Thank you so much for your question as I know many men and women would also like to know how to handle this type of scenario. I am glad you are starting to get pissed off because that is when you will begin to find out the answers you are looking for. Just accepting his “on and off” behavior is not healthy for you and if he can’t be honest as to why he is doing this, there may be some ghosts & goblins hidden in his closet that he is not sharing with you. You haven’t met his parents after 9 months which says he either has family issues or he is not as committed to you as he says he is. Neither of these are what you want in a partnership. He is definitely holding something back from you.
The fact that he has been a serial dater for 4 years (that you know of) and not yet met someone he wants to commit to at 41 is a sign that he is probably commitment phobic. After 9 months together you are entitled to question him on these things and I would start doing that very soon. It’s not OK for him to treat you in this hot and cold manner. If you are going to give your heart to someone you need to know where you stand with him! You said that you spelled things out with him in the very beginning so he knows you want a committed relationship with all the bells & whistles attached. The problem with that is he can use this as a manipulation tool and just give you enough to keep you interested without going to full distance! Talk is cheap remember?
His constant mixed signals are red flags that show his guarded personality. You shouldn’t have to question his feelings for you when it is RIGHT. I am not saying he can’t eventually change his ways, but it is not up to you to fix him. If he is not willing to talk to you or see a counsellor about why he is behaving this way, then I would suggest you end things and move on to find a more loving and reciprocated partnership where there are no questions. This situation you are in gives a whole new meaning to give & take! (You give and he takes!) We all have stuff to deal with in life but it is HOW we deal with it that allows us to grow to our best potential and remove negative patterns that continue to screw our life up.
