GI JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA was a stupid fucking movie from a shitty director. It was just so un-self-consciously ludicrous that it was hard not to enjoy. Like a hyperactive little kid that you would never want to be a parent to but just seeing him jump around giggling for a minute makes you laugh. I would say he made RISE OF COBRA fun not so much through his talents as through a series of coincidences. So hiring Jon M. Chu for the sequel seemed like a stroke of genius. His STEP UP 2 THE STREETS added many clever gimmicks and an ensemble of appealing underdogs to the template of the teen-dancers-from-opposite-sides-of-the-tracks original. With STEP UP 3 he went even further, maintaining an earnest melodrama at the core but placing it in a cartoonish world where dancers have light up clothes, roof top parkour training sessions and coats with built-in speakers for public restroom dance battle ambushes. Chu is the Justin Lin of dance movies. It just seemed right. If he could approach it exactly like STEP UP it would be perfect: embracing the absurdity, but taking it seriously. So I assume that means that Dennis Quaid, Rachel Nichols, comic relief Marlon Wayans and everybody else from part 1 were in the pile of dead bodies there. Thank you for your service. The terrorist leader Cobra Commander, who has to escape from being paralyzed in a tank deep underground in a German prison run by Walton Goggins, is no longer played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt. The other guy, Destro, is also in the prison, but Cobra Commander decides to leave him there. The Baroness is not mentioned. Is it fair to say that Pryce is the replacement for the replacement Darkman? They have to mount a big undercover infiltration in order to steal a hair and test the DNA. The villain who does return is the best one, the white-clad ninja Storm Shadow, played by the great Byung-Hun Lee of I SAW THE DEVIL. Like in the first one the most legitimately good part of the movie is the part about the ninjas. Storm Shadow has a complicated relationship with heroic black-armored and masked mute Snake eyes. I forget the back story exactly but they grew up together. The movie assumed I remembered some shit I have no recollection of involving Storm Shadow murdering their master, but it was totally worth bringing up again for the ludicrous twist they add to the proceedings. Now Storm Shadow has a cousin named Jinx Elodie Yung from DISTRICT 13 ULTIMATUM and they all have a master named Blind Master, played by RZA. I knew he was gonna be in it but was pleasantly surprised that he gets to do lots of wise Sifu monologuing in a style just like on his albums or the narration in THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS. He seems to live on Ninja Mountain, which I believe is north of Jungle Village. I think all the shots of him are in Shawscope. I think everybody agrees this is an amazing scene that stands out as being way better than anything else in either GI JOE picture. I think RETALIATION has more legitimately cool things in it than the first one. The Rock is a much more charismatic lead than Tatum was, and in fact Tatum is much more likable in his small appearance. The digital effects in this one are not as constant but are up to modern standards. RISE OF COBRA was funny how ridiculously out of date and cheap everything looked, in this one the standout scene Ninja Mountain is presumably mostly animated, but looks real. Same goes for Cobra Commander. Oh yeah, Bruce is in this. I guess he fulfills the Dennis Quaid role as the older mentor figure. Did anybody notice that poor Bruce looks kinda wimpy standing next to Jai Courtney? Well, picture him standing next to The Rock. I have a question about The Rock. Is he owned by Under Armour? I saw a profile of them on Dateline NBC or some shit and they are like the jock answer to Pixar, this utopian workplace where every employee is assigned a personal trainer. Anyway I bring this up because The Rock has the Under Armour UA symbol on his chest for this entire movie, and before the movie they had the trailer for THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS 6 and in that he also has the UA on his chest. Yes, it is possible. RETALIATION is just all around a better designed, better acted, less moronic movie than RISE OF COBRA. Part 1 felt like it never quit. There was a certain naive crappy beauty to it. In comparison this one is more tasteful but kinda dull. The Joes are walking through a desert for a while and then talking in a gym for a while. I even kinda missed the rubber mouth on Snake Eyes. But at least at the climax when he gets all the world leaders together to trick them into launching their nuclear missiles and then to override them so that, you know… what he does with the satellite that he has, with the Cobra symbol on it. You know come to think of it I have no clue what the evil master plan was. But in that scene he reveals his true colors so he gets to be really funny finally. So I had fun with it, and I suspect it will seem a little better when I watch it again some time a few years down the line. We were all excited and we saw so many of the highlights in the trailer and then they delayed it for almost a year and we still kept seeing the trailer. The reverse of Channing Tatum. Isaac Florentine for GI JOE 3. Make it happen, toy company. VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER! His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year. This was also an amazing mini re-review of the first one, which I also loved, so that was fun. They certainly missed a trick in killing Tatum, he and The Rock had genuinely good chemistry in their brief scenes together and would have elevated the movie had they been a team throughout. Or did they just CGI his face or something? Plus, they seem to have rewritten what GI Joe is. But yeah, a lot to like, but a lot of faults too, including some massive plot holes, such as: Why does the the superweapon EXPLODE when they hit the override on it? And I personally thought The RZA was terrible, Vern. I totally look forward to Ninja Mountain. Also, the ACR is genius. Never stop using it. And maybe consider going back to older reviews and adding it. I mentioned in the JUDGE DREDD thread that I thought the mild choppiness of the action was to safeguard the PG-13 rating. Long takes and precisely composed camera moves might be great for action fans, but they suck for studios who need to chop out a few frames of impact here and there to prevent their feature-length toy commercial from getting an R. You want a G. You take what you can get. Me, I liked most of what I got. I think the ridiculousness of the film is getting short shrift. I did not see this as the grim and gritty G. It was like a completely different movie got spliced in. I hate to say it, but America would vote for that guy. He also had the best non-ninja action beat when his motorcycle separated into a dozen wall-destroying missiles. And Walton Goggins added another subtle facet of weasely sadist to his ever-expanding menagerie. Are you kidding me? On the negative side, Flint was a total waste of a character Did they even take time to give him a single defining characteristic? Cocky, wet-behind-the-ears, uses an exotic novelty weapon, anything? Is there a Kickstarter campaign I can donate to? But here it goes. I was bored the other day and streamed the Albert-Pyun-free CAPTAIN AMERICA, and I felt stupid for not noticing how this and G. Joe are basically almost one and the same. I mean I believe in the JD thread I cited THE AVENGERS of somewhat being the G. Both are heavy CGI, big spectacle action-adventure films designed at least in part to sell toys. Yet unlike any of the G. Joe films, CA for me was charming, entertaining, and even interesting at times. Not like both companies spend more than the other on their films, so I wonder why? Is it just the personel? Is it Marvel is movies off comics with well-established mythologies to plunder and Hasbro sometimes has to build up a world from scratch like adapting a board game like BATTLESHIP? What do you all think? Such a shitty excuse because: 1 What do Rom: Space Knight and Micronauts have in common? Both were memorable 1980s comic books that were based off toys, with comics meant to promote them. Yet people from that era remember those comics, because the people who wrote them were actually INSPIRED by the concept of those plastic chunks and did creative wonders with those. And when I mean people, I mean Bill Mantlo. Funny enough the same applies to G. Rom I still believe would make for a good picture. PSYCH even just did an episode inspired by it. Where is that inspired, wonderful absurdity in those films? Are you kidding me? Why not more like that? Be interesting, be colorful. Like Red Skull writing the city tagets on his bombs. Damn you Hollywood, when you assholes gonna understand that? Every title or characters have their own charms, or potentials ones at least, and should be embraced by their own identities. Joe to me is like James Bond but on steroids, more ninjas and awesome stuff that our world is too lame to produce yet. But alas I think Vern was right. The franchise was already wounded, and they could only do so much when fucked in a corner like that. Back row and to the left. But I agree with others that you could literally cut Flint out of the movie and nothing would change. He has no character or character traits to speak of, except he has the power of PARKOUR. They could have thrown Flint some kind of bone while they were at it. Because everybody wants to rule the world! But again, why not more of that? He gets a lifetime pass for that. Another dropped ball: no Cobra uniforms. We want navy-blue penis helmets, uncomfortable-looking leggings, and big red chest icons so our heroes know where to shoot. But yeah, I had a lot of fun. FAnd I still have hope. Dranchises are like glaciers nowadays: They move slow but sometimes they actually get where they need to be. You know, that good shit. Oh, and Ryan Reynolds as Shipwreck. He needs a franchise to call home, this franchise needs some reliable comic relief. Hollywood seems determined to do something with Reynolds, despite the free market explicitly stating otherwise, and this is the best use of him I can come up with. JOE film is the reason somebody will eventually invent a time machine. Michael Dudikoff as Duke, Sho Kosugi as Snake Eyes, Chuck Norris as General Hawk, Frank Langella as Destro, that chick from NINJA III as the Baroness, Cynthia Rothrock as Scarlet, that bug-eyed fuck from INVASION U. A as Zartan, Brad Dourif as Cobra Commander, Steve James as Roadblock, Charles Bronson as the President. Any film with a cast of The Rock, Bruce Wills, Channing Tatum, Byun-Hun Lee, The RZA, Ray Stevenson, and ninjas it should be more fun than RETALIATION is. PS: Vern I love the new action comprehensibility rating system. Not love, but like. What worked for me were the little touches other people noticed. Also, I liked the Cobra master plan: make the world powers use up all their nukes, and then rule them using your own catastrophic, space-based weapons system. Pretty simple, when you think about it, and a lot more plausible than nanobugs really, these rod-based weapons are still allowed under current national law. Like Vern said, the Joes spend way too much time trying to figure out why they were betrayed. Snake Eyes should have gotten more to do. They spend most of the movie waiting for their SUPER-WEAPON to be completed. Still, the villains are much more interesting that the heroes. The nuclear disarmament scene is the funniest part of the movie. I had the most fun with the ninja stuff. So far Cobra has managed to take out the capitols of France and England without anybody really giving much of a shit at all. Maybe Dudikoff becomes governor of California. The average joe on the street probably thought he did direct it anyway, the same way everyone thinks he directed Con Air. The thing that hurt it was the toy tie-in, I mean, it looked moronic even though I actually really dug the movie. But I do believe if the exact same movie came out minus the tie-in and was just billed as an Independence Day-type alien action movie, it would have made more money. Especially if it was called Aliens vs. According to the last movie he was just a lowly doctor, and only became the leader roughly 30 seconds before getting captured. THE ISLAND was before the giant robots made that possible. Then again, THE AVENGERS. Would even he contend with that juggernaut? I was refering to some of the hyperbole made by some folks which can really make your eyes roll. Then again, Internet going hyperbolic is to be a given and I should know better. Have I not explained on this forum before how BATMAN AND ROBIN is the movie America demanded, and then turned on? Then he came out with BATMAN RETURNS and everyone hated it. They complained it was too dark, and the Penguin was gross. So then they had Joel Schumacher make BATMAN FOREVER and everyone loved it. It was light and colorful and funny and this is the way we want BATMAN. So then Joel Schumacher did it again and went a little crazier with it, and everyone hated it. How dare you make Batman so silly and sexual and we hate you and this is the worst movie ever. America asked for BATMAN AND ROBIN. I managed to go from Spider-Man to Batman in the G. Really none of these movies exist in a vacuum. RRA, I do detect some hostility in your posts. I think there was some pretty analytical non-dismissive writing about ASM last summer so fair is fair. CJ Holden — I also want Mike Tyson to finally get his day and become a G. He can take his boxing gloves into battle. Speaking of Micronauts, the guys hired to write the movie say its going to be pretty different from the comics and something new. They were the same ones I believe who wrote that R-rated Deadpool script that Ryan Reynolds has been pimping in public lately to get produced, because he realizes his 15 minutes are just about up. If he was busy my runner up would be Joseph Zito THE PROWLER, MISSING IN ACTION, RED SCOPRION , or I bet you could get a young Renny Harlin on the cheap back then. Sorry, this has nothing to do with GI Joe. And I kind of agree with him. Did you read about that origin story that was cut from ASM? I think it explains a lot. Everybody turned on it, even though they just gave people more of what they thought they wanted. The average joe on the street probably thought he did direct it anyway, the same way everyone thinks he directed Con Air. Who the fuck IS Simon West, anyway? I was refering to some of the hyperbole made by some folks which can really make your eyes roll. Then again, Internet going hyperbolic is to be a given and I should know better. I know those videos are old, but come one, talk about missed opportunities! I thought it was ok, a decent timekiller if nothing more. Just baffled by the sincere hostility against it like it was GREEN LANTERN or something. Just odd from my perspective. And Ridley Scott is directing a new Moses movie with Batman. Do I really need the Exodus story again? In the end, how will they tell a story? How well will they tell it? I can accept more than one Hamlet, more than one NRA President drowning the Egyptians. Its why I laugh whenever people bitch about a new sequel or remake or whatever. CrustaceanHate, interesting comparison to TRANSFORMERS 2. I see it a little differently. I feel TRANSFORMERS 2 is the Transformers movie Bay wanted to make all along, while TRANSFORMERS 1 was the Transformers movie he made for Spielberg. Only people who liked 1 felt something was missing. REVENGE OF THE FALLEN has actually grown on me, probably only thanks to how much I hate DARK OF THE MOON. And I love the first one. All this to say G. But I was really worried at first. Absolutely everything about their dynamic made it seem like The Rock was in charge. When it cut to the credits I seriously thought they skipped a reel and cut out an entire action scene. But I can relate something that happened to me today that really pissed me off? Consider that JURASSIC PARK is coming back to theaters this weekend, which in my book is terrrific popcorn. A classic summer blockbuster. But JURASSIC PARK is one of many popcorn movies that I do expect in my popcorn fare. So what do I know, right? Slaughter claims he originally was supposed to play the Bruce Willis part, but a toy company dispute prevented it. What a tough decision. So I had no real expectations going in and it exceeded them. Sure a lot of it made no sense and it often felt like a disjointed movie that was structurally all over the place due to endless rewrites and lack of real vision. But one thing I give it credit for is that it at least tried to strive towards capturing the spirit of G. A team of soldiers going up against Cobra through a series of imaginative obstacles like in the cartoon. It was pretty unapologetic about presenting that too. Even had cool quirks like Cobra flags being erected at the white house and other charmingly cartoony stuff like Cobra Commander POV shots and fireflys flying explosives. There were many scenarios that reminded me of the type of stuff I would come up with using my imagination and my G. From fighting ninjas while scaling mountains to the elaborate Cobra Commander breakout. It never let up in delivering action and blatant scene chewing villainy. JOE than the movie TRANSFORMERS did with the toy property it adapted. In that sense I consider it a greater success. The story, btw, is that 5 of the Joes get framed for a crime, go on the run, and every episode stop to help new people while unraveling a conspiracy involving evil corporation COBRA and staying one step ahead of military cop Flint doing his best Tommy Lee Jones. That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.
