ASGARDIAN SHIP - THE END OF THOR RAGNAROK CHRIS HEMSWORTH beaming with pride That was one goofy adventure, brother! JOSH SWOLLEN I have allowed half of Asgard to live, and allowed only half the audience to realize half of Asgard survived, in keeping with my Two-Face approach to villainy. Now give me the Tesseract, Tom Hiddleston, or I kill Chris! The way I know you have it is... TOM HIDDLESTON Ah, but... He decided not to even TRY fighting until now just so I could do that cool callback to Avengers 1. HULK RUFFALO charges out of nowhere and ATTACKS! But JOSH effortlessly CURBSTOMPS HULK, shrugging off HULK PUNCHES as though they were LICKS FROM A LABRADOODLE PUPPY and thus rendering half the upcoming fight scenes COMPLETELY IMPLAUSIBLE. IDRIS ELBA weakly Argh... Should I save the Tesseract, the thing we're desperate to not let Josh have? Or Chris, my best friend, King, and greatest warrior of our people? Or perhaps the utterly defeated dude I barely know? I'd say the choice is clear!! Oh did we mention he already got the first stone between movies? TOM HIDDLESTON Well this sucks ass. But I still have one final weapon at my disposal! IDRIS ELBA Upstaging prick. CHRIS HEMSWORTH At least we managed to send out a distress signal. Hopefully somebody will pick it up! EARTH - NEW YORK - SANCTUM SANCTORUM MARK RUFFALO, having been thrown at THE ENTIRE PLANET EARTH, naturally happens to crash-land in the EXACT SAME ROOM as BENEDICTS CUMBERBATCH and WONG!! Who imagined saying THAT eleven years ago, huh. How about you explain to the audience, oops I mean me, what's going on? BENEDICT WONG creates magickal Power-Point deck Josh is collecting the Infinity Stones. They reflect the six fundamental aspects of our existence: Star-power, Wisecracks, CGI, Cross-promotion, Continuity, and Mass-Marketing. BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH We call them the Power, Soul, Reality, Space, Time, and Mind stones, for short. It has the awesome power to undo anything bad that happens, and also to make us totally forget we can undo anything bad that happens. BENEDICT WONG If Josh puts all six Stones into his evil glove, he'll have the power to kill half the universe just by snapping his fingers! And to make half the universe tap-dance by doing jazz hands, but hopefully it won't come to that... Suddenly a MASSIVE SPACESHIP appears over NEW YORK! It is a giant HULA HOOP with SPARKS because the MCU loves its SPARKY HULA HOOPS, yo. From it emerge CGI TOM VAUGHAN-LAWLOR and CGI TERRY NOTARY! CGI TOM VAUGHAN-LAWLOR Greetings, we are two of the Children of Thanos! I am Blueberry Scone and this is Cult Amphibian!! I am the most dangerous of the Black Order since I actually have a personality. Well this is a new MCU movie with Iron Man in it, so you know what that means: yet another gimmicky new suit! TOM HOLLAND on a bus ALL THE WAY ACROSS TOWN Oh hey I have spider-sense now, when did that happen? Never mind that, gotta go help! Our first proper FIGHT SCENE BEGINS!! TERRY and BENEDICT and TOM and ROBERT and BENEDICT and TOM take turns waiting JUST OUT OF FRAME so they can SUDDENLY SWOOP INTO FRAME and ATTACK! MARK RUFFALO Guys, come on! BENEDICT WONG Well I'm gonna do something cool, I can use a portal to sever CGI Terry's hand! Ah, that is such a good trick to use when your enemy's main weapon is, let's say, on his hand. Like an evil glove or something. Just putting it out there. However CGI TOM captures CUMBERBATCH and the ALIEN SHIP begins flying off! ROBERT and SPIDEY-TOM hitch a ride while BENEDICT WONG stays behind to guard one single building that's already smashed to shit. GWYNETH PALTROW on radio Dammit Robert you get back here right this minute! If I don't make it back I know you'll get by somehow. GWYNETH PALTROW launches new Infinity-Stone-themed line of vag steamers and kegel accessories ROBERT DOWNEY JR. THE GUARDIANS' SPACESHIP Meanwhile, CHRIS HEMSWORTH is found by CHRIS PRATT, ZOE SALADANA, DAVE BLUETISTA, BRADLEY RACCOOPER, POM KLEMONTIEFF, and VIN TRIESEL! The GUARDIANS spend some time PERVING ON UNCONSCIOUS HEMSWORTH and then finally WAKE HIM UP. CHRIS HEMSWORTH Well met, new allies! We'll need all the combined might we can possibly muster to defeat Josh, so let's split up. The CGI characters should come with me to the galactic forge called Ninadobrev. So step one, I need a new hammer. CHRIS HEMSWORTH Exactly like that. I'm sure you'll succeed where half of Asgard failed! CHRIS PRATT Or you could swap places with Vin and never even be in the same room with Josh in the first place. ZOE SALADANA What, thwart the main villain right here and now and short-circuit the whole plot of the movie? HEMSWORTH and BRADLEY and VIN hop in a POD and set course for the galactic forge called NICKYNICKY-NINEDOORS. BRADLEY RACCOOPER So Chris, I can't help but notice you seem a bit... CHRIS HEMSWORTH ruefully My brother's dead. My parents are dead. Half my people are dead. What more do I have to lose? BRADLEY RACCOOPER I dunno but maybe perhaps THE OTHER HALF OF YOUR PEOPLE?!? Or did you send Tessa and Korg away with all the shitty Asgardians? CHRIS HEMSWORTH Yes, they insisted on standing to my right. BRADLEY RACCOOPER Which reminds me, have a new eyeball! It pops into your socket and sends images to your brain by hurberbling your plugurble. SCOTLAND Meanwhile, PURPAUL BETTANY and ELIZABETH OLSEN have been taking time away from superheroing to BONE and re-enact various HUGH GRANT ROMCOMS. CGI CARRIE COON Bwah ha, I am Plaxico Midwife and this is Curvy Glove! I look like Senua from Hellblade, but with horns instead of a headband! Look the art de
