Every romantic relationship goes through good times and not so good times. Even if you're arguing about who stained the sofa, it's not the end of the world. However, certain patterns of behaviour can weaken a relationship over time.
The psychology literature is replete with examples of such behaviours, including avoiding new experiences, not being honest about money, or even texting too often. Identifying one or more of these patterns in your relationship does not necessarily mean that you are on the verge of breaking up, but it is something you should discuss with your partner as soon as possible.
Take this opportunity to take a step back and see what you can do not only to fix it, but also to strengthen your bond as a couple. Here are 11 obstacles that can ruin your relationship forever.
- Distancing yourself from your partner
A study conducted in 2016 and published in the journal Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice found that there is a deadly combination of traits that predict dissatisfaction in relationships: sensitivity to rejection and the tendency to cut off partners emotionally.
People who are afraid of being hurt may distance themselves from their partners, which ultimately affects the relationship in a negative way. In other words, they effectively create what they fear. If this resonates with you, try talking to your partner about your fears. You may be surprised to find out that you share some of these concerns, and that you can work together to overcome them.
- Closing yourself off to new experiences
More and more research suggests that couples who try new things together are happier in their relationship. The opposite may also be true: Clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone says that when you stop being open to developing new shared interests, it can damage the relationship and create resentment between partners.
So take up your partner's offer to try a new restaurant or go on a hike instead of going to the movies, at least once in a while.
- Hiding your finances
In a 2018 survey by the National Endowment for Financial Education, 44% of adults said they had lied to their partner about money (financial infidelity), which can lead to fights, mistrust and, in some cases, divorce.
The problem is that money is not just about numbers - it can symbolise power and love. So insecurity about what your partner does with their money means insecurity about the relationship in general. Before you decide to combine (or even partially combine) your finances with your partner, it is vitally important to have a budget conversation.
- Not talking to your partner
A 2014 study published in the journal Communication Monographs suggests that couples who follow the "demand/withdrawal" pattern, i.e. one partner pressures the other and receives silence in return, are less happy in their relationships.
The study's lead author, Paul Schrodt of Texas Christian University, says this is a difficult pattern to break because each partner thinks the other is the cause of the problem.
- Forming a "fantasy bond"
Psychologist Robert Firestone coined the term "fantasy bonding", which describes the illusion of connection with your partner. In this situation, you replace real feelings of love and passion with the idea of being a couple, or a unit.
Emotional closeness is often replaced by adherence to routines. The real danger, according to Firestone's daughter Lisa Firestone, is that you begin to lose your individuality in your attempt to find security in the relationship.
- Resolving difficult issues by text message
A 2013 study published in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy found that while women tend to be happier in relationships the more messages they send, the opposite is true for men.
The study's lead author, Lori Cluff Schade, says that for men, texting can be a way of distancing themselves from the relationship.
In some situations, texting may not be the best alternative for either partner. The study's author advises couples to consider having these conversations in person.
- The "kitchen thought"
This term refers to when you and your partner are fighting and at that moment you remember something he or she has done to you in the past that has no bearing on the current argument.
Psychologist Douglas LaBier shares an example in Psychology Today: You are arguing about your holiday plans and suddenly you start talking about that ugly chair your partner recently bought.
- Showing contempt for your partner
Couples who show contempt are more likely to break up. According to relationship expert John Gottman, contempt, a mixture of anger and disgust that involves seeing your partner as inferior, is the clearest sign that divorce is near.
This is because it makes it difficult to see things from your partner's perspective. The first step to solving this problem is to cultivate appreciation and respect for both partners and find a more positive way to express your feelings.
- Bad-mouthing your partner to others
A 2017 study of heterosexual married couples published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that "social sabotage" is a form of aggression that can affect relationships. As psychologist Susan Krauss Whitbourne writes in Psychology Today, social sabotage involves behaviours such as sharing private information, as well as attempting to embarrass your partner in public.
Interestingly, while women are more likely to engage in emotional sabotage according to the study, men's use of social sabotage is often more damaging to the relationship.
- Breaking up for the wrong reasons
According to marriage therapist Linda Carroll, breaking up takes a lot of emotional and mental energy. Deciding whether or not to break up is often the hardest part.
- Believe that "happily ever after"
Life is nothing like "Cinderella," and there is no such thing as Prince Charming. Yes, marriage is about being in love, but it's also about working hard. According to several studies, couples who don't believe in perfect love tend to be happier in the long run.
