It all started when our uber geek, Bill Brasky, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling very pleased, Bill Brasky attacked a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little... oafish. Bill Brasky called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very happy Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured him that most venomous koalas shudder before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually surreptitiously yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Bill Brasky? Because she had snuck out from Bill Brasky's with the iPad only six days prior. It was a saucy little iPad... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. Leroy Jenkins shuddered. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the iPad and she had to do it thoughtfully. She figured that if Bill Brasky took the time machine, she had take at least four minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be ridiculously screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by six funny-smelling marmots that were lured by her iPad. Leroy Jenkins grimaced; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling pleased, she fearlessly reached for her banana and skillfully hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Segway rolling up. It was Bill Brasky.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Bill Brasky was out of the Segway and went scandalously jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the iPad into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind her refrigerator. Leroy Jenkins was stunned but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins earnestly purred. With a calculated push, Bill Brasky opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish social outcast in a time machine,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured him. Bill Brasky took a seat hilariously close to where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Bill Brasky was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Leroy Jenkins noticed a pestering look on Bill Brasky's face. Bill Brasky slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in her shin when Bill Brasky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the iPad right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Bill Brasky's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bill Brasky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Bill Brasky randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.
Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been ten seconds. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Leroy Jenkins groped exotically in Bill Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Bill Brasky grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill Brasky,' she rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little pestering, so Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at her or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bill Brasky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Bill Brasky. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Bill Brasky was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Bill Brasky had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Bill Brasky. Already weakened from his injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his iPad.
But then God came down with His charismatic smile and restored Bill Brasky's iPad. Feeling angered, God smote the marmots for their injustice. Then He got in His spaceship and blasted away with the fortitude of one million long-haired sea monkeys running from a little pack of spotted wolf hamsters. Bill Brasky shimmied with joy when he saw this. His iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes his favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When man-eating capybaras meet malaria'). Bill Brasky was relieved. And so, everyone except Leroy Jenkins and a few malaria-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.
