She still knew how to fix it. She was a smart woman, very hard working, but she came to because her life was not turning out the way she had expected. Despite knowing how to take care of everything and everyone else, she was suffering from a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. But she could not take in anything I said. If I empathized with how she was feeling, she told me that I had missed the point. And if I offered a suggestion about something, she told me that she had already tried it. After we exchanged pleasantries and he discovered that I was a psychotherapist, he started to lecture me about. I am actually always interested to hear what other people think about the field and its theories, but after twenty minutes of his non-stop diatribe, I realized that he knew a lot less than he thought he did. As I politely disengaged from this one-sided conversation, I found myself wondering what he had wanted from me. Was showing off a way of engaging with another person? Did he need to keep me — and I assumed others — at a distance? First of all, what therapists understand about our clients comes only from a very focused and thoughtful exploration of their ideas and ways of thinking about things over time. Since I also saw some parallels between the way Harry had interacted with me and the difficulties I was having with Geri, I was actually trying to see if thinking about him might help me understand something about her. And in some ways it did. And it occurred to me that the questions I had about Harry and Geri captured several important themes aspects of this particular characteristic. So she felt like she had to know everything and had to fend off any and all suggestions that might make it look like she was out of the loop or uneducated — even if she would have no reason for knowing it. They simply are not interested in what others might have to tell them, because they believe that they already have the information. Some supremely insecure people actually secretly believe that they are better than anyone else. So others are always kept at a distance. As adults they can only feel close to people who admire and praise them. There are some people who, for a variety of reasons, become enlivened by an argument. It is often the best way for them to feel connected to others, perhaps because it provides a sense of energy and connection without being too close. There are a number of ways to manage these individuals. What is most important in these interactions is to remember that we do not have to see the other person as they want to be seen; and we do not have to cater to that need unless we want to. This theme has been a significant one in the wonderful comments on my post on dealing with people who talk too much. He tried to keep me engaged by telling me that he had something important to ask me, which I thought might mean he wanted a referral for therapy. I nodded and said that I would be happy to answer his question if I could, but that I could only stay with him for another couple of minutes, since I was being rude to other friends and acquaintances. After he began lecturing again, without asking me anything, I said that I needed to leave but would be happy to answer his question. And I left him and joined a group of friends. Even though she often answered with condescension, my shift in approach gradually made a difference in our relationship and therefore in the work we were doing together. I realized that she had taken my comments as criticisms. I was simply reinforcing her feeling that she was not smart enough and was not doing enough. Eventually, we were able to talk about it, and to talk about how this might be going on in other relationships in her life. As Geri became more comfortable with the idea that she did not have to know everything, she became less argumentative with friends, colleagues and relatives — and she became much more satisfied with her life. I seriously want to know. This boss wouldn't show me or tell me... I had to look it up myself tutorial and practice and fail and fail at it and try again and again, on my own time of course. People are unreliable, especially when they view you as their competition or they are the only one with specialized knowledge or know how to use ie. MS ACCESS database, they fear that others may take over their job or something. They want to be the only person in the company with this superior knowledge. Oppressed people don't enjoy criticisms directed at them... I'm just really private and introverted. That's just who I am. Yeah, if the person really is competitive and won't help you learn when you ask for their help, screw them. But many people in the case of introversion, we don't throw our trust around easily -- or it could just be the case where we don't know HOW to explain the steps we took to do something. So it's honestly just a matter of being patient, showing us that you genuinely want us in your space without a one-sided payoff, and gently pushing us to come out of our shells. I think they would be a little more than offended. The same should stand, if I'm working in design and highly competent, using industry software and formally trained... Do you want me to do the best job or do you want me to do it your way? When you hire competent people, know when to leave them alone -- if they need coaching -- they'll come and ask! Someone who knows what they are doing --- wants to be left a lone, but praise me every now, so that I know my work and myself are appreciated. From my experience, Sales Director type bosses make the poorest bosses of all for people who work with technical software. I think an engineer would want a boss who has the same background -- if the sales boss happens to have the same background... If they don't have the EXACT background -- sales bosses look down on you and behave like your work doesn't contribute to the bottomline but behind your back tells HR you are doing a fantastic job. These monsters want you to feel not good enough, shitty... There is a lot of shit that goes on which nobody knows nor talks about. I'm not saying it is true. I am just pointing this out. I should know, for i already knew everything. Then something happened and life changed, I read Kant, Jung and my ideas fell apart. Everyday you should challange all you know, for it may be wrong. In science, namely quantum physics we question everything we know and everything we dont know equally. This outlook on lifes challanges, has changed my perspective on everything,caused me to re evaluate all i do not know. Plato said we live in a state of illusion, somewhere between b and c on his scale of enlightment. I think he is right, all those years ago, hmm. With deepest repect open your minds to all things new you might learn something new. When a therapist tells me to do this and that before they know me, I know I'm in bad company. I didn't before, but I know it now. If you reached to someone after trying all that you could and the first thing the person does is tell you that you haven't tried enough, it just make you feel worse. For some of us, going to a therapist is already a sign of failure. I couldn't do it on my own, I am weak. To be told you are weak, you haven't tried enough is just not helping. It's not a new piece of information and it feels like they assume that you are stupid and haven't tried the most obvious things, like you haven't read everything you could on the Internet or at the library back in the days to make it on your own. At least before throwing stuff at us, ask us what we have already tried. In fact, the only person who was of any help and that was tremendous help , told me that if I felt that I couldn't do it anymore, maybe it was because I had tried too hard. Maybe I could just send my self the energy I would give a wounded puppy. Should the puppy feel guilty for needing to heal? And she didn't say take a few days off. For someone who is depressed a few days off after years of hardship sounds like the most ridiculous thing. When I was down, I felt like I needed 10 years off. And she didn't say that one the 1st day either. Now, when I'm tired, I just channel myself cute puppy energy. When I feel rejected, I remember that some people can be mean even to cute puppies, so I don't assume responsibility right away. If a cute puppy can be rejected, imagine a grown person without the cuteness factor. Rejection can then be something that belongs to the one that does the rejecting. Being told what to do doesn't help you get independent emotionally. Another thing that the person that helped did for me... I said I needed to understand how that was supposed to work. She found me lots of reading that I didn't have access to on my own. I only saw her a few times, maybe 8 times before my time was up free services don't last long. And now I am incorporated some of her previous suggestions that I couldn't before. Not that it was a bad suggestion, but it wasn't one that I could afford. It conflicted with my first life objective: pay back my school loans so I can be free. However, now my savings are the equivalent of my old debt, so paying for yoga isn't out of the question. People make decisions based on their own context, offering suggestions that don't fit the
