Some call it smooching. Others Frenching or playing tonsil-hockey. Very few go with the scientific term of philematology, but many of you are asking just how long you should save that first kiss. Amidst growing pressure for a Christian girl to save her first kiss for her wedding day, I see this decision becoming something of a fad. Her healing process was unduly challenging. I think, for her, the decision to save her first kiss was a legalistic choice in an effort to conform to those around her rather than a specific personal calling prompted by time in communion with God. And that makes all the difference in the world! If your choice to save your first kiss is primarily to conform to people around you, please your parents, or fit in with your homeschool group…it is an empty decision that leaves you open to powerful temptations that may leave you giving up more than just a kiss. First, we have to be careful not to make standards that are even the tiniest bit contrary to the heart of scripture. And scripture encourages kissing! The Apostle Paul encourages us to greet each other with a holy kiss. Every now and then I meet an older man or woman who has walked with God for so long that their lives exude love. They greet me with hugs and kisses no matter how well I know them. Second, I Timothy 5:2 says that guys are supposed to treat us like sisters, with absolute purity. I think that when we get obsessive about avoiding kisses that we run the risk of making all kisses sensual and that makes all guys sexual objects or predators. When in fact, we need to look at them as brothers who guard our purity. We give unnecessary power to the sexual tension between male and female friendships and define them as mostly sensual when we stop thinking of guys as brothers. And a brother would greet you with a kiss. My 21-year-old son greets his 18-year-old sisters with a big bear hug and a kiss on the head when he sees them. And the epitome of purity. The biggest problem we have with kissing is in defining what one is. More on that in my next post. Do you think our culture has a chance of getting back the sweet kiss that the Apostle Paul wrote about? I get what you are saying, but I see a big difference between a peck on the cheek and on on the lips. When i was 8 i went to my cousins wedding and they saved their first kiss for their wedding and i was inspired by that. It was so pure and perfect. We have no definition. I wish i knew. But the bible also calls us to be pure. I believe each person decides how far to take that statement. But i do give any family member of mine a kiss on the cheek. That does mean a lot. But I dont think we need to push that to the extent of kissing our guy friends on the cheek, because of how our culture looks at it. Do you get what im saying. I could be totally wrong.. I agree that it can be legalistic in some circles. Funny how peer pressure is not always secular. I only dated one guy, we became Christians on the same evening and I married him…35 years and still in love with my best friend. I totally agree with the fact that we have sensualized kissing. We have made everything sensual and sexual in our current culture. I do feel a little antsy about this post, but of course, I know that the heart wants what the heart wants, so anything and anyone can take something and twist it however they want to fit their own desires, whether pure or not. I did however, take a step back and rethink what I have been telling my own girls….. Such a fine line here….. I do think that most of the kissing that goes on now in dating relationships is NOT helping either party involved and I just have to think that it would be extremely difficult if not next to impossible for teenagers who are dating to kiss and not NATURALLY lead the to the next step. I mean the feelings that certain kinds of kissing stirs up…. I think the type of kissing you are speaking of is how I may feel about my mother or father, children or some friends. Making the decision could most definitely be a legalistic one, but I still like encouraging teens to seek out scripture and make their decisions based on what it has to say about purity and praying and asking the Lord to show them what He wants for them. I have made the personal decision to save my first kiss for my wedding day for many reason. I am exceedingly grateful that though my parents never created the purity standards I set for myself, since my early teens, they have been supportive. I saw physical expressions of love treated as meaningless by my cousins and friends, and I knew my heart could not live with such a cheapened expression of love. I understood how rare and valuable my first kiss is, and that I wanted to show to my husband how much I loved him, that I respected him and myself enough to wait until our wedding day. I have been told by friends and guys who have pursued me that I was ridiculous. One guy told me that no one would be willing to wait that long. It has been discouraging to have people repeat that no one will honor my standards. Will no one want to treasure me and my purity enough to put aside their own desires? I promised God I would protect my purity, not my parents, not a youth group. My relationship with God is the most important relationship I ever have, and should influence all other relationships in my life. I am 23 and I have never been kissed. It is simply my expression of surrender to my Saviour, and I look forward to giving my first kiss to my husband one day! I admire your standards Sierra. Not many people have the self-control to do that. I am 22 and I have never kissed a girl or been kissed, but I have been wondering, if I should save my first kiss, till marriage or not. Who cares if the world thinks if we kiss our brothers and sisters with a holy kiss that it is wrong. As long as our heart is in the right place, God will be pleased. Cause I do want to kiss her badly, but I now think that if we wait till we are married, that it will be so much better for us both in the end. My sister, and a good friend of mine are doing the same thing and they inspire me. So God help me, stand by what I say. Help me not to breach that barrier, but to stay pure in all things, till God comes back to save me from sins power. Thanks so much for writing about this. You would not believe how ring this us for my family. My 16 year old son is currently having this debate with his girlfriend. They are both Christians. My son does not want to kiss until he is married and his girlfriend does she would be happy with cheek kisses. I appreciate the point that you brought up about ones purpose for having this goal, that it should be something that came from time spent with God and not just a pride thing. I am going to reinforce this with my son and pray that God will lead him to an answer that he can live with and live up too. Thanks for providing this ministry! However, I am convicted to save it for the moment. Not man, even with the best of intentions! Please…Please i really dont want to see someones first kiss. I know several good Christian girls who brag about saving it for the big day. I get the whole idea. Its just not good for anyone i believe. Im a preachers wife and all for morals but we get out of hand really. His past will probably make a difference in the level of physical affection in our pre-marriage relationship. If I end up dating someone who has kept pure like I have, two thumbs up for sweet kisses! This is such a hard one. We had no idea that kissing could get one going so! Thanks Dannah for your passion in enouraging purity and modesty, and helping give us mothers tools in this. This is a tough topic, and tough topics are generally the hardest to answer. Thanks for sharing this topic. I am raising my children to be well versed on purity. But I also tell them that all I can do is give them the truth and they will have to choose what to do with it and let them know that I will love them no matter what their choices are. Both of my children say that they believe as we do. My daughter is 18 and my son is 14. We have had many friends who have many different experiences with this. One couple that is so very precious only dated each other and waited until he was 21 and she was 18 to date, decided that they would be okay with kissing shortly after they comitted to each other. They soon found themselve kissing all of the time and that it was making things more difficult. So they sat down and decided boundaries and decided to refrain from kissing until their wedding. They are happily married for several years now. I think it is up to the individual to make this decision. I am almost 16 years old, and I am saving my first kiss for the day I say I Do. I personaly thing that this is a very private choice. I had a cousin about 5-6 years back now who saved her first kiss for the day she married, and so did her now husband. And it was so romantic, I like the idea of saving myself, for God, my future husband, and myself. When I really started being around guys and learning about purity, I wanted to save myself in every way. So I did decide to save my first kiss. In this subject pure-pressure is huge, not only from who ever your dating, but also from friends, in fact alot of my friends have nic-named it my mid-evil wish. I have date before, with certain standards, and even then I have had guys try to sneek a kiss on the lips. We have several of your books and love them. They have been so helpful. But to be totally honest, I was a little taken back by your approval on the kissing. I get where you were coming from Biblically about the Holy Kiss. It leads to nowhere good, UNLESS you have some major will power. I was refreshed by the balance and honesty of your blog, kissing should be regarded as holy, society has degraded everything God deemed sacred and pure. I had never really considered kisses on top of the head before, but I am positively 100% for saving your first kiss till your wedding day. I mean, is it profitable? I do agree with the legalistic mindset that many girls get though— that this is somehow going to make me better than other people or get me into heaven. But this for me is a very fine and hazy line and I just want to stay as far from the potential edge of the line as I can. Will I regret kissing before marriage? Will I regret saving my first kiss for my wedding day? I had never thought of this in this perspective. Personally, I have my own convictions. I am choosing to save myself and my lips for marriage because I believe that God would want it for me. I remember reading a series by Robin Jones Gunn, that I cannot recall the name of right now, but it mentioned this. Then, I decided to save my first kiss for my husband. At first, I was very legalistic about it. However, my views and my values have changed over time. I sometimes see it as a rule for myself, but overall, I think that this is what God wants for me. Now, I see myself as saving a gift for my husband, and it makes me smile to think about all that I will have to give to him on the day that I marry him. I was in a Bible study that was led by a wonderful Christian lady who is very dear to me, and I was so encouraged. It redefined purity as something more than just physical! Even though it did this, it encouraged me to place standards for myself. I think that as I became more physical with a guy, purity would become harder and harder for me. So for me, choosing not to kiss is not limiting, but freeing. Thank you for your helpful insight on this! I think I am going to share it with some friends of mine who could use this! I appreciate this post — I think it is an honest, heartfelt opinion on the subject, which is very much needed. My husband and I desired to hold purity to be very, very sacred in our relationship. God holds purity to be so very special — and for that reason my husband and I chose not to engage in any form of romantic physical touch until our wedding day. Any form of touch that we felt was appropriate for brother-sister we felt was fine, but anything beyond that we wanted to be kept sacred. And we were given advice one time that any form of physical touch that we engaged in prior to marriage would eventually lose its luster, but anything saved for marriage would never be any less thrilling. So we felt like we wanted to take our purity to the extreme and save it all. And yes, we were looked at like idiots. Yes, it was very difficult at times. But do I regret it? NOT IN THE LEAST! The advice we were given has proven true every time! Each kiss we share is more beautiful and more thrilling than the last. God rejoices in us laying down self for holiness. And when we prayed, it was the first time we held hands. I cried my eyes out because it was such a beautiful moment for us. People all the time say that it was the most Christ-honoring wedding they had ever been to — I could tangibly feel the Spirit descend as I walked into the church. The whole crowd could feel our anticipation. It was the most natural, beautiful, romantic moment of my life! It was like it was only Adam and I in the room — the whole audience was hushed with reverence then burst into thunderous applause when we finally lol! I could not have written such an amazing, beautiful love story on my own. It took some major self-denial and flesh-crucifying. But it was oh so worth it! So yes, I agree, think about your motives for purity and then embark on the path that will bring the most glory to the God of holiness who desires perfect holiness in His children. I personally think this is ridiculous and not what god intended at all. Nature is beautiful and complex, and more and more mysteries are being uncovered, for example, how kissing tests genetic compatibility. If your genetics are different enough to make good kids, your kiss will be great! If not, your body will send off bad signals to stop you having kids! Kissing is an important part of building a relationship! Harriet — good on you for having such a balanced perspective. Much better to kiss a few people on the path and not feel oblidged to marry someone just because of this. We have to base our opinions and standards on the Word of God. Which says that marriage and sex is super special and should be kept sacred. I know if I were to ask you, you would say that you want your marriage to last forever. Everybody does — but rarely do we do what it takes to make marriage last, which is keep it sacred and treat it as something that is extremely valuable and precious. Im 16 almost and ive grown up in church my whole life never having kissed a girl. I feel as though im missing out and I really do like a certain girl. I might even go as far as to say I love her ,as much as a 16 year old can. I would most definitely marry her yet im too young and I dont have a job that would support a family and marriage. I know almost everything about her and want to show my affection. I dont want to kiss her all the time I just want to actually have my first kiss. Any help would be appreciated. Your desires is normal and healthy. It is also healthy to have self-control and show respect in the area of physical attraction. At the age of 16, you need some courage to know when to kiss and went to wait. You know what you need is some face-to-face advice! We all do from time-to-time. If not, can you talk to someone at your local church? Hi — This was an interesting read with good intentions and thought. I come from a vantage point that gives me different perspective on this topic at hand. And here is what I believe from my own experiences or lack of. All children are different and should be treated as such. Parenting involves preparing children for relationships and romance. Especially if this is a particularly good child that respects and follows your example, that tries to always please with obedience. And to top that off, I found this article because I met a really beautiful Christian woman that told me she likes to wait to kiss. She knew I was nervous and knew I had very little experience kissing by the 3rd date. She was caring, kind, supportive and wonderful. And over months she kept telling me she likes to wait. And then she let me go. A kiss is much more than something sensual. I have a greater sense of respect and awe for the person that took the chance to kiss and did so with purity of heart. I think virtual and passing kisses before marriage, planted kisses during engagement and teasing and oh-la-la kisses during marriage is OK. At the end of the day you have to live close to God and do what you feel He wants you to do. I also think you have to keep culture and context in mind. I hope this is understandaable! Hi Dannah, I am a 64 year old Australian male Christian, living in my homeland of OZ. I have just stumbled on your website and in particular the above article on kissing. I like to commend you on your article because I believe that you are spot-on the truth of the matter. In our society everything is so sexualised It has also influenced the thinking of Christians. My father has passed away now, when he was younger he was not expressive in his affection to me, however as he aged he mellowed and for about the last 10 years before he died I was able to enjoy the experience of hugging him and giving him a kiss on the cheek. My father was not a Christian, and I became a Christian at the age of 18 and with marriage developed my emotional capacity slowly due to my relationship with the Lord and with my wife. In the state of being loved unconditionally. Since 19 years ago — God has seen fit to remove all of my family and all of my friends from my life — and I am now living in a small rural town alone and completely friendless. Like Joseph — I grieved much and at one point nearly lost my life due to the consideration of subside. However, I knew without a doubt that I had done no wrong, and that God is completely faithful and trustworthy — even when we are old and grey hairs faithfulness does not change. I was audacious some might say to believe that all that had happened to me via loss and trial — was for a purpose. One of the things that I had a quiet confidence about was the my leading from God in the following: a woman would eventually come to me and she would be around 20 years younger than me. I was wrong, she is 30 years younger than me, and yesterday New Years eve 2016 I held both of her hands for the first time and we embraced for what seemed like an eternity. I have never kissed her and I would like to leave the first kiss until our wedding day. I have not asked her to marry me as yet, but I firmly believe by faith that I will marry this woman. I have known that this woman has love me for at least 4 to half years as I have loved her. But God arranged it so that it could not begin in earnest until only recently. She came to me quite unexpectedly about one month ago. I am completely in control of my sexual desires and I am 100% celibate. I love this woman from the core of her wonderful character- outwards to her visible beauty, and she loves me in the same way. She has suffered greatly, tremendously almost equally as much as I- although in different areas of her life and different ways. God has put both of us through the suffering and trial wringer. I live completely alone in the world as I said before — without one friend, except for the last month when she came to me that means without a Christian friend even, and coincidentally she lives in exactly the same state of isolation — but for a completely different set of reasons. I am greatly interested in your observations and comments as to all of the above. I have, in particular, the mothers close and confidential support. Hope to hear from you soon. Kind Regards Peter B Hello Peter B. That said, I have a few things to consider. Have you considered what the Bible says about marriage after divorce? It seems almost black and white that you should not remarry after a divorce. Especially if that woman was a believer. That said, I have in one case blessed a marriage of a friend to a divorced man. The leadership felt that in this case, there was a passage of scripture that allowed for marriage. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. She could not accept his faith. He was gentle and kind and yet unwilling to renounce Christ. The church worked with him and counseled him in how to love her and win her back. But it never happened. After fifteen years, they blessed him to stop trying. She was an unbeliever. In this case, the leaders blessed him to be at peace. So, while it is nice that you have the support of family…I would like to encourage you to seek godly, pastoral advice on this situation. It is one to be delicately considered and emotion cannot be a part of the decision. I'm so honored you stopped by my online home. Whether you're here to find out where I'm next, to one of my books, or to read a recent... If you want to stay in touch with me on a more regular basis, follow me on , , or. That's where I get to interact with you more personally, which is something I love. In fact, I sure hope I get to hug your neck at one of my upcoming events. It's wonderful to have you here, friend!
