Having cancer or a history of the disease can make the search for a relationship seem intimidating. Social worker Barbara Golby gives advice for restoring confidence, setting expectations, and disclosing disease history and shares for cancer patients and survivors looking to jump into the dating scene. Dating is exciting — but having cancer or having had cancer in the past can make the search for a relationship seem daunting. You may wonder: Am I ready to put myself out there again? When should I talk about my condition? How will my date respond? Though many cancer patients have the same questions and concerns, no two relationships are the same. A younger person with goals of marriage and children — and potential mates who may have had little experience with serious illness — probably has different dating concerns than an older person, whose potential partners might very well be dealing with their own health issues. Each person also has his or her own individual comfort level when discussing the disease. Some may find it important to share their experience; others would just as soon never bring up cancer again. Golby offers the following advice to help cancer patients and survivors answer some of the questions they may have about dating. This loss of confidence can make it harder to pursue a relationship. Start to rebuild your confidence by reminding yourself what you have to offer a potential partner and the traits you value most about yourself. Returning to activities you enjoyed before cancer — or trying new ones — can help you feel like yourself again. You may want exactly what you wanted before cancer, or your priorities may have shifted. Remember, going to a social event can be just that — a chance to get out and enjoy yourself, nothing more. Address Body-Image Issues Cancer treatment can leave scars, impact mood, decrease desire, and alter sexual function, leaving you feeling insecure and uncomfortable with your body. Others tend to bring it up almost as a defense mechanism — a test to make sure the other person can handle it so they can avoid being hurt later on, Ms. There are plenty of people who battle cancer and go on to find romance and love. To register, call 646-888-8106 or email. You can also schedule an appointment with our by calling 646-888-5067, or with our at 646-422-4359. Though happily married for 35 years, battling cancers these past five years makes one reflect on the toll it takes on the spouse. Becoming more vain, more spontaneous at times, and more self-absorbed are all manifestations of anxieties that must be addresed in a two-way conversation. Ever heard of Stage 4 breast cancer, for example? You are a social worker -- you should know better!! And at MSKCC I would expect a LOT more compassion and common sense! Thanks for the reply. It's not just about me and my experience. I am a young, single person who was diagnosed early stage and then after aggressive treatment, I metastasized. No one was more shocked by this than me. I am not alone. The social workers need to understand that many, many, many, many cancer patients will be dealing with cancer on an ongoing basis in one way or another and that they too are looking for life skills and just some basic understanding. Some simple language adjustments could go a long way. I can't believe in 2014 there isn't more understanding of this at MSKCC. And yes I have advanced stage cancer, but I am in remission and healthy, too. I don't need my own newsletter but I shouldn't have to school a social worker either! Maybe I have learned too much way too soon, but I am fighting the good fight for those not as healthy as me. Thank you again for your insight. We take the suggestions and needs of all of our patients very seriously, and we're planning to explore a separate post on dating for people with advanced disease, as well as other topics that might be of particular interest. If you have any suggestions, we'd love to hear from you. There are also groups that address the impact of living with advanced cancer. Two of these groups are the Metastatic Breast Cancer Group please call 646-888-5271 or 646-888-5203 for more information and Making Today Count, an online support group:. Finally, a recent issue of the Journal of Social Work in Health Care, much of which was authored by our social work faculty, focuses on the needs of individuals with chronic and advanced cancer. I have had stage 2 breast cancer, double mastectomy and radiation. I have been single for 7 years, with my diagnosis occurring in June 2012. I think this is an important issue and would be interested in hearing others experiences and how they dealt with it. As I returned to dating post treatment, I thought that revealing my health history would be a significant turning point - a make it or break point in a new relationship, and certainly anxiety provoking. I tended to reveal my medical history early, as that was what felt right for me. To their credit, what I found was that the men I dated were more interested in me as a person rather than the diagnosis. My journey still continues, but I am comforted in knowing that there are people out there who can see beyond the scars both mental and physical that we live with on a day to day basis. I live with Non hodgekins lymphoma. After two years of treatment I thought I would have a break, Im now waiting for a biopsy to see if my cancer has become more agressive. I have no social connections in my small town. I have two strikes against me when meeting someone on an online dating. To tell the truth online you get sympathy and the wrong replies. I dont want sympathy for my situation. I also dont want sex. Intimacy and honesty was important for me before cancer. Thats lacking in many online dating sites. Here my dumb question, is there a legeimat site with people who are honest about living with Cancer? This is going to be with me for the rest of my life. More important than my question is what I think about women who are in treatment, there is nothing more attractive than a woman with a bald head. My eyes see the beautybof your face. My second opinion has to do with women who have had masetomys. It doesnt make you less beautiful in my eyes. We spend too much time defing sex and perfection in society. Everyones expections are too high, people become narsistic. There doesnt seem to be a solution. While people are genorus supporting agencys like the america cancer society withwalks and money. The real support single cancer patients need is acceptance and frienship from individuals. Cancer has many faces the real battle is not always in the clinic. I have been fighting cancer Non-Hodgkins Follicular Lymphoma since November 2009 and I have been single since December 2009, as my girlfriend at that time decided she couldn't be with me anymore. I have a son from that last relationship and I have made him my main focus in life, but I still miss being involved with someone who cares about me, as I care for them. About two and a half years after I was diagnosed with cancer I was diagnosed with Hep-c and I was able to be cured of the Hep-C a little more than a year and a half ago. I had to have a sonogram of my liver done before I started the medication to cure me of the Hep-C and those scans showed my liver as being remarkable and picture perfect. Then after I was found to be cured of the Hep-C I had another sonogram of my liver and now I have Stage 3 cirrhosis of my liver. I will never get to experience a normal lifestyle again and finding someone who will be with me in a relationship just isn't going to happen. I have to say that I agree 100% with the lady who wrote about how this article leaves out people like myself and her, who will be fighting cancer till the day we die. I don't understand how someone who works in this field doesn't have a true understanding of what it is truly like to live a life the way those like myself have to live. There are plenty of people who will never get to have a life without cancer being involved in one way or another. I don't mean those who are lucky enough to get cured of their cancer or those who get several years in remission either. I am referring to those who only get a few months in remission before their cancer comes back, if they are lucky enough to get that even. How does someone, who will always be fighting cancer, find that special someone to be with? I have to say that the comments from Tom about his experiences with online dating services is been my experience as well. I don't want a woman who is with me just because she feels bad for me and I am not looking for a hookup nor do I need or want some lady I just met throwing herself at me to have sex with her the first time we meet. Is it not normal for people to go on a date and not have sex? I would like to find me a lady who wants to be with me because she loves me for who I am and not just because she feels sorry for me. I personally have given up on trying to find that one to be with and I have put what energy I have towards spending time with my son. I know that he is going to start wanting to spend more time with his friends and eventually with some girl and our time together will eventually be when he finds the time to see me he will. I just hope I get to be around long enough for that to actually happen. After going through cancer treatment I feel so lonely. It's like my whole support system disappeared. I still need support! I feel so un feminine, no hair, no eyebrows but have this desire to have male company. I refuse to do online dating and I'm not very social. So here I sit on a Saturday night Netflix and chill in.. Dear Jennifer, it's normal and common for cancer survivors to feel they way you do after treatment ends. It often helps to talk to others survivors who have had a similar diagnosis and treatment experience. Perhaps joining a support group in your area to connect with others would be helpful. Also, many people who have been treated for cancer find it useful to chat with a social worker, who can offer some good strategies to help you cope with the physical and emotional changes that you have been through. We have some resources on our website that may also be of interest: Coping with Hair Loss: Videos for Survivors: Thank you for reaching out to us. Not to sound spammy, but there is a cancer survivor dating site called CancerMatch It started in New York City in 2005 and now is international. It's a cancer survivor to cancer survivor dating site. Add new comment We welcome your questions and comments. While we share many of them with our world-class doctors and researchers, we regret that in order to protect your privacy, we are not able to make personal medical recommendations on this forum, nor do we publish comments that contain your personal information. If you would like to consult with an MSK doctor, we encourage you to make an appointment at 800-525-2225 or request an appointment online.
