that the very best course for you and for Nellie is to give this matter up entirely,
for no good can come of it. In continuing your attentions to her, you will
be unfitting yourself for your office duties and placing obstructions in your
way for a thorough education and for the habits of body and mind to become
settled. Even to bind your affections prematurely is doing yourself and any
young lady injustice....
I have been shown the evil of these early attachments, especially when a
young man is away from the home roof and must select his companion without
the discriminating eye of his mother. It is not safe for you to trust to your own
judgment. Early anxiety upon the subject of courtship and marriage will divert
your mind from your work and studies, and will produce in you and the one
whom you flatter with your attentions a demoralizing influence. There will
be in you both a vain forwardness in manners, and infatuation will seize you
both, and you will be so completely blinded in regard to your influence and
example that you will, if you continue in the course you have entered upon,
expose yourselves to criticism and demand that censure should be passed upon
your course.
This courtship and marriage is the most difficult to manage, because the
mind becomes so bewildered and enchanted that duty to God and everything
else becomes tame and uninteresting, and calm and mature thought is the last
thing to be exercised in this matter of the gravest importance. Dear youth,
I speak to you as one who knows. Wait till you have some just knowledge
of yourself and of the world, of the bearing and character of young women,
before you let the subject of marriage possess your thoughts.
After the Honeymoon. I could cite you many who are now mourning over
their extreme folly and madness in their marriage, when mourning will avail
them nothing. They
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find themselves exposed to temptations they never dreamed of; they find traits
of character in the object of their choice above which they cannot elevate them,
and therefore they accept the inevitable and come to their level. Nellie A will
never elevate you. She has not in her the hidden powers which, developed,
would make a woman of judgment and ability to stand by your side, to help
you in the battles of life. She lacks force of character. She has not depth of
thought and compass of mind that will be a help to you. You see the surface
and it is all there is. In a little while, should you marry, the charm would be
broken. The novelty of the married life having ceased, you will see things in
their real light, and find out you have made a sad mistake.
Need of Mature Judgment. Maturity of judgment will give you much better
discernment and power of discrimination to know the truth. Your character
needs forming, your judgment needs strength before you entertain the thought
of marriage. You are not now prepared to judge of another, and do not be
betrayed into committing a grievous indiscretion, if not crime, for which the
bitter regrets and tears of afterlife will bring no relief. The child, the mere
undisciplined immature schoolgirl, the Miss, dependent upon the discretion
of parents and guardians, has no reason to listen to anything like courtship or
marriage. She should decline all special attentions which would have the least
likelihood to lead to any such results, and devote herself intently to making
herself as perfect a woman as possible, that her life may be useful, and learn a
trade that she will have employment and be independent.
Intellectual Basis of True Love. Love is a sentiment so sacred that but few
know what it is. It is a term used but not understood. The warm glow of
impulse, the fascination of one young person for another, is not love; it does
not
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deserve the name. True love has an intellectual basis, a deep, thorough
knowledge of the object loved. But this catching up with objects and
bestowing on them the thoughts and affections, is without reason, without
judgment, and is excessive, temporary, and sensual.
Remember that impulsive love is perfectly blind. It will as soon be placed
on unworthy objects as worthy. Command such love to stand still and cool.
Give place to genuine thought and deep, earnest reflection. Is this object of
your affection, in the scale of intelligence and moral excellence, in deportment
and cultivated manners, such that you will feel a pride in presenting her to
your father’s family, to acknowledge her in all society as the object of your
choice, one whose society, conversational powers, and manners will interest
and satisfy your most grand expectations? Will Nellie fill this bill? I answer
decidedly, No, she will not.
Importance of Family Backgrounds. Let time teach you discretion, and
what the genuine claims of love are, before it is allowed to step one inch
further. Ruin, fearful ruin, is before you in this life and the next, if you pursue
the course you have been following. Look to the family history. Two families
are to be brought into close and sacred connection. Perfection in all these
relations is not, of course, to be expected, but you would make a most cruel
move to marry a girl whose ancestry and relatives would degrade and mortify
you, or tempt you to slight and ignore them.
Counsel From Parents and Close Friends. It is safe to make haste slowly
in these matters. Give yourself sufficient time for observation on every point,
and then do not trust to your own judgment, but let the mother who loves you,
and your father, and confidential friends, make critical observation of the one
you feel inclined to favor. Trust not to your own judgment, and marry no one
whom you feel will not be
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an honor to your father and mother, [but] one who has intelligence and moral
worth. The girl who gives over her affections to a man, and invites his attention
by her advances, hanging around where she will be noticed of him unless he
shall appear rude, is not the girl you want to associate with. Her conversation
is cheap and frequently without depth.
No Marriage Preferable to a Mismatch. Nellie A will not be as much
prepared by cultivated manners and useful knowledge to marry at twenty-five
as some girls would be at eighteen. But men generally of your age have a
very limited knowledge of character, and no just idea of how foolish a man
can make himself by fancying a young girl who is not fit for him in any sense.
It will be far better not to marry at all than to be unfortunately married, but
seek counsel of God in all these things. Be so calm, so submissive to the will
of God, that you will not be in a fever of excitement and unqualified for His
