Red Flags, we like to call them. And perhaps our unfinished wounding might keep us from starting the dating process again. I will admit that getting back out there, for me, as a man, initially was about sex. Today, I think sex can get in the way of learning if you like the person. Get to know if you like talking to, as well as looking at your potential partner. But if you slow the drive to the bedroom you might avoid getting mixed up in something purely physical. It can blur your vision when trying to figure out if you want to hang with this person for the long run. I have two beautiful kids. In several previous online dates I found myself sitting across the table from very attractive, usually younger, women who had nearly nothing in common with me. I could see myself eyeing their bodies and trying to imagine the sex, but I stopped myself, pretty quickly, even with the fantasizing. It takes a lot to get to a second date with me. I want my next relationship to start out with the potential going the long distance. In fact, I prefer the hard questions. I will always try to answer honestly. And I usually share this concept on the first date. Maybe this explains a lack of second dates. Two dogs meet up in a park. I think some of this is hardwired. We need to have intellectual compatibility. We need to synchronize our schedules over time. If that IS what you are looking for, go for it. Feeling the Feelings Men are often accused of not feeling their feelings. And, in fact, feelings can be scary for both men and women. The beauty of that is feelings include the ability to fully love. So when the opportunity arises I look forward to being 100% present with my feelings. There might have been a disconnect on those terms in my previous marriage. I know that I feel deeply and I enjoy being expressive of those feelings. If feelings scare you, that might be something for you to look at. Feelings are the key to compatibility, in my opinion. But I believe by having my priorities clear and articulated I can do a better job of finding and sorting through the process of finding that NEXT RELATIONSHIP. Thank you for your comment. Here are several points where I think we need more discussion. Yes, I selected these potential dates and knew their age, and also that they had not ever had children. My post shows some of my learnings as a result of these mistakes. My one girlfriend since divorce was a couple years older. This is one I try to cover in the post in several different ways. If this is the case, we are not a fit. I agree with many of the things you say are wrong between the relationships between men and women. I am not an apologist for the cultural norms that have stacked the deck against those of us who are trying to elevate the discussion about it all. Our culture feeds on extremism. And it has an effect on all of us, adults and teenagers. The discussion I am hoping to facilitate is the antithesis of these issues. I am hoping to get better, clearer, and more honest with each attempt at being in a relationship. I really do appreciate you taking a chance and voicing your opinion. We men and women need to have more frank discussions about desire, sexual preferences, and how we want to relate to each other in and out of the bedroom. It was my realization that we had nothing in common yes we seemed to have a lot of spark on text messages and via email once we were sitting at a table together. It was a moment of finding myself, not discovering that she was younger. I understand the knee-jerk reaction. There are just as many women in online dating who do the exact same thing. Again, that is not what I am looking for. And sex is way off in the future, for ME. What she might be thinking, her motivations for sitting at the table are for us to discover, hopefully, via clear and honest communication. Thank you for this article. We only get to see each other every couple of weeks, so we have no choice but to take things slowly. We did break a couple of your rules sex before an exclusive relationship. He and I felt an incredible chemistry and intellectual compatibility immediately, both online and in person. As soon we met face to face within two weeks of our initial contact we knew we would be physically intimate in the near future. However, I do have to disagree with you on one point…not all single men and women who are not parents made a conscious decision to not have kids. I do not have children myself, but I was a caregiver for my elderly parents for most of my adult life, That was my main reason for not having children, so I understand the pressures of caring and providing for a family. However, some are childless because of health issues…others may have had the decision made for them by their exes. And yes, others may have decided to not have kids for selfish reasons. Find out more about the person before you write them off. While I would love to meet his children, I will not until he and I agree the time is right…which is when and if we have decided to be exclusive, live together or get married. There is no point in becoming attached to the kids if there is no future. The rest of your rules are spot on. Be honest and straightforward. And I have heard this comment more than once, so I know you are spot on with some situations. And I guess, my bias towards moms only comes from my limited experience with non-moms. I would not exclude a woman with potential just because she did not have kids. I think, in my experience, the two women I met via online dating, back in the Spring, were both attractive potential chemistry but perhaps a bit too self-involved for my taste. Sometimes, at a certain age, if an adult does not have kids, they define their focus in life around things like fitness, or entertainment. And while those things are definitely a part of my constellation as well, they take a second row seat to my love and duties as a single dad. I also agree that introducing kids too early would be hard for all involved. But I know it can greatly reduce the chance for unnecessary attachments. I am excited about the idea that my son and daughter would have another loving person in their lives. Again, thank you so much for your comment. The dialogue between men and women is more to the point. I wanted to post the same — not to write off all childless women. I have no children of my own, but I thoroughly enjoyed building a family unit with my ex and his son over the years we were together. And perhaps I like the balance that comes from her having a full-time family as well. Less pressure of me and the relationship if we are negotiating for less time to start. I would never expect him to ditch his children for me. In fact, that would be a HUGE red flag for me about his character. He has hinted about me meeting them; I say when the time is right I would love to meet his wee ones. But, you are right, men and women need to open up and TALK more. Thanks for opening up the dialogue. They are more like ancient treasure maps rather than satellite-corrected road maps. Everything else is theory and projection. Thanks for your comments. The dialogue is what is most important. Not easy for me…I tend to jump in feet first when I feel that glow with someone. So very refreshing to see that there are single dads out there who have this authentic, genuine and mature perspective! After 4 years post divorce with two kids 11 and 14 the dating world for a 49 year old successful women is filled with all the usual suspects of game players looking for hook ups and the like. Your post gives me renewed hope that there are like minded men still out there that value the chemistry but are willing to be patient enough to allow that to build into much more. Thank you for all your honest posts. I thank you so much for this work! I am a single mom of one, dating a single full time dad of two. The past few months has been an overwhelming whirlwind of baseball double headers, gymnastics lessons, curriculum nights, cooking for three children with three different eating habits, wrestling in the living room, birthday parties every other week, etc etc I really have gotten to make love to him twice in the past two months. Ive spent the past few weeks so mad, hopeless, and a little bitter, wondering if this is what i really wanted. After reading this, it puts it all into a new perspective. All this time I wanted to meet a man who would respect my situation, love my little girl, and understand and my priorities and obligations to my daughter coming first in my life, — here I was cursing, and rolling my eyes at his lack of attention he gives me, the lack of time and cash he is able to spend taking me out, when he is doing exactly what I have been struggling through, just DOUBLED.!! This really hit home. How selfish was I being? Dating a single Dad is the biggest blessing for me. Someone who adores his children, and selflessly gets along with his ex wife without drama, puts all of his material wants and wishes aside so they can have what they need for school and sports… somewhere in between I have faith that we will eventually get some time for each other, and maybe have our fourth date and maybe some wild sweaty fun with no clothes? I followed on facebook, cant wait to continue reading more. What are your thoughts about this? I am interested in his life, he is interested in mine. We find connection in many different ways, including his kids. He is very open and kind hearted. Thankfully neither he nor I wrote each other off based on me not having children yet. We would have missed out! I have been a stay at homemaker who helped my husband stay organized with his insurance business. The last few years I have been a caretaker for my elderly parents. I am scared to be on my own. I married young and had no experience prior to my husband. I grew up in an east European immigrant household. My mother had emotional shortcomings such as not fully loving me based on her superstion of the day I was born etc. My father left us children for weeks at a time without food etc. My childhood was dark and sad. As a girl and teenager I dreamed of meeting Prince Charming. I now know that it seems so childish and premature in the idea of that happening; however it was what got me through most days. So I thank my ex husband for wanting me to stay at home with them as well. God did bless me with being attractive. Lol But the only guys that have approached or have shown interest in me are guys that just want to have sex or are interested in just having another attractive woman by their side. Also, I take great pride in only having slept with one man, but what are my chances of finding a man that has the same old-fashioned values as me??? I have a couple of questions.. Doing joint family activities and events is understandable, but do they have to keep chit-chatting and posting family pictures of each other on social networking sites in front of friends, family and myself? Would be interesting to know your thoughts. I have asked to take it slow, but he seemed to want to go exclusive fairly rapidly. I am a single mother of a 20 yr. I have more freedom with my time than he does with his two children, and his devotion to his daughter is sweet. I am in the stage where I have to go with the flow and see if he keeps pursuing me as their are lulls in his texts and calls. The dates have gone well no sex just lots of affection and kissing as we are getting to know each other on my insistence. When I dated childless men, I did everything I could to rally my resources to care for my child while I went out on a date. It meant getting to go out for 4 hours and then going to get my little one. Somehow, my single dad seems to jump at the beckon call and spontaneous planning of his teens. All things are possible if one resourceful. I am a single parent with two kids, my thoughts are inline with you. I accept the fact about introducing the kids, this should be the very well placed in the order of events once a major decision to next step is done and only after that. Many a times, a Single parent dad is not a choice for even a Single parent mom, world worships a single parent mom, but i have never even seen a heart felt remembrance of such people anywhere, People who know us , recognise the value we put in to raise the kids, however there is no where the world recognises it. Without a father, the child would have not come in to this world, i do agree that women go through labor pain etc,. Thanks again for the great post! You put it a lot better than me. But there are plenty of girl out there.. I would be happy enough with or without children, although I come from a huge family so I grew up with big gatherings and parties and would prefer that sort of life. But men my age or even 10 years older either want to sleep around or want a woman who can give them children. I would have no issue dating someone who already had children, although my concern would be that they both the father and the child would never consider me as a parental figure. I suppose it is dramatically different if the biological mother is not around and you can literally jump in and provide that role for them. That would be the perfect situation for me. I would have no problem loving that child as my own, much in the same way that I would if I adopted. However, I know in most cases the mother is very much around and I would never have much if any say over the parenting. That makes it a lot harder.
