If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
Relationships are like fat people... Most of them don't work out.
I'm in shape... Unfortunately, it's the shape of a potato.
Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Running away doesn't help you with your problems... unless you're fat.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, "Your password is incorrect."
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad.
I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you've got diarrhea is better.
Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 10 years in a row now...
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Saw some footage of polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake, everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company.
If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh?
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to...Unless you're in prison!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved.
Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. When I'm driving, it scares the crap out of me.
Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs.
Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
My wife left me for a Hindu guy. At least he'll treat her better... they worship cows.
If only God can judge us, then Santa has some explaining to do
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
Behind every girl’s selfie are approximately 43 nearly identical photos that just didn’t cut it.
I wish you would eat some makeup so that you’re pretty on the inside too!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks. 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I farted in the Apple store and everyone yelled at me. It's not my fault they don't have Windows!
Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
I just saw an Apple store get robbed... does that make me an iWitness?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on the list.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake an entire relationship!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
In about 20 years, the hardest thing our kids will have to do is find a username that isn't taken.
Boobs are just proof that men can focus on two things at once.
If Apple were to ever make a car... would it have Windows?
Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.
I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin.
Shout out to my fingers, I can always count on them.
I'm a huge fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, "Three Hundred Million Dollars."
I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
If you bring a gun to the pharmacy, you can get drugs without a doctor's prescription.
Say "I won a math debate" really fast.
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.
Girls Fall in love with what they hear, and guys fall in love with what they see. That's why girls wear make up and guys lie!
I named my dog "5 miles", so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person... and that person drinks a lot.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.
I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I guess I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
Husbands and boyfriends are the best people to share secrets with… They'll never tell anyone, because they aren't even listening.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I got 99 problems... but I'm going to take a nap and ignore them all.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading music illegally, I hope they split us up by music genres.
Plastic surgery is the work-out routine for the rich.
Time flies whether or not you're having fun.
