If we want more depth and connection and joy in our relationships, we’re going to have to develop more emotional intimacy with our partners, our friends, our family, our coworkers.
The social aspect of relationship refers to how we relate to our personal community, and how that relationship reflects upon, and is a reflection of, our intimate relationships.
A wage earning biker and an Upper East Side banker with a trust fund are probably not going to find themselves in a relationship. Not because that relationship isn't possible or wouldn't work, but, quite simply, because they typically don't travel in the same social circles. And, if that relationship were to develop, one of the greatest obstacles the relationship would face is that one or both partners would have to greatly divest themselves of their social identity. This is a possibility, but unlikely to occur.
The physical aspect of relationship is in some ways a subset of the social aspect.
Couples need not share every activity, nor do those activities even have to be physical in nature. Oftentimes, the physical aspect of relationship is a more about proximity and togetherness, rather than doing something. And that doing something can be as simple as sitting on a couch and reading, or working in the garden. It doesn't necessarily mean mountain biking, rock climbing or traveling to exotic locales.
The intellectual aspect of relationship refers not only to native intelligence, but intelligences, as well as schooling and the more esoteric applications of the mind. That includes things like the values, morality, ethics and social perspective.
On the surface, that statement sounds elitist - especially the part about schooling. What it intends, however, is that there be an intellectual common ground -- once again, a balance - that leads to mutual respect. If you think your partner is dumb, or your partner feels you believe yourself to be intellectually superior or vice-versa, you've got built-in conflict.
When we talk about intelligences, we are referring to Howard Gardner's work on multiple intelligences. We aren't just smart we are smart in particular ways. We may possess musical intelligence, or kinesthetic intelligence, or linguistic intelligence and those things need to be recognized and respected as part of a person's intellectual landscape. It is not just about where -- or even if -- they went to school, but how they apply themselves intellectually and our response to that.
Don’t settle for shallow or emotionally flat expressions. If you’re not sorry, don’t say you are — but if you’ve done something that’s hurt another and you feel bad about this, and the words “I’m sorry” get stuck in your throat, say that you’re having hard time saying it. Such a confession will usually soften you enough to allow your remorse a fitting voice.
It’s that simple and that challenging. Connecting only through our upbeat emotions is not enough—we also need to find, and keep finding, relationship-deepening connection through all our emotions. And there is no way we can do this if we are not significantly intimate with our emotions.
