Hi Evan, I am a single mother of young children. I am currently in a relationship with a great man who has kids of his own. My dilemma is that one of his children is special needs autistic and will likely never live independently, only possibly in a group home as a young adult in his 20s. Raising him will very likely be quite difficult and stressful. It will be life changing if I choose him as a partner, for me and my kids. I enjoy the freedom I have to travel and enjoy my kids, and this would all change very drastically. The man is great…consistent in how he treats me, loving, kind, and generous. But I am having a lot of anxiety about the possibility of committing to him and his child long term. I know my kids are young, but they will be independent adults one day. Am I being selfish or shallow in my fear of this undertaking? Is this a valid reason to keep looking for a different partner? I really hope to hear from you. Thanks so much for your time. Carol Thanks for asking such an honest and challenging question, Carol. If you were to not consider the effects of being a stepmother and caretaker to a special-needs child, you could be considered hopelessly naïve. Men discriminate against heavy women? Women discriminate against Asian men? Men discriminate against black women? Everyone discriminates against older people? Which is just my long lead-in to suggest that your concern about the effects of an autistic child on your life is entirely reasonable. In fact, if you were to not consider the effects of being a stepmother and caretaker to a special-needs child, you could be considered hopelessly naïve. Do you think subtracting that from your bank account might have an effect on you? Do you think that the all-encompassing time-intensive nature of caring for an autistic child might impact your relationship, quality time, siblings, vacations, sitters, and sex drive? Listen, my wife has a cousin who is wheelchair-bound with MS and has a supportive partner. I have a friend in Los Angeles who was born with no legs and is happily married. There is a lid for every pot. It was fair of me not to date a former drug addict I met online. God bless the people who take on those challenges, but not everyone is cut out for the tough stuff. This is something she clearly needs to discuss with her partner. Perhaps he can provide her with a plan of action or detail into how this will affect her and what roles and responsibilities she will have. Perhaps such a large family will add to the support the autistic child will get, making his care easier. The man has things to consider too. Above all else, they should talk about their hopes and concerns and see what page each person is on. I think you spoke it perfectly. This is probably my favorite response you have posted here! This is coming from someone who does not see eye to eye with you on posts sometimes. When you truly Love someone, you have to be able and willing to take on all parts of their life, if you want to share your life with them. The foundation must be correct for anything to be built on it through out the years. Either your heart is in it or out. Especially when children are involved, it must be 100% in. Nothing is stronger than the bond of a parent and child. Evan, you are right, every pot does have a lid, and everyone is not cut out for the tough stuff. Our choices have a very large ripple effect in this Universe. If you choose to have a child, you accept the very slight risk factor of a severe mental disability such as that debilitating level of autism. You accept the even greater risk factor that you end up with a child will struggle with drugs or alcohol, and require very expensive residential treatment and continued financial support. And yes, those struggles may make it more difficult to find a suitable partner who is up for the challenge. These are the tradeoffs that are part of life. I am just too emotionally sensitive. I think OP has to be honest with herself and what her needs are and go from there. She must do what makes her happy as it will be a long-term decision. Doing what makes her happy is not selfish as it will have a knock on effect on her and his kids. First of all, why did she even continue dating this guy if she knew about the kid? But there are many other people who are willing to work with those who have kids with disabilities. And sometimes you just love who you love and have to accept a less than ideal situation and work through it. Thanks for sharing, Evan! I really enjoy reading your reasoning behind your logical resolutions. It brings a feeling of relief in realism. I am a mother of an autistic child with ADHD. I have dated men before that adore me, but talk bad about and to my son in a demeaning way. Now, I could not live with a man that mistreats my son. I know God made good men with hearts that have compassion for special needs children. In fact, I am dating one right now! As for Carol, I suggest she moves on. He has bankrupted the family, and every nickel my grandfather worked for has been flushed down the toilet. Then there are the calls in the middle of the night about his attempted murders on the staff and his escapes 2 escapes and attempted murders this year alone. I grew up in terror of him, he stalked my little sister at school, tried to murder my grandma and father, and beast grandad with a pipe. Stay away from families with problems. I came across a Professional White male who had 4 children the youngest child had 9 years autism.. I stopped all contact with him. She is still raising three children and she has responsibilities to them. It just is what it is. Even wonderful people can not be the right partner for us. We broke up because of other reasons, but the fact that he has a child with special needs 50% of the time living with him was always on my mind. I think I always knew there would be no future together as I was worried about my girls. The prognosis was the there is a big chance that this boy would never be living as an independent adult. I have 2 little girls 4 and 8 and his son, 9 was walking naked in front of them. I was thinking how is it going to be when they reach puberty and we all live together in one house. We have to keep the interests of our own children in mind first. I keep reminding myself throughout this dating journey that not all nice, kind men are meant to by my husband. As a mother, the number one priority is your own kids. Bringing a step parent into their lives is harder, step siblings harder, a disabled step sibling harder still. I can absolutely see why she would fear the impact of a severely autistic child on her entire family. From my own experience, I dated a nice guy for two years. I decided to move on for various reasons but two of the biggest ones were 1 he had no children and after 2 years I was not certain that he would be a patient step parent for my kids. No special needs involved, but I had to make a choice thinking about the overall likely impact of that choice on my kids. Sometimes the more you love and care for someone, the more you have to take yourself out of the picture, for their higher good. In the original story of Cinderella, the stepsisters cut parts of their feet off to make the glass slipper fit. This is a gruesome but instructive form of symbolism. Let this prince go, so he can find his true Cinderella. She will wear the glass slipper of this relationship comfortably and gracefully, and they will all live happily ever after. I Love what you have said here. It is very truthful and wise and deep. Although it is very painful and hard, sometimes you do have to let someone go, no matter how much you Love them. Thank you for sharing this. I love the man I am with — he is without a doubt, the kindest and most genuine man I have ever met. He is also the father of an autistic child that we never really talk about, in terms of the future. And as much as I love and care for this man…I love and care for myself more. For a very naive hope that the love I feel for this man, and that he feels for me…well, that will be enough. And I thank you, Elle, for beautifully pointing that out. I was desperately looking for cases like mine and your words sounded like my restless mind. I have been 4 years with an awesome man, that has a son with a light autism condition but that still is very hard to deal with. I decided not to have kids long ago, and i am 48 years old. I dont know what to do since I dont want to spend my rest short of life dealing with a kid that will always be a stone in our feet plus I dont want to live with him because of the son. I am very frustrated. And deep down, I know I will never be the loving team mate who will help him through the never ending problem this will be. When my parents die I will inherit the care of him. Growing up our family was very stressed. It is probable that taking on a special needs stepchild will have a major, largely negative, life effect, on your own 3 biological boys. You will have less energy and time and other resources to give them. Their lives will suffer in countless little ways. They will learn and gain stuff too e. Good luck with your choice. I have a mentally challenged sister, who is 7 yrs younger than me and she is also my only inheritance. My parents had issues with giving me unconditional love even before she was born and my childhood ended when she was born. This experience made me a strong, successful and independent woman. However I lived my life subconsciously knowing that I am not good enough to be loved. When my phycologist asked me about my best childhood memory I started to cry. I am very happy to see that we are able to find out the underlying cause in nearly 100% of the cases we see, 80 % of patients improved with biomedical treatments, and 7 patients have recovered! The blood tests are covered by insurance, and we offer discounts of 20-50% off of the already low office fees, because we want to help these children to become more independent, to lessen the burden on their parents, and to improve their quality of life! The internet likes to force opinions on others, on what should be the moral thing to do and equal opportunity and all that, most of the time enforced by social justice warriors. But in the end, you know what? If I can choose the best man possible to give me the marriage that I want, who are you to deny me of that? I think people should think about the downfalls of dating someone with entitled kids, alcoholic kids, or mean kids. Those are the kids I fear. We know how to help kids with autism — all those other issues will bring rise to possibly more conflict and stress. There are community resources for kids with autism — good luck with resources for those other issues. But should she avoid dating a person with a special needs child? She is not at all immature nor is she shallow, she is making a well-thought out and reasoned choice for herself based on the ifnromstion she has, which is all anyone can do. In no way is her choice a sign of less than stellar character. It does say a lot about her character. Evan may not be a moralist, but I am to elaborate this. If you have to ask others for advice about your guilt, just say no, move on, find a man with perfect children. It's a relief to know I have options. But really, I'm very, very much in love. THIS is the relationship I want, and I have it! Love is not a big enough word for how we feel! Thank you for leading me in the right direction, giving me the confidence to believe in myself and helping me find the love I deserve. I enjoyed my dates and I learned to trust my feelings and instincts more. He is kind and caring, with wonderful values. He makes me feel like the most special woman in the world. I never have to wonder how he feels about me, I KNOW.
