1. A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".
2. A woman called her doctor to complain about her husband's snoring.
"Is there anything you can do?" she said,"Well, there is one operation
that will cure your husband, but it's rather expensive.
$1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months."
"OH MY GOSH!!!!" exclaimed the woman, "that's like leasing a sports car!"
"Hmm," the doctor murmured. "Too obvious, eh?".
3. ben's dad was building a pine bookcase, and ben was watching and occasionally helping.
"what are the holes for?" ben asked.
"they're knot holes", said his dad.
"what are they, then, if they're not holes?" said ben.
4. Where do geologists go for entertainment?
to rock concerts.
5. why is a classroom like an old car?
cuz it full of nuts, and has a crank at the
front.
6. did you hear about the florist who had
two kids?
one's a budding gunius and the other's
a blooming idiot.
11. whats a snail?
a slug with a crash helmet.
12. what did the dumb ghost name his pet tiger?
spot.
13. how did the police scare the bugs away?
they called for the S.W.A.T. team.
14. what crawls and wears uniforms and helmets?
army ants.
15. why was the firefly flashing on and off?
his light was on the blink.
17. A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were EXTREMLY mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy
made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and
shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed. "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove
into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him
in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!".
18.There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well,
but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water
melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought,
he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day,
the kids show up and they saw the sign which read,
"Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign.
When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons
are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!!!".
19. Q:Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
A:Her computer kept saying she has mail.
20. Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container for 15 minutes?
A: It said "concentrate".
21. Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
22. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breakin em' with hammers.
23. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde driving through a flashing red light.
24. Q: How do you make a blonde go crazy?
A: Tell her to sit in the corner of a circular room!
25. Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
26. Q:What do you call two blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.
27. Q: Why did the blonde put her money in the freezer?
A: She wanted cold hard cash!
28. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champion.
29.Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
A: She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.
30. Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: Because they can't remember the recipe.
