51. I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
52. I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.
But when I got home, the signs were all there.
53.Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
54. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.
55. What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?
“Put it on my bill.”
56. George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”
DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”
McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”
57. A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey!”
The horse replies, “Sure.”
58. I googled “Rorshach test.”
But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
59. What do we want?
Low-flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
Nnnnneeeeeeeeeeoooooooooow!
60. I tried to win a suntanning competition.
But all I got was bronze.
61. How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?
Approximately 1 GB.
62. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be bagels.
63. What do you call malware on a Kindle?
A bookworm.
64. Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.
65. Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they’re all shellfish.
66. What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.
67. How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
68. What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky.
69. I started a new job as a tailor last week.
It’s been sew-sew.
70. What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
71. What kind of shoes does a spy wear?
Sneakers.
72. I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.
73. And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
74. What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
75. My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.
I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.
76. Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.
I still don’t know how I feel about that.
77. A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”
78. I tried to catch fog yesterday.
Mist.
79. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
80. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
You have my Word.
81. What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter, it’s not going to come anyway.
82. You know what they say about cliffhangers…
83. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
84. A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
85. I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.
I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.
86. The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”
And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”
That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
87. Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?
He always had his head stuck in the clouds.
88. Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
89. Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?
No matter what time of year, it always becomes spring time.
90. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
91. What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
92.Where do snowmen keep their savings?
In the snowbank.
93. What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?
A roamin’ Catholic.
94. Did you hear about the carrot detective?
He always got to the root of every case.
95. What washes up on very small beaches?
Micro-waves
96. What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I’m coming down with something.
97. What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?
The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
98. What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.
99. Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
100. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine.
101. Why won’t skeletons fight each other?
They just don’t have the guts.
