I felt really good this morning. I don't know if it's the Power 90, the music I've been listening to, or what. but i felt really good. i hope it stays through the afternoon. i hope i play well tonight. i haven't felt that rush of ability and stamina in a long time. i really love it. i love just gliding through my motions and having unlimited speed and energy. the problem is i've been thinking about trying to get there. it doesn't work that way.
i don't want to be home that badly, but i do. wierd, huh? she is just devastated by the asperger's thing. you can't even talk about it without her crying. it's driving me nuts. i work in this pit all day with two-faced people who pretend they're my friends, and then i go home to sadness, pouting, and crying. it makes for very long evenings. he'll be fine. yes, he may be teased; but tell me one kid who went through life without that happening. he well just take some extra work and patience.
what i really want is God in my heart and to change because of it. just listening to the right music makes me feel so much lighter that it's not even funny. i want to serve Him the right way all the time - not just when i feel like it. the small tastes of His peace and deliverance were undescribably freeing. yet for some reason, i always fall back into my own self-defeating behaviors. last night i was so angry at her - so ready to just let every feeling and every word jammed inside of me to just erupt onto her - that i couldn't hardly stand it. i watched tv for a while, and then it was gone. the anger, the frustration, the bitterness was simply gone. i know He touched me and relieved me. i felt physically lighter. it was wonderful. i hope the peace stays and i hope i allow myself to feel it and praise Him.
POSTED BY LANTERN AT 11:21 AM
THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 2003
down. straight down. i feel like a glob of jell-o slowly dissolving in the sun, staining and moistening everything it comes in contact with. soon, i think i'll dry up and leave only a few colorful stains from where i used to be. i put myself in this whole situation. God is ready to hold me and confort me and tell me everything is okay. but i just stay in the shadows of His light. i, for some reason, think it's fun to walk on the edge. i believe i can do it myself. i'm a maverick. a six-gun, a bad attitude, a and a deep hat make me think i can do everything myself. so foolish. i can see how dumb i am, yet i can't stop myself. there's just no way to describe this feeling. it's mud caked in every pore. it's glue drying in all my joints. and it's motor oil sloshing slowing around in the lobes of my brain. i can't see any light unless i'm high on caffeine (sp?). yet He stays - hands extended; waiting to help. He watches me thrash in my sin and pain like a fish floundering in a tiny puddle of thick, stagnant water. All i have to do is grab it and accept Him and His help. i'm so stubborn and foolish. Help me Lord, please. Help me to see past my pain and selfishness and lust. thank you.
POSTED BY LANTERN AT 11:44 AM
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15, 2003
The drums of doom are rumbling. i can feel them pounding in my head. sometimes it's distant, sometimes it's right inside my ear jarring and shattering any feeling of calmness that i have. the walls and enemies are closing in around me. they're silent, and they creep lightly, but they're there. the funny part is, they're smiling big, friendly smiles and wearing bright, noticeable colors thinking they're well camoflauged. yet, i continue to be a sissy. i lay in the grass like a lonely dog; my legs are in the air, my bushy tail wagging, and my tounge lolls to the side. i just can't find it in me to be mean or confrontational. i know the day is coming soon. i have practiced my speeches and reactions. i have practiced my surprise, my hurt, and my anger. the river of hate runs deep in me, and i think it's slowly killing me. there's no one to tell who would understand or be able to do anything about it. i'm stuck. the bed is made. the bugs are crawling and pinching and biting me, but i have to lie here in the filth i created. will i be able to use the words and actions i want to? a large portion of me says no. you're too much of a wimp and too diplomatic. keep the peace. be nice. you know they'll use their smooth tounges, fancy words, and calming smiles to gloss things over. it'll work too - on the outside. but i know the fire will only be stoked higher on the inside. my insides will char; another piece of me will die with my inability to get it out. and then i'll have to act like everything is okay. "golly, i'm glad you didn't tell me you thought there was a problem with my son!" i'll have to smile and say. "gosh, you guys really care for me and think i'm a pretty smart guy!" Fuck you all. plain and simple. fuck you. i may have made my own bed of filth and hate and waste, but i always drop what I'm doing and come running to help anytime anyone of you come running and whining. i realize i'm not the smartest of the best teacher, but i jump through every fucking hoop you dangle in front of my degradeable and gullable little face. fuck you. how will I do? i'm sure i'm only going to end up hating myself and all of you camoflouged pretenders even more.
POSTED BY LANTERN AT 12:53 PM
TUESDAY, JANUARY 07, 2003
i'm heartless. i'm empty. that's all there is to it. i'm a dark, cold cave where you can hear the individual drips of water PLOINK, PLOINK, PLOINKing into water. there's nothing inside of me. the pain i carry as my friend is a vacuum. it sucks all life, joy, enthusiasm, and interest from me. i just want to sleep and dream pleasant dreams of my children growing up to be active, healthy, happy, and successful. the only problem is i'm stuck in the now and the past. i never can visualize the future. i don't know where i want to go or how to do it. i just want to stop feeling like this. i want to be with my kids all the time and play basketball when i'm not. utopia - an unreachable place of happiness. there is no fear, no lethargy, no committments, no needs, no darkness, and no pain. Sounds good doesn't it. the problem is again, my eyes are always on this unreachable, unrealistic zone of happiness while the world passes me by like a warm silent breeze in the summer evening. it's gone, and then i'm behind the eight-ball again wishing i would have kept my eyes, focus, and hopes on what i could have attained with the right perspective instead of fantasy land. i want my kids to be happy and all that, but i hate to do the things i need to do to allow them to accomplish it. i hate giving of myself for selfish reasons. i want people to want to give back because i've given to them. i feel like i give of myself a lot. a whole lot. it's very rare for me to feel like someone wants to give back to me. what would it take? who knows. perhaps it's another fairty-tail thing. nothing would every really make me happy. i'm stuck in a rut. fuck
POSTED BY LANTERN AT 2:59 PM
Okay, heres the story. they think erik has some kind of autism. asperger's. he is different. he likes to be alone - long story short, he has a lot of the symptoms. that's not the issue. the issue is they have known for some time. since at least october. a lot of them. heather, cheryl, ian, laura, janelle, becky, and God knows who else. joy has told them not to say anything - why? what is there to gain by not telling me anything? why do these people who walk around pretending to be my friends not tell me? it tells me who to trust and who not to. who to trust - angi and no one else. who not to trust - everyone but angi. number one, i am his parent. I have the right to know. number two, these people walk around pretending like i'm their friend. I can see them treating me differently. i wondereded why people were suddenly buddy-buddy with me. i drop everything i'm doing every time they need help. every time. now they think they know what's best for my child? i know i'm not that great of a teacher, but i deserve better than this. i'm hurt, angry, paranoid, and enraged. but doing anything stupid would only confirm what they already think of me. i need to really think about how to react when they finally get around to telling me. soon...
POSTED BY LANTERN AT 11:29 AM
THURSDAY, AUGUST 22, 2002
fuck. what is it about school? what is it about that place that just drags me down in the muck? why don't they talk to me? why don't they include me? i like to be left alone, but then again, i don't like to be made a total outcast. i feel so damn worthless. i can't teach. i don't like the kids. don't like them at all. i can see what they're going to grow up to be like. i hate it. i have no one to share my successes or failures with. i should say no one i want to share anything with. they're all so concerned with themselves. just like me. but i don't go offereing it to anyone who wanders by. probably why i'm so fucked up again. hate hate hate. that's all i feel raging through me. why why why? why can't i be wanted? why do i protect and own this ball of pain that hides in me and spreads it tentacles like a slow moving root in a rich and fertile underground soil? i can't quit. i have to feed my babies. they're all that get me through the day. i can't depend on my wife for anything. i hate to say it. i really do. she can't stick to anything. anything. not for more than one week. she has no willpower. no control over her need for food, sleep, and comfort. she's like the rest of them - it's all about her. i can't bring my pain to her. she always turns it around so that it's my fault. a lot of times it is, but she never takes any responsibility for anything. she is not giving of her feelings to me. she has no passion. i want passion so much. i want to be wanted so so so badly. just to be made to feel like i'm attractive or desireable. but like i said, it's all about her and the kids. there's no room for me. i'm an oil change. a necessary evil to feed, clothe, and take care of her and her babies. at one time i believe she wanted me - or should i say wanted what i could give her. kids. she wanted kids and her fucking storybook wedding. well, she got them, and then realized i wasn't all the glitz looked like it was going to be. i warned her i was selfish. i warned her. but i gave because i loved her and because i thought she would want to give some of that back. but as soon as the kids came, that was over. now she's a mother 24/7. she can sense when i need it. then it's time for the oil change. have to keep things running smoothly - i might go to another dealership. well, i'm in way over my head now, and i'm paying for it. but some day i'll be gone. some day soon. then they'll be sorry - for a little while. then i'll just be this disappointing memory of what could have been and what should have been. if i just would have followed the program. but no, lust has long, viscious, stinging claws that worm their way into your brain and make everything seem to be against you. so that's where i am again. blaming everyone else for things that i've created for myself. i have moments of clarity when i realize everything is my fault. and it is. it totally is. i want my cake and everything that goes with it. i like burger king; i can have it my way. i'm always so willing to follow everyone else's program. so when is someone going to get on board with mine and want to please me? when? i'm driving myself nuts again. fuck.
