There comes a point in just about every , it seems, when couples stop speaking the same language. It's an approach that makes sense, says Julie Nise, MA, LPC, LMFT, a marriage coach at the Aim Counseling Center in Houston and author of 4 Weeks to a Happier Relationship. If you devote yourself to understanding their perspective... I thought I'd put his strategy to the test. Continued What's My Love Language? My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and I think overall we have a pretty good relationship. It's not perfect, though. I get annoyed when he lets the trash cans overflow, and he gets irritated with the sloppy way I load the dishwasher. Often we get so preoccupied with work and that and are thrown on the back burner. Although I'm generally skeptical about any technique that purports to fix my marriage, I figured there's always room for improvement. So my husband and I set about learning each other's love languages. According to Chapman, discovering your partner's love language requires some careful thought and observation. You also need to listen carefully to your spouse's criticisms. My husband and I thought about what we wanted most from each other, and we realized that all the best times in our relationship -- the moments we went back to again and again -- were the times we spent alone as a couple. Our honeymoon in Fiji. The vacation when we got snowed in at a mountain resort. Our trip to London and Paris. We were pretty sure we knew where this was headed, but we took Chapman's Love Languages online quiz just to be certain. As we suspected, my husband and I share a common love language: quality time. That doesn't mean words of affirmation, receiving gifts, and the other two love languages aren't important to us. It's just that quality time is our primary love language. How could we find quality time for each other when we could barely find time for ourselves, and everything else in our busy lives? Being busy is no excuse, Chapman says. No matter what a couple's love language is, it takes time to accommodate. It can be as quick and easy as grabbing a cup of coffee and talking for a few minutes, as long as it's focused attention. At first we couldn't agree. I suggested something romantic, like reading poetry. My husband voted for taking a shower together. Obviously, we were going to have some trouble finding compatible activities. But finally, we did agree on seven things to do together -- one for each day of the assignment. One day we spent nearly an hour wandering through the aisles of exotic foods at a local farmers market. The next day we went antiquing. We soon realized that we didn't need to go out on an official date to spend quality time together. After our son went to bed, instead of sitting side-by-side watching some mindless TV show, we turned off the TV and talked. We discussed issues that were important to us -- what we loved about each other and what we felt was lacking in our marriage. Being able to focus on each other brought back feelings and emotions that hadn't surfaced since the early days of our relationship B. We opened up to each other in a way we hadn't done in years. Continued I tried to focus not just on my husband's primary love language, but also on his other love languages, which included physical touch. My efforts were sincerely appreciated. If your love tank isn't full, your spouse asks how he or she can fill it. Every time my husband and I asked each other that week, our love tanks were full. Now we just had to figure out how to keep them that way. Keeping Your Love Tank Full With a minimum of effort, couples can continue to speak each other's love language. It takes just a few minutes each day to find out what your partner needs. Then you try to meet that need. Chapman says his Five Love Languages won't solve every problem in a marriage, but they will address the fundamental emotional needs every couple has. Our love tanks are staying pretty full these days. SOURCES: Gary Chapman, PhD, director, Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Northfield Publishing, 1992 Revised in 2010. Julie Nise, MA, LPC, LMFT, marriage coach, Aim Counseling Center, Houston; author, 4 Weeks to a Happier Relationship. © 2011 WebMD, LLC.
