Midlife Marriage: Love it, Leave it or Reinvent it As they hit midlife, Americans are rethinking just about every part of their lives these days — their careers, their locations, their appearances, their lifestyles and even their favorite pets welcome back to No. The old paradigm: find a mate, procreate, and raise what at least appears to be a happy family. It may mean finding new ways to rekindle the initial points of combustion. Or, just as likely, it may mean ditching a lost cause of a marriage or finding highly creative ways to keep a troubled one going. But the same study found that the number of unmarried people 50-plus living together tripled between 2000 and 2013— also the highest gains of any group. Translation: People are doing what it takes to be happy, regardless of preconceived notions or traditional rules. Or to choose not to. One option gaining traction among midlife couples is to stay married but live separately—what experts refer to as LAT living apart together. Lise Stoessel and her husband, Emil, are practically poster children for this trend, and she chronicled their story in her book Living Happily Ever After — Separately. Their unconventional arrangement began the way most marital problems do, with an unhappy wife ready for change. After 23 years, Stoessel had reached the point where she felt she could no longer live with her husband. Their daily interactions had become laced with bitterness. Emil was a pack rat who worked from home; Lise felt crowded out. So with their kids grown and out of the house, she secretly began looking for a house of her own. In the process, she came to a realization. Maybe we just need space. I want to see if we can make it work. Emil would stay in their home, and they would buy a second house for Lise nearby. She sleeps at his house three nights; he sleeps at her house one night and comes for dinner another two. They plan their calendars together, including vacations. Having separate homes has relieved a lot of the tension and brought them emotionally closer. But there are simpler ways on how to rekindle your marriage according to Coontz, and midlife spouses are increasingly open to more flexible arrangements. The New Balance Of Power More often than not, women are the ones determining whether saving a marriage is worth that kind of extra commitment. Sonya Rhodes, author of Second Honeymoon: A Pioneering Guide for Reviving the Mid-Life Marriage. I don't think what people really get is that these are brand-new demands on marriage. We now want the same things that you would have gotten in an early-stage relationship … and we want it now for the rest of our lives. The greatest predictor of whether a marriage can be saved is how good it was in the first place, says Rhodes. A lot of those marriages are reinventable. The reinvention process starts with tough questions: What kind of marriage do I want? What kind of marriage do I have? The answers can be unsettling. Here are some simple, early steps to rekindle a marriage: Start at the beginning. Think back to when you were first married. What were the sparks between you? What did you love about your spouse? Can you reconnect with that person, or that image? Go on an archeological dig through your lives—immerse yourself in old photos and videos of the two of you in happier times; read letters you wrote to each other. Relearn what made the two of you tick. You may have grown apart, or focused too much on kids or work over the years, says Rhodes. Choose a shared project. And hey, it would be nice if you had the same opportunity. Too much couple-time can be suffocating, even for the blissfully happy. Add new sources of stimulation by inviting other people—single or married—into your lives. Go out with other couples, have different groups of people over for dinner, vacation with your grown children. Expect subtle change; not transformation. And neither do the people in them. Plan a surprise weekend for your spouse. Once you confirm that subscription, you will regularly receive communications related to AARP volunteering. In the meantime, please feel free to search for ways to make a difference in your community at.
