SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
wrong part of face.
ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while
complain to the owner about its lack of house
training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to
air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and
flourscent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on
your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone
to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.
