Had an affair, fell in love, both of us married. He ended affair good call , but it took me two yrs to get over him. During that time I found reasons to email, just being friendly. I thought I'd be satisfied just being friends, better than losing him completely, right? We can never be close as before and we are married, and everytime I hear from him it takes me back. Now I feel almost like I'm square one, not quite as bad but enough to distract me. I wrote back, everything was friendly and he wrote again quickly after, I didn't respond the second time. Do I just ignore him or be honest with him, that I can't be friends because it still stirs up old feelings? What do I say? How do I say it without sounding like I'm condeming him? Do I just ignore him or be honest with him, that I can't be friends because it still stirs up old feelings? They're both negative, but ignoring would probably be worse because he won't know why you'd be doing it. If you're sure about not talking to him, then you could let him know that talking to him reminds you of what it was like before, and that should explain what you're saying. That sounds SO familiar to me! I truly love her and her children! We have been on and off, on and off... I don't want to lose her completely! By the way, we work together. It is VERY VERY difficult being just friends after sharing so much together. I would say this: HONESTY is the best policy. Be honest with him, and be honest with yourself. This is only fair to both of you. Tell him that it is just too hard being just friends and it stirs up old feelings. There is a good chance that he feels the same way deep down, although he may not want to admit it. Also, pray a lot! It CAN change things. Best of luck to you! You are more than welcome. Your situation can be VERY tough. I have found that it really helps me to discuss my situation with others who have had similar experiences through this website. I will NEVER, EVER have an affair again! The memories of my affair and everything surrounding it are very painful. But I always try to remember that I am the one to blame. I had an affair with a married man that lasted for 12 years, I am married as well but separated in November he ended it, he just stopped calling, emailing, when I called him, emailed him, trying to get an explanation even closure he ignored me, he did eventually contact me telling me that it was the best to just end it, which deep in my heart I agreed, it was hard loving him and knowing that we will never be together he never made any false promises to me , what hurts me the most is how he ended it. I am trying so hard to get over this, I cant sleep, I cry every day, I pray, and this is still hanging over my head. I feel hurt, pain, anger. I even thought about telling his wife, but I dont want to cause any pain for him nor her, I just want my pain to end. If suggestions or advice? I really agree that to seek revenge on the man via his wife because of his wrong to us would only warrant revenge to come upon us for our wrong. We were both wrong let's face it. God saw us both and despite his reasons or mine, we both played the game. I know it's a killer-the pain and anguish and especially if it's been that long! You don't walk 100 miles into the desert and get back to the Promise Land overnight. And I know about the scorching heat and dry burning death trying to get back. We Do Learn from our life ventures the simple truth that sin causes... The healing begins right at the point of our deepest inward True Surrender. It's out of the dying that new Life is born. Im on the same boat. We are both married with no intentions of leaving our spouses for each other. Ive been married 16 yrs his been married 2 yrs. Ive known him all my life but never made nothing out of it. We have been seeing each other 3 yrs now on and off. Recently i decided i was over the bs he put me threw and wemt MIA for a while. He was texting and calling. So we meet up to talk and he said he misses me and wants to work it out. He is willing to spend more time with me. He really didnt convince me at all because he never said sorry. I asked for some time to think and recently contacted him and told him that ive felt used all this time and i feel he will contuniue to use me and ended it with an i love you.... He replied upset you know what just forget it take care. Does it ever end on a good note? Same thing as most of you just a tiny bit different I am a military spouse and he is active duty different branches. We were together a total of four years. I moved out, he was already separated and lived on his own but then I lost my job and moved back with the ex. I never felt that he wanted to take on my baggage of younger kids. I thought I had cleared my mind of him and it just keeps bothering me. I wanted nothing more then to stay.. I have regrets on things I felt I couldnt say because we were still legally married and now wish he would call. I have cried, had bad dreams, and miss him terribly. I would give anything to have done it the right way and been divorced when we met.. It was strong and heavy for about a year;my conscious starting to get the best of me, so I started the breakup back and forth. He discontinued all contact for about 9 months,then messaged me. We meet up; we had no sexual contact up until last year. Now he calls sometimes, may text here and there. He left his wife about 2 years now, I'm still with my husband but is so in Love with him. I know it is wrong and deceitful but I keep let him go and truly want to. Will it ever end. They either end up back with the spouse or with someone totally new that never was in the picture. One good answer to that relates to how this affair we call a great love is in reality a huge addiction or infatuation. Your feelings or mine may convince us it's really love but there are an excess of indicators and outcomes in affairs that reveal it is something else. Another very common outcome is that after the storm really does blow over, people very often never want to see this person they thought they were desperately in love with again, because after enough time the reality comes clear and only then do we experience and realize the destruction this person and I created and would always create because our relationship was born and built on things and in ways that never were right or real in reality. It may seem desperately sad today but most always even that sadness is gone completely when reality finally comes to our senses, and that usually happens only after alot of long time sufferring through all the stages that are common with most all. I like your answer Kimberly, as a former therapist of 10 years I have come to the conclusion that MOST not ALL but most women are not capable of having affairs without attaching emotions to it. In regards to what you said Kimberly I used to tell women that part of the reasons that these affairs seem so magical is because their not faced with the stresses that real relationships have. Hey I like the way you found to try to get the idea across Jeff about how affairs, for women atleast, exist more in an emotional idealism that in the real world of day to day realities. It's one challenge to try to help people to see and realize things they do not feel or see today but first to find ways to say things that they can relate to and grab onto. A PhD described it once to me this way, men will have sex because... So yes I agree with the Doc and you, that women respond more in life out of an emotional-mind while men naturally and more easily separate objective reality from their emotions. I also have an affair and still not being able to return to my normal self. We both have long term relationships and we live miles apart. After spending months chatting we managed to meet twice. It was the most exciting, sexiest experience ever. I felt alive again, wanted and desired, feelings long time forgotten. I only wanted a sex thing but he started falling in love with me and started sending love letters, songs, the most romantic things I've ever gotten from someone. And I fell too... It's been 2 months after we met. Now it's come to the point that we can only exchange emails. And I sense like he has moved on, from the things he says, not sending 'loves' 'missing', or love songs anymore, but I am heartbroken, in pain.... And I feel left out, I need the contact again but I guess the person who wrote that doesn't exist anymore. And I know how chemistry is working in my brain, I know this is an addiction. So I have to stop this, because I can't stand it anymore. This little contact, the waiting, is killing me slowly. So it's either all or nothing. And I know it's never going to be 'all', so it has to be nothing. I need to cut this, one way or another. Let me tell you as a former therapist that used to work with couples about this very thing and I can tell you more times than not that the man is not in love with you even though he's telling you he is. I know I'll catch heat for saying this but women were not made for cheating with sex only, almost every woman I've talked to who's had an affair on their husband almost always let their emotions get involved causing them to make a decision that they regretted later once the newness of the affair wears off. Not all but most men are capable of having sex purely for sex sake and don't for the most part let their emotions get involved. It's brain chemistry people and for the most part theres nothing we can do about that. Thank you very much for your answer. I know what you mean. Yes, at first I didn't have feelings and everything was much easier. Even though I know this man fell for me thousands of indicators, the romance, love letters... We are having less contact each time though he doesn't end the relationship. I guess he wants to keep his doors open just in case we meet again. It's useful and somehow relieving in a weird way to be able to notice what's going on in my brain. I realized that I am currently coping with the symptoms of withdrawal, anxiety, stress and depression, and that I have to stop this 'addiction'. The problem is that I can't seem to move on. How do I move on? After all he is also a friend, I don't want to be hard on him, but I need to be myself again. Senzafine, I agree with Teiah54 you need to work on yourself and even though your friends you may need to cut him out of your life for awhile. It might seem like a harsh thing to do but you need to spend more time on making yourself better and get back to making your family the center of your attention. Teiah54- to answer your question and I don't want to imply that this is the way it is for all men just most, most men don't equate emotions with sex at all UNLESS it's with their spouse or someone they love or are falling in love with. With men who have had a affair it was more of an opportunity that was presented to them and they took it. Most of the husbands I have talked to over the years said they would tell the girl whatever they had to keep the sex going but never seriously considered leaving their spouses. Thank you so much both. You're completely right and that's what I'm doing now, focus on myself. In fact I've been feeling better the past few days, less depressive. However he emailed me again it's been a while, never were so long without contact. He's having some problems in his life. But he said he loves me but he is sorry that it doesn't show.... And also that I should remember that there is 'someone' always thinking about me. And I thought: well if you really did, IT would show... The good thing about this is that this time I didn't feel anything, when I would have been crying or depressed after reading this. So I guess it's true: time does heal. I'm not sure what to do next. I might send a farewell for now message, I don't know. I never thought I would fall like this for anyone but this is actually helping. Just remember to stay strong and don't let him reel you back in with little email comments and stuff, the reason he keeps making them is because he wants to make sure your always there for him when he wants you. If he's having problems then he needs to deal with them on his own and stop complicating your life with his mess. Your 1 focus should be to make your husband and children your primary focus. I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family.
