Does the thought of sexual contact make you shudder? Do you tend to avoid or limit? Do you find sexual touch or even romantic touch, such as hugging or kissing your partner, unappealing or even repulsive? If this sounds like you or your partner, it may be a case of sexual aversion. Then, you can explore how to begin resolving it. Where Does My Sexual Aversion Come From? Some individuals who experience sexual aversion may have experienced or another type of. They may have had one or more experiences where sexual contact was forced. Especially in formative years, such as childhood and adolescence, the brain is creating pathways to understand sexuality. If a sexual trauma occurs during these years, the brain may link sexual arousal or sexual touch with threat, danger, , or pain. However, some individuals I work with who experience sexual aversion cannot pinpoint any trauma. For these people, the issue is even more confusing because they do not understand why they feel so anxious. Usually, when such individuals look into their past especially childhood and adolescence, when sexual connections are beginning to formulate , they find small messages of , , or blame associated with sexual arousal or touch. Perhaps small comments from parents or school institutions created an atmosphere of or shame about sexual arousal. How Sexual Aversion Can Influence Your Thoughts and Emotions Sexual aversion may be experienced even if you have a great relationship and find your partner attractive. Control is an essential component of aversion. Remember, aversion is an extreme form of anxiety. I do not like that. Pay attention to your body. Do you feel nauseous or have stomach issues when you think about sex? Do you feel fluttery or nervous? Do you feel nothing at all and just sort of frozen? Engaging in sexual activity when you are not aroused is harmful for your emotional well-being. If you are not aroused, your body is not connected with your mind during the act. You might do this because you feel guilty that you are never in the to be with your partner. However, it could be causing long-term damage. You are not alone. If you experience sexual aversion, engage only in a type of sexual contact hugging, holding hands, etc. As you get more comfortable, increase the activities slowly over time. Understanding why you feel averse to sexual touch even if you love your partner is the first step in lowering your sexual anxiety. Work through the tips above to be more connected with your body and feel more comfortable when sexual contact occurs. © Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy. Permission to publish granted by Mieke Rivka Sidorsky, LCSW-C, CST, The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below. I can tell you from experience, guys can end up here too. Fake it till you make it is bad advice I was given my now wife was pregnant and we had to get married by our families. Now I shutter at the thought of faking it and go out of my way to avoid contact at all. I used to LOVE having sex and being sexual and touchy with my husband. Then there was a trauma with my kids one sexually assaulted the other in another and I went into PTS. I DO love him, and I miss my sex drive! I moved out of our house 8 months ago. We see each other a few days during the week for a couple of hours each visit. We spend one night together at my home in the same bed. She says that she has never liked being touched or ever enjoyed sex with anyone most of her life. She says that she loves me and that she likes spending time with me. But sex, kissing and touching is not pleasant for her. And she stated that this will never change. I love my wife dearly, but I need affection which she cannot give me. I pray that my love for her will never fade….. People with sexual aversion want to have normal healthy sexual relationships and may have in the past but are unable to now. There is nothing about it that I find enjoyable and I have been with men and women both who have tried to make me interested, it just never feels like it is for me. I can get close to someone but intimacy on that level is not my thing. I think that there is something within all humans that makes you have this need to be loved and touched and if you are not feeling that then I think that there is something that needs to be addressed. Think in terms of math: sexuality +? It could be something serious, like childhood abuse, or recent trauma. The point is, to fix the issue, the cause must be determined. If the cause is serious, seek professional help. This will involve MORE patience from the unhappy partner, but, keep in mind that the partner may also be the cause of the problem. My wife and I, have been together for 6 years, married for two- over the past few years, the sex has disappeared! I made my concerns vocal, and we both did some research. She found an article on sexual aversion, and she was excited to see information she could relate to. She has a tough time putting her feelings into words, so this helped. Pair this with the fact that I have a bad temper, and I was drunk most of these instances, and the fact that she had sex with me because she felt obligated to make me feel better, and you have the predicament that we are involved with now. She will begin by spending some alone time, thinking of me, and writing down the feelings that present themselves as anxiousness, or negativity. Next, she will continue the same practice, with me in the room, totally silent. From there, we address the issues head on. This is all done, with the hope that the brain will rewire the previous links. Step 1, helps determine the problems, step 2 shows trust, by digging up these negative feelings with your partner IN the same room, Step 3 hopefully puts the mind at ease, by closing the arguments, or finishing them. Step 4, move slow. Keeping in mind that pushiness, will only lead to more damaging results. I will revisit and post our results. But, this seems to be such a common problem in relationships. It was a problem with me, that was the cause- the effect was derived from multiple instances of bad decision making on her part, and my own. Realizing that I was apart of that problem, made me feel horrible, but, it helped knowing what had caused this sexual drop off. Even more gratifying, having a goal, or a direction to work toward, to hopefully get things back to normal. My advice, if you are experiencing the same issues: find 15 minutes, in a quiet, private room. Begin thinking of your partner, touching you, or being intimate with you. Let your mind wander, and write down what makes you feel anxious at the end of 15 mins. Do this repeatedly, for a week. See what your mind says, and begin a dialogue with your partner. Explain where your feelings come from. Determine the severity of the cause, and seek professional help if there are serious issues involved. I really appreciate this it is helpful. He is not aggressive with me at all, I just cannot stand the smell of alcohol on skin and cannot at all trust anyone who drinks. Ironically our personalities make it fairly easy.. He cares more for me than anyone I have known but for me alcohol, regular drinking is like a wall. I am resigned to not staying together. I cannot stop him have his life but I cannot feel OK with someone who will hit the vodka and coke at 11am in the morning.. I suppose 3, 70cl vodka bottle a week could be more sometimes and Guinness special brew is not an option I cannot tolerate, the smell of the cans when open will make me gag. I resent feeling I have to drive or I do not feel safe. I have expressed this clearly but somehow this is the deal breaker for me and he cannot imagine or really wish to change this.. So I know sadly this relationship cannot survive. I am sexually attracted to him but …I cannot have sex when alcohol is involved. I fear that there will be the day when I will not want sex and it will be almost forced in the heat of the moment because of the impact of alcohol…my bottom line is I cannot have a sexual relationship in these conditions. This is a gut felt boundary. We both have the means to have our own home. I had mine before we met and he is selling and buying another home. So we are free agents with clear economic boundaries too and no children both our children are grown up and with other partners. It makes me feel sad at times.. It definitely caused problems in my marriage and we are now divorced. I wish you all the best, and I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you. I know where it came from—my previous marriage. I learned to avoid physical contact with him, because he was going to demand sex if I dared even hold his hand. I would pretend to be sleeping when he came home from working late he was sometimes on call so he would leave me alone. When we got divorced, I felt relieved and happy at the thought that no man would ever touch me again. I had been blaming all the sexual problems on myself. On my body changing after having a baby. Feeling guilty about not being able to please him. Well, now at least I know where I stand. I absolutely loathe sex now because he has ruined it for me by demanding things he has seen on a screen that are not fun, comfortable, or sexy for me. We are trying to fix all our issues and he is a good man I choose to believe that because he came to me with this problem instead of me stumbling across it like a dirty secret it means that he really cares about this marriage but I am scared that I will never enjoy sex again. That is a marriage in crisis. The idea of it is not just un-appealing, but it is literally OFF-PUTTING. And for t
