America is thirsty, and I'm not talking about sugar-free carbonated soft drinks. Anyway, with the act of dating living solely on a mobile platform, the dating app reigns supreme. But which apps reign most supreme? In hopes of answering your burning questions, here are 13 dating apps ranked lovingly and subjectively on how likely you are to end up takin' old one-eye to the optometrist. It's a good idea in theory...  A dating app that allows people to meet based on their intellectual capacities rather than their looks! But, you know what happens when two smart people meet? They engage in hot, sweaty, intellectual conversations about Proust. Do you know where Marcel friggin' Proust is not situated?  Between the sweaty, writhing bodies of two Proust fans. Unfortunately, we're literally engineered to gravitate towards attractive individuals who. If a phone sex hotline and Tinder drank and had a baby, it would come out asÂ. You can talk to a person, but can't see what they look like. Even if you have a great conversation with a person, you're not going to want to bone them if they look like Rex from Toy Story. You're not going to find your with this app. Don't waste your money like I did. Plenty of Fish The transition from desktop to mobile for websites is a bit like the great change from silent films to talkies during the late 1920s. Yada yada yada, now he's dead. Unfortunately,  seems to be succumbing to the same fate. Mixxxer takes the carefree sentiment of casual swiping and infuses it with the high-octane close-up shots of vulvas that you see on sites like LiveJasmin. Are you into prostitutes? OkCupid is no longer for one-night stands, thus the chance of instant sex is rare. However, you will be getting LAID EVERY SINGLE NIGHT of the first Monday of the month when it's convenient when you're married. Hot or Not Like Beanie Babies were supposed to do in the 21st century, made a legit comeback with its app. What's especially satisfying is the taboo-free interface that, frankly, allows you to get as taboo as you want. What's more sexy than finding sex on a sex-free app? Except maybe the actual act of sex itself. Luxy Let it be known that only ranks high in this list because hundred-dollar bills are a straight-up aphrodisiac in America. How is Bernie Madoff these days? Are you running a Ponzi scheme? It seems like they actually care about the users and, more specifically, the users' genitals. So, when the pressure of finding a date location is off, you can focus on more important things: like P in V. Grouper Grouper is reminiscent of that episode of The Simpsons where Mr. Burns is told that he has literally every disease in the world, but they've all balanced themselves out within his body and are keeping him alive.  has taken every part of a bad date and stuck them together until a good date is formed: rich tech kids, strangers, bad wingmen, and micromanagement. You're set up on a foursome with a friend and two anonymous people and are told to go into a restaurant until sparks fly. The thing about rich tech kids, though? They're horny and love drinking. So when four aroused like-minded individuals are in an enclosed environment under the guise of bragging about their startup until someone's pants come off... Tinder Tinder is about as 21st century as it gets. It's literally shopping for people. Tinder has become tricky in the sense that some people have caught on and realized there are decent human being on this app... Just kidding, you probably won't get murdered. Grindr When you have a successful business and a whittled-down user population, you're going to have one successful hookup app.
