Communication is the key to any successful relationship. This is a phrase we've all heard at least once or twice in our lifetime. The fact is, open and honest communication is critical to sustaining any long-term connection. We must be willing to be open about any issue that presents itself. We must be honest about how those issues affect us. Whether it's in a job, a familial relationship, or a romantic one, communication is a significant part of the equation. One thing that comes to mind when hearing the word communication is community. As gay men, we've often felt the need to form unique ways to bond with our own community. There were cruising areas in the seventies, bathhouses in the eighties, and nightclubs in the nineties. If we're not in a predominantly gay area, the thought of walking up to someone and asking them out doesn't always make us feel so safe. We've long been aware that we could get punched in the face, or even worse. This is not a valid email, please try again. This was of the Matthew Shepard case. So one can imagine why we would feel safer going to gay bars and living in gay neighborhoods. And it doesn't just stop at the location. In the seventies, there were even codes in gay men's clothing and body language as to what they were into sexually. That was during a time before Grindr, Tinder, and OkCupid. It was before we could open an app and check out all the available men in our area. Gay men had to be more creative. However, with the technological advances made since then, our community has moved right along with it. On the surface, this sounds like a good thing. It sounds like a progression. But what happens when red flags appear? What happens when it appears like we're taking social networking for granted? Has the dating app killed communication? Communicating isn't so difficult when it's within the safety net of the app. It's when you want to step outside the app that problems arise. Earlier this year, I met a guy I had been talking to for about a year. It began on Tinder and we found each other again on OkCupid. We clicked instantly and flirted heavily. I figured the mall was a pretty good spot to meet for the first time. That way, if it's not going well, you've got a way out. I soon realized the way out was something I unfortunately needed. To call our date if you even want to call it that socially awkward would be an understatement. The entire time, he acted like he didn't want to be there. I felt like my mother trying to drag me at seven years old to JCPenney for back to school shopping. Not to mention the fact that I was working my ass off the entire time. It was one of those times when my journalistic interviewing skills came in handy. I was throwing out questions like darts, one right after another. I was determined to make some kind of conversation happen, but he wouldn't bite. He would just answer my question, often without making eye contact. At one point, I was tired of throwing darts at the board and missing. So I waited for him to come up with something. After what felt like the longest ten seconds of my life, he asked me what movies I've seen recently. It would have been a fine question if we weren't in front of a movie theater. The time had come. I knew there was nothing that could salvage this and I had to throw in the towel. When I got home, I was less sad and more frustrated. Frustrated due to the total disconnect between our online interaction and our in-person interaction. Frustrated because he behaved like someone who was ordered to go on a date and begrudgingly went along with it. I didn't force him to show up and I didn't force him to stay. If he wasn't interested in me, why couldn't he just say so? Why didn't he take one look at me upon arriving and walk the other way? It seemed like the problem was a failure of communication. He didn't seem to know how to communicate. Obviously, everybody has bad dates and it might seem like I'm overanalyzing. However, this isn't an isolated incident. It has happened with friendships as well. Sometimes the same thing happens but in reverse. I'll spend a great deal of time with someone in person and when I try to reach out to them afterward, I get nothing. Sometimes, I become the only person initiating any kind of interaction. I know that if I don't initiate a phone call, text, or date, it won't happen. When I seek advice on this subject, I'm met with people who can relate. However, I'm always struck by their nonchalant attitude. It's almost as if they're saying that because so many people do this, we should just accept it. Well, I don't want to accept it. I don't want to accept that most people have bad communication skills. I think we should always strive to be better versions of ourselves. It appears that in our desire to make connecting easier, we've actually become more disconnected than ever. Since I'm frustrated with this issue, other people must be as well. It seems like people have lost sight of the very key part of the relationship equation. Being open and honest about our frustration is crucial. We must not settle for a world full of people who don't know how to talk to each other. We can't passively accept those we care about ignoring us. Now I'm not saying that we should force those people to give us the time of day. That would be impossible. What I am saying, is we should have more self-respect than to beg people to be in our lives. We should find those who share our frustration and values. Silly me for thinking that you were forever - believing the promises and accepting all of your gifts. I thought those feelings were only possible in the movies. I raved about you, spoke so highly about you, and about how I could see a future with you. Silly me for losing friendships over you. I had best friends before you. But then you had me convinced that you were the only person that I needed. They all warned me but I was blinded by your love. There was no way that they could've been right. You were so sweet. You would have never. Silly me for choosing you over experience. You controlled every ounce of my being. I wanted to go out without you but I wasn't allowed. I missed so much because of you and I thought that was normal. I was no longer an individual but rather someone who's life was dictated by someone else's opinions. You told me what was right and wrong. This is not a valid email, please try again. Silly me for believing what you said about my body. I was perfectly content before you came along. But yet there I was, attempting to lose weight and wear more makeup because you told me to. I became a new person around you - one that I didn't like. But I did it anyway, for you. Silly me for thinking I was the only one. I believed the lies that come flowing out of your mouth as if they had been rehearsed for days. You conditioned your eyes to innocence - and I believed them without a doubt. Silly me for not picking up on the signs. Your lies had been inconspicuously drilled into my head. I couldn't even think straight. You had me overcome with emotion to the point where I ignored the hints: the texts with other girls, the lies, the rumors. It all went unnoticed. Silly me for giving you the time of day after I found out what you did. I had always heard of people being cheated on but I never thought that it would've happened to me. Yet, there I was trying to justify why it was okay for you to cheat on me 20+ times. You had me questioning what did wrong to make you not want me. You made me question myself and who I was. And silly me for not knowing my worth earlier on. You stole my happiness, you stole my confidence, you stole my voice, you stole my trust - things I will never be able to fully regain ever again. If you are a person of color and your significant other is not, chances are, yes, they are probably racist. As America is progressing as a society, interracial couples are becoming significantly more common. When two individuals from different social backgrounds come together in a relationship, there are certain attitudes that I have observed over the years. According to the , interracial married-couple households in the United States increased from 7. With this idea that interracial couples and marriages are increasing in mind, what are the expectations we have for our significant other? This is not intended to generalize every interracial couple, this is just an observation. A few months ago at my work, a coworker of mine came in as a customer. I haven't worked with her for the few weeks I had been employed, so naturally I just assumed she was a random customer. At this point, I'm not sure if she knew I was Asian and was trying to antagonize me or if she genuinely believed I was white. As a Korean-American, I have passed as white before, but many people would agree to say that I am unmistakably Asian. As she left I was so confused and didn't really know whether I was offended or not. My coworkers were quick to inform me that her husband is Asian as if it could justify her racism. According to these same coworkers, she makes Asian jokes all the time and is not racist because her husband is Asian. I made it very clear to my coworkers that her behavior is not okay and I could not care less whether her husband was Asian or not because it will never make her Asian herself. Even if she was Asian I wouldn't know how to react to her remarks. Maybe I could laugh it off easier, but it would still leave me feeling uncomfortable. Another student shared a similar story with the class: her Black boyfriend's brother was dating a white girl who threw around the n-word and justified her racism with the fact she was dating a Black boy. While others may tolerate this vernacular, it is not a subject taken lightly by many. Many people are tolerable of racist humor which is why I'm sure my coworker's husband didn't have a problem with her racist comments and some Black people tolerate the n-word. However, many of us aren't comfortable with it and that should be respected. Our reasons for feeling uncomfortable are valid. These two situations were examples of racism within a relationship. One contains racist remarks fully intended to offend Asians, and the other one pertains to a controversial word that evokes victimized racism. People need to be respectful of individual social backgrounds if they are going to throw around controversial words or opinions; especially in regards to race. At the end of the day, these are just words, but it's the impression we leave on people and the attitude we want to promote in our world that needs to be considered. Please, if you have learned anything from this article: be respectful of others. Dating anyone of color does not put you in a position where you get to decide if you are being racist or not!
