Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog. You can read about me , peruse the archives and read popular posts. You can also follow along on and. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. I am 30 years old, relatively successful in my current career track, intelligent, attractive, easy to talk to, and very friendly. I seem to be able to get along with absolutely everybody and make others feel at ease. To the best of my knowledge, no guy has ever been attracted to me. None of my girl friends believe me when I inform them of this fact. Why would I lie about being such a loser in love? Is it time to join a convent? And why are you so convinced no guy has ever been attracted to you? How can you possibly know the thoughts of every guy who has ever laid eyes on you? Relationship dysmorphic disorder is, as I define it, a psychological disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her ability to attract a mate and sustain a relationship. So, how can you treat RDD? Was there verbal abuse in your past? Were you criticized a lot as a child? Do you suffer from social anxiety? Surely, you have a dear friend who has been privy to your relationship woes. What does she think is the issue? Did you strike up an email correspondence with anyone? Was there anyone you found attractive or interesting? Were you proactive in reaching out to those people or did you passively wait to be contacted? Did you cast a wide enough net, or were you limiting your search to handsome 33-year-old MDs with Doberman Pinschers? It is statistically unlikely in the extreme that no man has ever been attracted to her, but I am interested in the fact that she has never been on a date. Maybe guys have asked her out before without her realizing they were expressing sexual interest? It just seems unlikely that a woman would go thirty years without being hit on, so I am inclined to think a lot of this is in her head. When I was younger, I was very hard on myself and had body image issues and therefore thought that no guys were interested in me. The other side is that she may be extremely picky. When I was in high school, the idea of anyone dating me was a joke. I was fat, unstylish, nerdy and unpopular. As I matured I found friends, but not dates. Not being either lesbian or bisexual, the odds of dating did not improve. I am however, unique among my straight college friends in that I was never once hit on by a woman. I then went on to graduate school in science. By then I was fat again and spent all my time in the lab. It was about this time that I realized I was not in fact oblivious to flirting, because I realized it was happening to people all around me in my presence, just not to me. It was rather like high school all over again, but without the put downs. Somehow I have managed to go from the Land of Singles to the Land of Married without ever passing through the Dating Lands. I could blame it on shallow men and shallow women? None of it has ever made a difference. He was actively looking for a place to sleep. Hollywood likes to tell us that the shy wall flower or the wimpy nerdy guy gets out of high school and becomes a vixen or a hunk or at least reaches a reasonable level of attractiveness and finds a companion. Some people get over the dating barrier, other people find hobbies and adopt cats. I think you could benefit from some therapy, like Wendy told the LW. No one deserves to feel unwanted. Please, please find a professional to help you work through this. Alli, you definitely need a big jolt of confidence. No one deserves to go through life thinking all of those negative things about themself! Who cares if you once had bad teeth, or you were overweight? There are PLENTY of people out there with those same qualities and WORSE, I know! And there are plenty of guys who would like that reflection, too. Guys are very tuned-in to confidence, and if you have none, and if you dislike yourself as much as you seem to, how in the world can THEY like and love you? It may sound tired, but people will love you if you love yourself first. I know too many bitter people who, even having had a dating life, however small, found it got them exactly nowhere. At some point you have to throw in the towel and find something else to do. But being self-sufficient, confident, independent, somewhat thinner and somewhat better dressed is not going to change my dating prospects. It never has before, and it never will. My goal in life is finding something else to judge my self worth on and find some other route to happiness and fulfillment, because dating has never been an option. IT NEVER HAS BEFORE AND IT NEVER WILL. And your fatalistic approach to the future is simply ridiculous. I think the best thing you said was that you need to find other roads to happiness and fulfillment. I honestly wish you success with that… because once you find that, I think you might just be surprised at what else you find — thus proving the point that attitude IS everything. I like to make people feel good about themselves, not tear them down. They are wired to be positive against all facts and all odds and in the face of all reality. I grew up overweight, did some fluctuating throughout college, lost some, gained some, changed my hair, my clothes and my makeup. At the time, I felt pretty good about myself. I was a little on the shy side, but I had plenty of friends. I had pretty much resigned myself to a life of singleness and was pretty ok with it. I had a few really rough life experiences that launched me into a bout of pretty bad anxiety and depression. During that year, everything in my life was difficult, from just getting in a car, to going out with friends. When I finally emerged from this episode, I had a completely new perspective on life. All of the little things that people take for granted I was thrilled with! Just feeling good enough to go out with friends on a friday night was enough to make me giddy. I lost 30 lbs and actually became the completely healthy sized person that I assumed I never would be like I said, I was pretty ok with being 170 lbs, I was overweight but not huge or anything. I also started to embrace life more. I start looking at socializing completely differently. I stopped going out at night hoping to meet men, and started just going to have fun. I started viewing all of these interactions as a way to enrich my life. Meeting new people was like a fun new game that I had never even known existed before. I may not have been unhappy with myself, but I certainly never thought I was sexy. People just seemed to believe whatever I thought in my head about myself. Now I look at every person I meet as a possible new friend. When I started loving life, men started flocking to me. It seems that all they really want is to be around someone that is having fun and enjoying themselves, no matter what the circumstances. The change that took place in me was very subtle, but it made all the difference when in came to relationships. Mine happened to me when I was too busy enjoying myself and playing this new socializing game to even notice the new attention I was getting. I have friends, a decent job, interests, etc. It is what it is, and the options are a get over it or b sit around and bemoan your lack of coupling. But I do believe your experience to be accurate. There are other things to do with your life besides define it by your significant other. How can you possibly know the thoughts of every guy who has ever laid eyes on you? I can FEEL the waves of negativity emanating from your post. Every negative thing about yourself that you described was physical in nature. Where is your personality? But bottom line, you have to lose the attitude. Besides the fact that so much negativity can manifest itself in various physical ways, it does you absolutely NO good — people are intuitive and they can sense when someone has no confidence. Given that, are things helpless? Not even given that. First, as others have recommended, exercise. Exercise is always a good thing. It builds confidence, it improves body image, it make you feel better physically and mentally. Second, figure out a good target weight — or more properly, a good target size, and get there. Your body is changeable, and you can reach the size you want. Again, you know this. Third, make sure your attire suits you. This also builds confidence and, aside from some cost which can be minimal, it has no downside. You cannot possibly exercise, get into a good shape and weight, dress well, and not feel at least better. Next, if you truly are just screwed geneticall
