Shahid Afridi is coming out to open the batting, and it's a beautiful day. Quite why he's got his pads on already, I don't know. So far this season, he has been overlooked when he should have been asked to bat, he was dropped (or at best rotated out) for another fixture, and all season long, he has only made 50 runs off 52 balls. That's less than a run a ball. Afridi doesn't do less than a run a ball in a nightmare.
And here he is out in the middle, like a tickle-me-Elmo come to life, ready to face Wayne Madsen. Madsen has been a first-over banker for Derbyshire, his cunning little offspinners, frugal and occasionally wicket-taking. His last five first overs have gone at 5.2 runs per over and have yielded two wickets.
This is a data-centric, modern T20 pinch-hitting hunch at Hampshire. If they start with Madsen, we'll send out our golden Furby, Afridi. Gary Wilson doesn't blink as Derbyshire's captain; he backs his man Madsen. Afridi is straight at him, smacking the first ball to midwicket with saliva dripping from his mouth. Next ball he gets inside the line and swings into a sweep, before a mow through long-off and another slog over mid-off. Sixteen runs from the over. For Madsen, this is hardcore.
But the quick is at the other end, Hardus Viljoen. Once upon a time, Afridi wouldn't have worried, but Viljoen is bowling at over 92 miles an hour. This looks dangerous. Afridi doesn't even get on strike. Instead he faces Ben Cotton, Madsen's replacement. Madsen is darker than a mood ring gone black, and like mood rings, we won't see him again.
Afridi spends another Viljoen over trying to make sure he doesn't face much of it, then faces Cotton again. He slaps one over long-on for six, and then follows that up by landing one on the media centre roof. No diggity.
Viljoen stays on for one last over; you know why. Afridi, much like the aliens in Independence Day, had to be stopped, even if you had to fly your fast bowler into the belly of the beast. Afridi doesn't care now; this is the last Powerplay over, he just swings. He mishits and should be caught, he isn't. He mishits and should be caught, he isn't. And then he mis-hits and should be caught, but he isn't. He takes ten runs in lucky mis-hits. I don't know how he's getting away with it; it's like some sort of CIA conspiracy that can only be unravelled by a smoking guy. But it's too much fun to care.
