Dear Kelly, I was surprised by the recent news of your engagement. While I wish I could celebrate with you without reservation, I admit I have some. My greatest concern is that your fiancé does not know or love Christ. I hope you will heed those reservations and reconsider. As I have watched people walk down this road, I have noticed several common ways people justify marrying a nonbeliever. I want to address them in hope that you might experience grace to trust God and his word regarding marriage. My wife began dating me as an unbeliever. But as much as I love her and our marriage, it was wrong for her to do so. While God was gracious to us, and brought me to a saving knowledge of Christ prior to our wedding date, let me be clear: to marry an unbeliever is to sin against God 1 Corinthians 7:39. Furthermore, the difficult path to my own conversion and then to our wedding ceremony is not one I would wish upon others. God has made no such promise. I know far more stories that did not play out like ours. The Bible gives us more stories like that Exodus 34:16; Ezra 9:1—15. You mentioned how important it was to you that he respected your boundaries, particularly after your last boyfriend pushed the boundaries, even while claiming to be Christian. We must be careful about making choices today based solely on setting them next to bad choices in the past. Look for a man striving to imitate Jesus 1 Corinthians 11:1. Why did you put your faith in Jesus, and choose to follow him? If he does not share your captivation with Christ, you and he will always stand on unlevel and unsteady ground as you carry out your vows in marriage. Beware of your heart, which is prone to lie to you Jeremiah 17:9 , and of the butterflies in your stomach that often flutter louder than the Spirit within us. Until you are absolutely sure that he has also been born again by the same Spirit alive in you John 3:5 , heed the warning and conviction the Spirit brings John 16:8. We are always either with Jesus or against him Matthew 12:30. Despite his warmth toward you, any attempt to have God on his own terms is an attempt to reject the true God over your life and heart. If he has no interest in the things of Christ now, what makes you think things will change after the wedding? I wish you could see a glimpse of a future in which you remained faithful to your vows to a man who remained faithless toward your Savior. Worse than attending church alone your entire life, while your husband remained at home, is the haunting thought that the man you gave yourself to might spend eternity separated from you and God. Worse yet is the thought that he might lead you or your children down the same path Matthew 7:13. It really is possible to be more isolated and alone within a marriage than without. Marriage is no savior. It will not ultimately save anyone from sin or loneliness or unhappiness. It cannot bear the weight of those needs and longings. While the single life is not without trials, remember you are not alone. So long as you cling to Jesus, he will be with you Matthew 28:20. He will never leave you nor forsake you Hebrews 13:5. Even if your hope for a husband is never fulfilled in this life, you are promised a seat at the great wedding supper of the Lamb Revelation 19:7 , and he will far surpass everything you might have experienced with an earthly husband. I know it might feel embarrassing. But it would be far better in the long run to lose some money and gain a few months of heartache than to commit the rest of your life to a marriage God does not want for you. God may even redeem the situation in a surprising way for his glory if it is handled well. Would it not speak volumes about your faith if you told him you were deciding to entrust your future to God? Should he come to saving faith, it must be to have God, not to have a wife. Otherwise, he risks making an idol out of you and using Jesus as a means to something else. If you truly love him, your concern for his soul should outweigh your hopes for marriage. I trust that, if you are willing to listen, the Holy Spirit will lead you into the truth that gaining a husband while forsaking your soul is a trade you do not want to make Mark 8:36. I also pray that you would eventually see any wounds I have caused you as the faithful wounds of a friend Proverbs 27:6 , and not as those of an enemy. With love and grace, Your Pastor is a husband, father, and pastor in the Baltimore area. He is a staff writer for and infrequently blogs at.
