When I met my boyfriend Jesse, I was 28 and he was 24 — not too much of a in the grand scheme of things, but to hear some of my friends at the time tell it, you'd think we were — or at the very least,. I also had a lot of friends who couldn't believe how dumb I was — didn't I remember how difficult it was to get a guy to commit at age 24? Why would I want to go through that again? But the experience has made me think about how — especially women in their twenties. People have a much easier time, it seems, getting on board with the idea of a woman taking a younger partner for purely sexual reasons than they do with the idea of a woman in a serious relationship with a younger partner. In your twenties, especially in the years immediately after college, an age difference of just a year or two can make you feel like you're a world apart from someone. Which makes sense — in the course of 24 months, I transformed from a college senior who'd never lived on my own and subsisted primarily on bagels stolen from the school cafeteria to a financially independent adult who worked a serious job and subsisted primarily on bagels stolen from work. I felt like I was racking up new life milestones every day, and couldn't imagine relating to anyone younger than me — and so I became fixated on dating older guys, because I thought it was the only way I could find someone who would be mature enough to make me happy. But this kind of thinking conflates — which isn't really accurate. We might think that certain concrete markers of adulthood — a prestigious job; a working knowledge of personal finance; properly assembled Ikea furniture —signify a related degree of emotional maturity. And sometimes, they do; sometimes someone who is older really is more emotionally intelligent. But often, there is no correlation. Lots of women who've dated around have similar stories that prove that there's no concrete relationship between being older and actually acting like an adult. The Idea That Women Shouldn't Date Younger Men Is Sexist In our culture, dating an older partner is often seen as a status symbol for younger women — we're often told that older partners will be more financially and emotionally stable, which is why being courted by an older partner is often seen as a compliment, a confirmation that you, indeed, have your act together and are desirable. This is probably why tend to skew their own ages of higher while. God knows that's what I felt, while dating the above-noted older dude — I felt like his desire for me marked me as more mature and interesting than my peers. To date someone younger is to consciously reject a lot of this. For this reason, being a woman with a younger partner is often viewed in a negative light. You're supposedly an immature doofus who can't attract partners your own age, or maybe a delusional narcissist who can't cope with aging I've heard both! Again, all these ideas are based on stereotypes — primarily, that youth is one of the only valuable traits a woman possesses when dating, and that to take a pass on using it as a bargaining chip to find a more desirable mate is insane. Does that sound terrible? Ludwig isn't necessarily describing a younger guy; instead, she's describing a guy who isn't interested in a serious relationship, a kind of dude who comes in all ages. In my own anecdotal experience, I've found no correlation between age and interest in a serious relationship. You Don't Always Have More In Common With People Your Own Age Jesse wasn't my first dip into the younger dude pool — we connected after I'd had a handful of casual things with guys four or five years younger than me. At 28, I was only just beginning to explore my true desires for my career and life — which made me have a lot more in common with a recent college grad than someone who'd had almost a decade since graduation to figure out what they wanted. Sometimes, certain experiences or personality quirks make us have more in common with people younger or older than us — and not giving those people a shot romantically because they're not the same exact age as you is nuts. A Young Person Isn't Young Forever The line of thinking that all younger guys are total scrubs dances around the fact that all older guys were once younger guys — and that younger guys will soon be older guys. The window of time when I was helping Jesse learn about credit reports and negotiating a salary was brief, while he continues to teach me new things about love and commitment every day I know, barf. To act like youth is an eternal state — that a person who is currently 23 and not totally sure about how to pick a good bottle of wine or operate their dishwasher, will exist in that state forever — is actively denying the facts of our own lives. We're all aging, and life is too damned short to not date someone who's younger than you just because society has psyched you out about it. Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way , which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on.
