When I was a single woman in my mid-thirties, I invited the elders of my church and their wives to a formal holiday dinner as a way of expressing my thanks to them for their care and ministry. I never would have done this when I was single. It would have been pizza for everyone! But I did ponder it afterward, realizing that for many people the link between youthful inexperience and singleness is inextricably linked. In my early 20s, I too would have served pizza on paper plates, if indeed I had thought at all about offering hospitality. We are often The Singles: one monolithic block of unmarried people. But there are as many stages and seasons to single adult life as there are for married adults. A single woman in her 50s with a demanding career caring for elderly parents is not equivalent to a recent college grad who is still living at home. Both are unmarried, yes, but chances are, the older single woman and the parents of the college grad may have more in common. Whatever leaders say from the pulpit about singleness is guaranteed to encourage some and offend more. The hope here is that these ideas will foster a stronger connection between unmarried people and their local congregations: You are not shepherding a dating service — wait, yes you are. Churches should have a high view of marriage and uphold it without apology. But church leaders also need to recognize that when marriage is devalued in our culture, that brokenness comes into the church, too. There was a time when older members of any community worked hard to ensure the next generation married well. In the face of that neglect, the church should be proactive about facilitating what God prizes in Scripture. So, to help unmarried adults meet and marry well, the church needs to be proactive about creating contexts for singles to meet each other and live out dating relationships in the context of community. What that looks like will depend on many factors specific to local communities, which is why church elders need to lead and shape this process. Marriage is not the ultimate prize. Both are gifts for this life alone. The one relationship that survives eternally is the one we have as the bride of Christ to our beloved Savior. The relationships that we all have as brothers and sisters in Christ are the ones that will not end — and these need to be cultivated as much as family life is cultivated. Additionally, single adults need to be reminded that God has not withheld his very best from them if they remain unmarried. The Singles are actually unmarried men and women. Unmarried men and women are no less masculine or feminine because of being single. Single men need leadership responsibilities. Put 1 Corinthians 7 to work in your churches by showing that the church actually needs unmarried adults who are devoted to the Lord, especially single men. What this looks like will be different in various churches. But when church leaders ask unmarried men to take on significant responsibilities, they demonstrate a belief that godly singleness is a tremendous asset to the body of Christ. Single adults are not workhorses. As a new believer, I was in big demand as a new babysitting resource in the church. While I was thrilled to get to know so many families, one wise woman saw the burnout coming. She advised me to pray and ask God which of these families he was asking me to invest in. By knowing those relationships where I was to say yes, I knew also where I could say no without guilt. Years later, when the speaking invitations started to roll in after the publication of my first book, my pastor saw where I could be driven by an open calendar. He suggested I create an advisory board to help me evaluate my invitations and schedule. The goal of the advisory board was to make sure I was not traveling too much. Even though I am unmarried, I still need to make my home and my home church priorities. I need time to receive care from close friends and also to return that nurturing. Understand the challenges of endless opportunity. Because he was a pastor, father, and husband, the boundaries of his day were fairly well-defined from the moment he woke up. But we actually do have many of the same boundaries and priorities in working faithfully as unto the Lord, in building up our local churches, in reaching out to non-Christians, in praying for others, in caring for the family members and friends we have especially as single parents , in offering hospitality, and so forth. Though some of the most intimate relationships may be different, we all share a basic set of priorities and we often need to be reminded of that. Single men trust God by risking rejection and single women trust God by waiting on him. Encourage single men and women to read Ruth. We survey our circumstances and think we know exactly what God is doing. But we simply have no idea that he is doing — which is more than we can ask or imagine Ephesians 3:20. His quiet providence is on display everywhere, and an eagerness to look for that and praise him for it cultivates gratitude. Extended singleness is a form of suffering. There is an appropriate time for mourning with those who mourn. This is especially true for women who see the window of fertility closing on them without the hope of bearing children. That said, we single adults need loving challenges when we have allowed a root of bitterness to spring up and block our prayers to God, our fellowship with others, and our service to the church. Deferred hopes cannot be allowed to corrode our thankfulness for the gift of salvation. Too often our advice to unmarried adults stems from worldly thinking that infects us all. We give advice to improve and equip the unmarried adult to attract better relationships, rather than reminding them they are stewards of whatever relationships they have been given. However, if we think of each individual who crosses our paths as a beloved sister or brother in the Lord about whose care and treatment we will give an account to Jesus one day — this radically alters everything. It means dating is no longer a zero-sum game that results in a littered landscape of broken relationships and cut-off communication. I did my best to encourage and pray for this individual while I knew him. I loved without fear of loss because I wanted to be like you. So, by your grace, I did my very best to build up this man and return him to you with thanks for the gift of this relationship. She is also author, with Nora Shank, of the book.
