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Carlf
by carlf on 2004 Apr 7 - 04:41 | reply to this comment
Re: Maybe a bit too domineering for right now...
Carlf commented that ConfusedofHomeCounties's idea of getting his wife to set her own limits is a bit too domineering.
What I myself like about ConfusedofHomeCounties's idea for how to proceed (and indeed Melanie's and Anna's wonderful ideas) is that it takes into account the fact that your wife wants you to take her in hand but does not want to have to tell you what to do. It is a clever way of ensuring that there is consent, because instead of just asking her (which we have already established makes her feel in charge herself) you would be seeking her consent in a dominant way – which she would like. The particular details of how you do this will depend on you and your wife as indivuduals, and on your relationship, but I am in complete agreement with Melanie, Anna, and ConfusedofHomeCounties that seeking consent in a dominant way would be an excellent solution to the problem posed. I did not find ConfusedofHomeCounties's suggestion domineering, I thought it was brilliant, and that it would most definitely work for me personally! It is such a marvellous combination of taking charge and seeking consent. I love it.
by Sarah Cavendish on 2004 Apr 7 - 08:36 | reply to this comment
I married a lioness, not a house cat
In reference to Sarah's comment:
Carlf commented that ConfusedofHomeCounties's idea of getting his wife to set her own limits is a bit too domineering.
It wasn't the idea of her setting her own limits. I was specifically referring to the following:
Tell her you want to talk to her, and then tell her that you are the head of the household, and therefore her leader. Not will be, not want to be, but that you are.
Perhaps "domineering" was the wrong word. In fact, this is more of a stylistic thing. I'm not comfortable with the level of inequality implied and I'm quite sure that she wouldn't be comfortable either.
Dominance is a matter of degrees. The "head of household" paradigm combined with the notion of "Not will be, not want to be but that you are," implies a relationship that is imposed on her rather than surrendered by/from her. While I am willing to change the balance of equality to some degree, I'm not willing to go that far.
A big part of what I love about her is her inner strength. That has been there since the beginning of our relationship. She is one of the few women I know whose strength of personality is a match for my own.
