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Shortly after my ex-fiance had our first child (she had to have emergency c-section and they botched it, sewed the muscles together wrong, don't have your baby at Granite City Hospital in Illinois, she still has a horrid scar that I feel so badly for, she was bedridden for nearly three months instead of the standard three to six weeks, I had to play Mister Mom, baby her and work full time - gained a ton of respect for single mothers and mothers with deadbeat baby daddies!!! Well, not so much on the last one - leave his ass, without medical reason, that shit just ain't worth it.), she was rather looking forward to me going down on her a bit, as I rather enjoy it and am quite good at it.
Well, after three months, some hair accumulates and with a painful scar above, shaving wasn't much of an option. But she really wanted it, so I foraged the forest.
I should have insisted on shaving. As she came close to climax, she lifted her hips and lo and behold, a single, curly hair slipped into my right nostril... And... I sneezed. Instantaneous, no warning, hard core sneeze.
Now let me tell you something about my sneezing - It sounds something a little like the peak pitch of a bull roar spinning. I'm a very big man and have a lung capacity around nine litres (nine thousand cc's) as opposed to the normal six litres.
Interesting fact about sneezes in general? They eject from your body at roughly ninety seven miles per hour.
Well, I sneezed and when you're lying facedown on a bed with your face in a vagina and your head snaps back at ninety seven miles an hour, it has very little else to do but snap back at half to three quarters the same speed.
My forehead slammed into my ex-fiance's clit at a speed between 48 and 72 miles per hour.
Her reaction was about as instantaneous as the sneeze. Her legs snapped shut, and my ex-fiance was not a tiny girl. She was good and thick, the way a real woman ought to be. Five two, just had a baby, been on bed rest for three months, she was about one sixty to one eighty - and the girl was strooooong.
My face... Was trapped... In. Her. Vagina.
Nose to clit, mouth suctioned in lips, I couldn't get any air. And I had just sneezed everything in my lungs violently all over her butthole.
Headlines flash through my head: MAN DIES HAPPY.
But no, I was incredibly unhappy, my life had began in a vagina and it was about to end in one and she was in such intense pain that I don't think she was even aware of my plight.
I literally had to bite her labia minora (I was that far stuffed in) to get her to let go, which quickly resulted in my release and a black eye.
Needless to say, she endured the pain and began to shave... About six to eight weeks later, when the swelling and bruising went away and her clit didn't look like a underripe grape.
She got me back though...
About a year and a half later, we had broken up and were still kind of fooling around. She had come to my apartment, the baby fell asleep and something cute came on tv, we cuddled, aaaand...
We were in my bedroom.
Well, it's been a few months since we've had each other, so we are both looking forward to a bit of oral, so why take turns? They invented a position for that, right? 69, for the win! Woohoo!
She had just showered, too, so I wasn't afraid to get myself propped on a pillow and really work into her.
Well, in that position, nostrils tend to get a little closer to the sewage line and a little further from the playground. See where this is going?
It wasn't as painful as a headbutt to the genitals, but it was emotionally traumatizing... I couldn't get a blowjob for a year after this...
You got it. She ripped ass. Right. In. My. Fucking. Nostrils.
For you men out there, have you ever lost your boner IN her mouth? Ladies? Ever had a hard noodle cook soft in the pot? Salted rope go to pushin' new? No?
I have. It was horrible. It was like an icepick to the brain. That's the only way I can describe it. Instantaneous horror.
We all know what raunchy farts smell like. This didn't even compare. It didn't even register as a fart.
This was death.
Her reaction?
She freezes. Milliseconds tick by like small eternities as my brain slowly struggles to process this new horror. Empires rose and fell, planets sprung intelligent life and passed into the ether, universes were born and collapsed in this time.
From around my limp, rapidly shriveling cock, I hear a small, tiny, muffled... "Oops."
Brain kicks in. "OOPS? WHAT THE FUCK?! GET OFFME! *gag* I CAN'T BELIEVE *gag* OH MY FUCKING GOD, I'M GONNA PUKE, *gag gag gag dry heave* OH MY FUCKING GOD IT'S FUCKING HORRIBLE IT'S LIKE SOMETHING DIED!"
I try to push her off me. I can't. Not because she's big or because I'm weak, but have you heard of dead weight? It's where bodies that are completely inert are harder to move because of limp resistance. Look it up, this ain't a science lesson.
She had completely frozen. She was so absolutely horrified by what she had done that she couldn't move.
Meanwhile, this evil perversion is leaking into my brain and I'm about to puke straight into a vagina - something I'm not sure has ever been done outside a Japanese Kink Video.
Finally, she rolls off... And begins to laugh hysterically while trying not to cry in horror and embarassment...
I ran to the bathroom and puked all over my bathtub.
Sex was not had that day. Blowjobs were not asked for for months, from any woman. Sixty nine has been twice since, and that was two years ago. I have a phobia of sixty nining, now, I swear.
So. I suppose she got me back.
But it's up to you guys. Which is worse?
