alternate was something of a strange situation. As a Marine, years ago, I was engaged in troop movements through some mountains in occupied territory. I was instructed to break off and scout to the North. Bad mistake. As the rest of my team was taking gunfire and running for cover, I ran into a landmine. Ouch. I was brought to slight consciousness, an indeterminate amount of time later, as I felt something licking my face and looked into the eyes of a wolf! I passed out a moment later. I woke up again in a military hospital. I was a bloody mess, but relatively unscathed. They all kept saying it was a miracle that I actually survived stepping on a landmine, much less being in one piece, but I began to wonder. All I could think about was the face of that wolf as I looked in it's eyes. Had I actually survived or did that wolf bring me back from the dead? I never mentioned anything of my experience to anyone else. I figured it didn't really matter. I was at least alive and whole. However, the entire experience left me feeling just a bit different than I did before. A bit more sense-oriented and alert to my surroundings. Although the doctors would have had me believe it was a bit of the "post-traumatic", I knew better. I retired from the military, decorated with honors for my years of service.
There was quite a sense of accomplishment in acquiring our first kill. Even if it was stolen. It was the fact that we had finally killed something, satiating our blood lust and hunger for this month. Actually, when I think about it, it's not too big a price to pay for someone to avoid getting eaten by a werewolf, had they known they were in such danger. But, out of neighborly kindness, I offered to help pay for his missing steer. He thanked me, accepting my offer. But I knew one thing... if this happened again, things wouldn't be so easy next time.
All these years, as The Alternate, I've spent many an hour thinking about that wolf that changed my life. In fact, somehow, I've know it's never strayed far from me. Perhaps watching me under cover of darkness, through a stand of trees. Maybe that's why I'd always look around when I felt 'watched', almost hopeful, to see it again. And, as The Alternate, I certainly never had the time to go looking for it, since I was too busy struggling against my restraints or, most recently, looking for food. But now, because I had found a way to unite with my inner beast, I had time and interest to go search.
I gathered up my things and returned to the city. Tara greeted me warmly, but without any hint of affection. Guess being away hadn't changed things as far as she was concerned. But, at least, I knew things would be different from now on. Next month she was going to have The Alternate and I was going to have her!
I told her of my blood analysis findings, but only the fact that I couldn't make sense of them. After looking at them herself, she couldn't make any sense of them either.
"Guess you kinda wasted your time, huh?" she replied, almost arrogantly, as though she had made some better discovery while I'd been away.
"Well, the air is a lot healthier up there... not to mention no chipped teeth trying to breathe it." I answered with a chuckle.
She smiled. Business as usual...
I had figured that the city would be someplace where I'd never feel alone, but I did. No sooner had I gotten settled back in, than I started feeling an emptiness I couldn't make sense of. Companionship was something I never required a lot of, just once in awhile, but suddenly I craved it like it was the most important thing to me. The odd thing was, it wasn't Tara I was thinking about during this time... it was the wolf!
I then realized the wolf was an undeniable part of the puzzle. A piece that was there, just out of reach. But why was I longing for it? And why now? Why not years earlier? I'd never felt this way before and it seemed more than just coincidental that it should happen now, just after my experience at the cabin. I had to figure it out.
I took everything into consideration and tried to cross-reference each detail. I wrote down exactly how I felt and what my emotions were to see they matched with animal-type emotions. The results were expected. I was reacting like a wolf. No doubt about it. But what scared me was the fact I didn't know if I was losing my humanity permanently or not. Was I destined to become The Alternate forever, ruled by it's desires or was something else taking place? I was uncertain.
And then a scuffling noise at my balcony slider. Who on earth was out there? The drapes were closed, so I couldn't see out. I carefully pulled the drapes aside. And lo... there it was... the wolf! But how did it get out there? It's whimpers gave me reason enough to let it in. As it bounded in, it jumped about quite excitedly and then jumped on me! I embraced it in my arms and hugged it as it licked my face. But as I held it, it began to change! It was but a mere few moments before it raised upright and looked at me. It was The Alternate! But how...
"I am the one who put the wolf within you. The one you saw on the mountain range as you lay dying from your wounds. The wolf within you restored your health. It was the only way."
I was utterly surprised that this creature spoke so naturally to me. And then I realized it didn't speak to me inasmuch as it spoke to my mind! Telepathy? A baffling concept, but one I had to accept. I tried to answer by voice, but it growled at me upon doing so.
"Your words are foreign to me. I do not understand them. Our minds speak a universal language. Please speak in that manner."
So I did and our conversation began.
What I learned was that I was a transitionary receptacle for the wolf within me. It would remain trapped in me, except during the full moon, as long as I did not merge with it. But I had!
"Your union with the wolf is but the first step in your transition as One. When you are ready, you will become that which is within you."
So I was destined to become The Alternate? But what of it's blood lust and hatred for mankind?
"The wolf does not understand that which is foreign to it. It lives based on it's instinct. Mankind seeks to kill our kind and so we return the gesture. Our blood lust is a need to destroy all that which is foreign to us, to return us to an environment which is familiar to us. We started out in the wilds of this earth and we endlessly seek to restore this earth to that state."
So then, The Alternate's blood lust wasn't a need to kill humans out of pure retribution or sport, but to destroy anything that wasn't it's kind or the same as it's original environment. I was tending to think this beast's intentions were more noble by the minute! But I was also about to find out something I hadn't quite expected.
"The wolf in you is the gender of it's receptacle. I seek a mate. I have chosen you."
I was utterly stunned. I was chosen by a werewolf... a female werewolf... to be her mate? It suddenly all made sense. The longing I felt for her was because we were meant to be together. But was it my emotions or his... or ours?
"The wolf within you affects your own perceptions and desires. The more you unite with it, the less you will perceive mankind to be your kind. Eventually, the union you share will complete the transition and you will no longer be human. Your humanity extinguished as easily as a candle's flame blown out by a slightest breath. My mate will emerge, triumphant against your humanity."
This seemed like a threat to my very existence, yet compelling in a way. Perhaps it was the way I felt about the wolf in me. I felt that we had, more or less, become sociable with each other during our first union. I couldn't say we were friends yet, but I was sure that would change as we grew closer together. Even as I thought on these things, I couldn't help but to keep looking at the wolf standing before me. In all probability, she would appear most terrifying to any sane human, but I began to find her quite attractive. It didn't take me long to realize that I was transitioning even as the very seconds passed. I saw her sniff, as though trying to smell something faint.
"Yes, I sense it now. Your humanity is swiftly fading, even as we speak. I see the look in your eyes."
Was it that obvious? Of course it was! I was no fool. I knew I wanted her. Why, I couldn't say, but something in me was coaxing me on. Closer and closer it encouraged me, to the cliff of my humanity and unto oblivion. Now it was becoming difficult to decide if I really wanted to remain human or not. As if my thoughts were not my own anymore. When I'd try to think about the things I valued as a human, it was as though they vanished like a mirage. Like a thought that is on the tip of your tongue to be spoken and it's there for a fraction of an instant, but before you can say it, it's gone! It grew frustrating... so very frustrating. I began to growl angrily.
"I feel your presence, my mate! I am here. I have come to take you from the corpse of this weak human. Come hither and let us join our pack!"
I felt the fur and claws of the wolf forcing their way through. I knew I was losing this battle at a rapidly increasing rate. If I didn't do something now, it would be over in a moment and I would be gone. If I was to survive this takeover, I had to do something. And fast! I could see her look of triumphant passion. She lifted her head and howled. Oh, how I wanted to join in chorus with her, but I knew that would be my end, if I yielded.
And then it happened...
I snapped. In a state of 90% transformation, I chose to remain alive! To still exist! To retain some portion of humanity! If, for no other reason, than to show this canid bitch that my humanity was stronger than she gave it credit, I rose up from within and held the beast at bay. I stared her down and then lunged at her, grabbing her by the throat.
"You'll not take your mate from my hide so easily!" I snarled, in barely intelligible vocal English, and thought the same.
She yelped and whimpered at being held in such a powerful, dominating grasp. She hadn't expected me to survive.
"But... but..."
That was all she could stutter in her mind as she urinated on the floor as a sign of submission. I liked it! I had never, in all my life, ever felt so powerful and in control. I snarled and I howled with lupine passion, but I was still there! But I knew I didn't want to remain this way. It was my swan song, so to speak. My last flare of humanity's fire, before submitting to what I knew was my destiny.
"Never forget this night, my mate. The night I, as a human, proved that you far underestimated the power of humanity. And, as well, the night I, as a wolf, became your mate for life."
The look in her beautiful eyes was one that showed an awe and respect for both of us. It was also a look that made me want her beyond comprehension. I cradled her in my arms and licked her soft muzzle. She returned the gesture and our first night together began...
Our passion knew no bounds as we fell to the floor We nipped and bit each other in loving playfulness. It didn't seem to matter to her that I, her mate, was not entirely wolf. And it surely didn't matter to me, for I was enjoying this experience of being a wolf and yet having some small spark of my humanity to appreciate it as no human would ever know. It wasn't long before our playfulness faded into genuine mating and I shall never forget that night. Something transpired during our coupling that made my previous life as a human seem insignificant and worthless. As though it were a mere dream. A wisp of nothingness in the great space of the universe. Our howls of passion that night surely extended miles beyond the walls of my condominium.
Such was our noise that it woke up everyone in the complex, including Tara. She had a key to my place and used it to enter. Foolish human. Had it not been for my spark of humanity, she surely wouldn't have survived. We had finished mating and were resting, when she entered. We both rose to face the intruder, but it was my mate that fell upon Tara first.
"No!", I growled and thought the same. "Leave her." I thought, as I stayed her fury, coaxing her paw from around Tara's throat. "Our time here has alerted others to our presence. We must leave.. NOW!"
As she released her grip and turned, I looked into Tara's eyes. There was fear, but also confusion.
"It wasn't meant to be. Go now." I growled to her in my difficultly spoken English.
She did...
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It's been years since that night and I am still this way. After we left the humans behind, I chose to release my final trace of humanity. The part of me that no longer served a purpose in my new heritage. But upon trying to doing so, it persisted! I gave in, yielding completely to the wolf, and yet this worthless, annoying speck lived on! Perhaps it is not so much a speck of humanity as it is such memories that persist. But, if just memories, then why can I do what my kind can't? Or is it that they won't? I suspect that it is this speck that gives me the lone ability to write this at all, when my kind do no such things. My kind share our history to following generations by tongue or thought, nothing more. But I suspect that there is some amount of appreciation that I am, at least fractionally, different from the rest. I find it difficult to hold a human's writing instrument in my paw, to write words instead of thinking them or speaking them in our native tongue, but I know that I do this to serve a purpose. Perhaps it is to keep record of our lives as we strive to restore this world to it's original beauty, even if that means destroying everything that mankind has built and consuming humans like a cattle feast.
Our pack has recently warned me against writing, for one of my previous works was stolen by a human. The scent was unmistakable. But what they don't know is it is the scent of Tara, the lady human I spared that night so long ago. If she is bold enough to risk her life to intrude our territory when we are away, and to take only my writings, then she is a fool for thinking it would be worth doing so.. I have written this, an accounting of days that are now foreign to me in no human language. In giving up my humanity, I lost my ability to speak or write any English, what little was left of that night. It is now just a word to me, one that I can write about but never speak nor write in again. But that is ok. My writings are safe. No man would ever be able to decipher them, so what have we to concern over?
THE END
