Phillips' Treasury Of Humorous Quotations
by
Bob Phillips
Copyright © 2004 by Bob Phillips. All rights reserved.
Database © 2005, WORDsearch Corp.
ABNORMAL
An abnormal person is anyone who behaves differently from you.
ABORTION
Isn't it funny how everyone in favor of abortion has already been born? —Patrick Murray
ABSENTMINDEDNESS
No man knows what absentmindedness really is until he finds himself dialing his own telephone number.
ABSURDITY
You never know how absurd your own opinion is until you hear somebody else quoting it.
There is no opinion so absurd but that some philosopher will express it. —Cicero
ACCIDENTS
What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence of body.
If most auto accidents happen within five miles of home, why don't we move ten miles away? —Michael Davis
There would be far fewer accidents if we could only teach telephone poles to be more careful.
Most accidents happen at home—maybe we ought to move.
ACCORDIONS
Accordion: an instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. —Ambrose Bierce
ACCOUNTANTS
Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.
ACTING
The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. —George Burns
ACTION
A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. —David Lloyd George
Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down.
As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do. —Andrew Carnegie
ACTIONS
Actions speak louder than words—but not so often.
Actions speak louder than words, and they tell fewer lies.
ACTIVITY
Activity is contagious. —Ralph Waldo Emerson
ACTORS
Never turn your back on an actor; remember, it was an actor who shot Lincoln.
An actor is a man with an infinite capacity for taking praise.
I deny I ever said that actors are cattle. What I said was, "Actors should be treated like cattle." —Alfred Hitchcock
You can pick out the actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves. —Michael Wilding
ACTRESSES
The girl who has half a mind to become an actress doesn't realize that's all it requires.
ADAM
Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him. —Mark Twain
ADAM'S RIB
Adam's rib: the original bone of contention. —Oliver Herford and John Clay
ADOLESCENCE
God's way of making separation with children easier was to invent adolescence. —Mark Patinkin
An adolescent is a teenager who acts like a baby when you don't treat him like an adult.
ADVERSARIES
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. —Mark Twain
ADVERSITY
By trying, we can easily learn to reduce adversity— another man's, I mean. —Mark Twain
Adversity introduces a man to himself.
Adversity makes men wise but not rich. —John Ray
ADVERTISING
The codfish lays ten thousand eggs,
The homely hen lays one.
The codfish never cackles
To tell you what she's done.
And so we scorn the codfish,
While the humble hen we prize,
Which only goes to show you
That it pays to advertise.
ADVICE
Among the many remedies that won't cure a cold, the most common is advice.
The easiest way to escape being hated is to mind your own business and refrain from giving good advice. —W. Burton Baldry
We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves.
We always admire the intelligence of those who ask us for advice.
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.
Advice is seldom welcome, and those who need it the most like it the least. —Lord Chesterfield
If at first you don't succeed, you'll find everyone giving you advice.
Healthy people have one thing in common: They always give advice to the sick.
When a man seeks your advice, he generally wants your praise. —Lord Chesterfield
When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. —Josh Billings
How is it possible to expect mankind to take advice when they will not so much as take warning? —Jonathan Swift
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. —Josh Billings
If you want people to notice your faults, start giving advice. —Kelly Stephens
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. —Aesop
If you want to get rid of somebody, just tell 'em something for their own good. —Frank McKinney Hubbard
AESOP'S FOX
Like Aesop's fox, when he had lost his tail, he would have all his fellow foxes cut off theirs. —Robert Burton
AFFLICTIONS
If afflictions refine some, they consume others. —John Ray
AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES
An after-dinner speech should be like a lady's dress: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to be interesting.
AGE
I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Age is so deceiving. It is amazing how much faster sixty comes after fifty compared to fifty after forty!
When you're over the hill, you pick up speed.
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. —Satchel Paige
I've reached that age when a good day is one when you get up and nothing hurts. —H. Martin
The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to the ages of other women. —Diane de Poitiers
I refuse to admit that I am more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate. —Nancy Astor
Age is like love—it cannot be hid. —Thomas Dekker
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. —Groucho Marx
AGING
The only good thing about [aging] is you're not dead. —Lillian Hellman
The reason mature men look younger than mature women is that a woman of forty is usually fifty.
AGNOSTICS
An agnostic is an irreligious person who stays away from church religiously.
AGREEMENT
Ah, don't say that you agree with me. When people agree with me, I always feel that I must be wrong. —Oscar Wilde
AILMENTS
We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. —Jonathan Swift
ALARM CLOCKS
An alarm clock goes off by going on.
An alarm clock is built with a mechanism to scare the daylights into you.
ALGEBRA
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. —Fran Lebowitz
ALLOWANCES
One of the first things a child learns at school is that some other child is getting a bigger allowance.
ALONE
In Genesis it says that it is not good for a man to be alone, but sometimes it is a great relief. —John Barrymore
AMERICA
America is where a young man can start at the bottom and work his way into a hole. —Wall Street Journal
AMERICANS
An American is a man who is proud of his right to say what he pleases and often wishes he had the courage to do so.
[An Englishman is] a person who does things because they have been done before. [An American is] a person who does things because they haven't been done before. —Mark Twain
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. —Henny Youngman
ANALYSTS
My analyst doesn't understand me. —Mel Calman
ANCESTORS
We pay for the mistakes of our ancestors, and it seems only fair that they should leave us the money to pay with. —Don Marquis
ANGELS
Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since. —Josh Billings
ANGER
Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. —Francis Bacon
Anger begins with madness and ends in regret.
When a man is wrong and won't admit it, he always gets angry. —Thomas Haliburton
The best way to know a man is to watch him when he is angry.—Hebrew proverb
When angry, take a lesson from modern science: Always count down before blasting off.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. —Phyllis Diller
A man's as big as the things that make him mad.
ANIMALS
Animals have these advantages over man: They have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. —Voltaire
Animals are such agreeable friends—they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms. —George Elliot
ANNOYANCES
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. —Fred Allen
You do not swear at your serious troubles. One only swears at trifling annoyances. —G. F. Turner
Don't get annoyed if your neighbor plays his stereo at two o'clock in the morning. Call him at four, and tell him how much you enjoyed it.
ANSWERS
He's been that way for years—a born questioner but he hates answers. —Ring Lardner
ANTAGONISTS
He who wrestles with us strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper. —Edmund Burke
ANTICIPATION
If pleasures are greatest in anticipation, remember that this is also true of trouble. —Elbert Hubbard
ANTS
Which came first—the ant or the picnic?
APARTMENTS
The trouble with modern apartments is that the walls are too thin when you try to sleep and too thick when you try to listen.
APPEASERS
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile—hoping it will eat him last. —Sir Winston Churchill
APPENDIXES
If you still have your appendix at middle age, you're probably a surgeon.
It's not true that the appendix is useless; it has put thousands of surgeon's wives in fine furs.
APPLAUSE
My advice to you concerning applause is this: Enjoy it but never quite believe it. —Robert Montgomery
Applause at the beginning of a speech shows the audience has faith; in the middle, it shows their hope; and at the end, their charity.
AQUARIUMS
There is something about a home aquarium that sets my teeth on edge the moment I see it. Why anyone should want to live with a small container of stagnant water populated by a half-dead guppy is beyond me. —S.J. Perelman
ARCHITECTS
The architect makes an old house look better just by talking about the cost of a new one.
ARGUMENTS
There's only one thing worse than the man who will argue over anything, and that's the man who will argue over nothing.
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue—agree with him. —Ed Howe
There are two sides to every argument, and they're usually married to each other.
When you win an argument with your wife, the argument is not over.
I am bound to furnish my antagonists with arguments, but not with comprehension. —Benjamin Disraeli
They are yet but ear-kissing arguments. —William Shakespeare
ARMOR
The best armor is to keep out of range. —Italian proverb
ART
A work of art? It has no invention; it has no order, system, sequence, or result; it has no life likeness, no thrill, no stir, no seeming or reality; its characters are confusedly drawn, and by their acts and words they prove that they are not the sort of people the author claims that they are; its humor is pathetic; its pathos is funny; its conversations are—oh! indescribable; its love scenes odious, its English a crime against the language. Counting these out, what is left is art. I think we must all admit that. —Mark Twain
ARTISTIC ABILITY
Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. —Fran Lebowitz
ASPIRIN
A rule of thumb in the matter of medical advice is to take everything any doctor says with a grain of aspirin. —Goodman Ace
ASSASSINATION
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship. —Bernard Shaw
ATHEISTS
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. —John Buchan
An atheist cannot find God for the same reason a thief cannot find a policeman.
ATHLETE'S FOOT
Before you walk in another guy's boot, make sure he doesn't have athlete's foot.
ATTICS
An attic is a place where you keep something for ten years and then throw it away just two weeks before you need it.
ATTITUDE
We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms— to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. —Victor E. Frankl
The man who never does anything he doesn't like rarely likes anything he does.
The man who doesn't care what others think is generally found at the top of the ladder or at the bottom.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems but will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. —Herm Albright
Men are disturbed not by the things that happen but by their opinion of the things that happen. —Epictetus
AUTHORS
Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again. —Mark Twain
If the doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I'd type a little faster. —Isaac Asimov
What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a check. —Brendan Francis
It is part of prudence to thank an author for his book before reading it so as to avoid the necessity of lying about it afterwards. —George Santayana
What an author doesn't know usually fills a book.
AUTHORSHIP
There are three difficulties in authorship: to write anything worth publishing, to find honest men to publish it, and to get sensible men to read it. —C. C. Colton
AVERAGE
Statisticians are men who know that if you put a man's head in a sauna and his feet in a deep freeze, he will feel pretty good—on the average.
If you are average, it means you are as close to the top as you are to the bottom.
Things average out: If you think too much of yourself, others won't.
The trouble with the average man is that he seldom increases his average.
AWARDS
If somebody throws a brick at me, I can catch it and throw it back. But when somebody awards a decoration to me, I am out of words. —Harry S. Truman
AXES
If you'll spend more time sharpening the ax, you'll spend less time chopping wood.
BABES
Out of the mouths of babes comes . . . cereal.
BABIES
Babies do not want to hear about babies; they like to be told of giants and castles. —Samuel Johnson
The baby wakes up in the wee wee hours of the morning. —Robert Robbins
There's nothing like having a baby to make you realize that it's a changing world.
Another thing that has to be learned from the bottom up is baby care.
A baby is a small creature who soon ceases to be an armful and grows into quite a handful.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. —Leo J. Burke
When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. —Gracie Allen
BABY-SITTERS
When you're young, your mother tells you what time you have to be home; when you're grown up and married, your baby-sitter tells you.
BABY TALK
Why talk baby talk to an infant when plain English is hard enough for the poor youngster to understand? —John Kendrick Bangs
BACHELORS
No one has yet been able to figure out at just what age a bachelor becomes confirmed.
A bachelor is a man who isn't fit to be tied.
Not every child psychologist is a bachelor, but every bachelor is a child psychologist.
The difference between a bachelor and a married man is that one longs for the impossible and the other has married her.
Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married, too. —H. L. Mencken
BACKSEAT DRIVERS
The only motorist who never seems to run out of gas is the backseat driver.
BAD MEMORY
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. —Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
BAGPIPES
Bagpipes are the missing link between music and noise. —E. K. Kruger
BALDNESS
One thing about baldness: It's neat. —Don Herold
BALLPARKS
If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them. —Yogi Berra
BALONEY
No matter how thin you slice it, its still baloney. —Alfred E. Smith
BANKERS
[A banker is] a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. —Mark Twain
Old bankers never die; they just lose their interest.
BANKRUPTCY
Great is bankruptcy: the great bottomless gulf into which all falsehoods, public and private, do sink, disappearing. —Thomas Carlyle
BARBERS
The world is so confusing nowadays—even your barber has trouble giving you all the answers.
When one barber cuts another barber's hair, which one does the talking?
BARE FEET
He that goes barefoot must not plant thorns. —George Herbert
BARGAINS
On a good bargain think twice. —George Herbert
BASEBALL
Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can't get you off. —Bill Veeck
BASKETBALL PLAYERS
Old basketball players never die; they just dribble away.
BEAR
Tho' the bear be gentle, don't bite him by the nose.—Thomas D'Urfey
BEARBAITING
The Puritans objected to bearbaiting not because it gave pain to the bear but because it gave pleasure to the spectators. —Thomas Macaulay
BEAUTY
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas? —Jean Kerr
Beauty, in a modest woman, is like fire or a sharp sword at a distance: Neither doth the one burn nor the other wound those that come not too near them. —Miguel de Cervantes
BEAUTY PARLORS
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate. —Phyllis Diller
BEHAVIOR
It is easier to behave your way into a new way of thinking than to think your way into a new way of behaving.
BELIEFS
It doesn't pay well to fight for what we believe in. —Lillian Hellman
BELITTLE
Don't belittle yourself—your friends will do it for you.
BEN HUR
We've got a cat called Ben Hur. We called it Ben till it had kittens. —Sally Poplin
BEST SELLERS
A best seller is usually forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow it.
BEWARE
Beware of a man who does not talk and a dog that does not bark. —Jacob Cats
BIBLE
A Bible in the hand is worth two on the shelf.
BIGOTS
One who is obstinately attached to an opinion you do not entertain. —Ambrose Bierce
BIG STEP
Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. —David Lloyd George
BILLBOARDS
The billboards must go—we need the room for roadside stands, garbage dumps, and auto junkyards.
BIPARTISAN
Whenever a fellow tells me he's bipartisan, I know he's going to vote against me. —Harry S. Truman
BIRD IN THE HAND
A bird in the hand can be messy.
BIRTHDAY CAKES
The woman who puts the right number of candles on her birthday cake is playing with fire.
BLACKMAILERS
A blackmailer is the man who has a skeleton key to the family closet.
BLADDERS
I don't need you to remind me of my age: I have a bladder to do that for me. —Stephen Fry
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. —Alfred Hitchcock
BLANKETS
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
BLESSED
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting. —Elizabeth Bibesco
BLIND DATES
When you expect to meet a vision on a blind date, she usually turns out to be a sight.
BLISTERS
If you want a place in the sun, you've got to expect a few blisters. —Abigail Van Buren
BLOCKHEADS
A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one. —Benjamin Franklin
BLUNDERS
The best time to repent of a blunder is just before the blunder is made. —Josh Billings
BLUSHES
Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to. —Mark Twain
BOOK REVIEWS
I look upon book reviews as an infantile disease that newborn books are subject to. —G. C. Lichtenberg
BOOKS
From the moment I picked your book up until the moment I put it down, I could not stop laughing. Someday I hope to read it. —Groucho Marx
The covers of this book are too far apart. —Ambrose Bierce
Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book. —Frank McKinney Hubbard
A house without books is like a room without windows. —Horace Mann
BOREDOM
Boredom, after all, is a form of criticism. —William Phillips
BORES
Talk to a man about himself, and he will listen for hours. —Benjamin Disraeli
He's the kind of bore who's here today and here tomorrow.
—Binnie Barnes
A bore is a fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it. —Henry Ford
Bore is too mild a word for some men; they are more like pneumatic drills.
There are few wild beasts more to be dreaded than a talking man having nothing to say. —Jonathan Swift
Some men are such bores you can't stand listening to them even when they're talking about you.
We often forgive those who bore us; we cannot forgive those whom we bore. —Françs La Rochefoucauld
BORING
If you haven't struck oil in your first three minutes, stop boring! —George Jessel
BORROW
Many a man with a big collection of books needs more shelves but doesn't know how to borrow shelves.
A person who borrows books becomes his brother's bookkeeper.
BOSSES
The question, "Who ought to be boss?" is like asking, "Who ought to be the tenor in the quartet?" Obviously, the man who can sing tenor. —Henry Ford
You can always tell who the boss is: He's the one who watches the clock during the coffee break.
BOSTON
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. —Fred Allen
Boston is a moral and intellectual nursery always busy applying first principles to trifles. —George Santayana
BOYS
A good way to get a boy to cut the grass is to forbid him to touch the lawn mower.
It is a mistake to believe that because a boy is quiet, he is up to mischief; he may be asleep.
BRAINS
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. —Covert Bailey
The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. —George Jessel
BRAVERY
It is easy to be brave from a safe distance. —Aesop
When you are weaponless, at least act brave.
BREAKFAST
Believe it or not, once upon a time all members of the family had breakfast together.
BREAKS
Night falls but never breaks, and day breaks but never falls.
BUCKS
The buck past before it got here.
BUDGETS
Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month; others just go over them. —Sally Poplin
BUFFALOES
What really happened to the buffaloes is just what you might expect if you've ever seen one in a zoo—the moths got into them. —Will Cuppy
BUNDLES
Sticks in a bundle are unbreakable. —African proverb
BURDENS
Most families don't want father burdened with money, so they relieve him of his burden.
God gave burdens, also shoulders. —Yiddish proverb
BUREAUCRATS
Old bureaucrats never die; they just waste away.
BURGLARS
Old burglars never die; they just steal away.
BUSINESS
I remember that a wise friend of mine did usually say, "That which is everybody's business is nobody's business." —Izaak Walton
BUSINESSMEN
Of course all boys are not full of tricks, but the best of them are. That is, those who are readiest to play innocent jokes, and who are continually looking for chances to make Rome howl, are the most apt to be first-class businessmen. —George W. Peck
BUSYNESS
Some folks can look so busy doing nothin' that they seem indispensable. —Frank McKinney Hubbard
No one is so busy as the man who has nothing to do. —French proverb
If you want to get a job done, give it to a busy man. The other kind has no time. —Elbert Hubbard
BUYING AND SELLING
I'd like to buy him at my price and sell him at his.
CAB DRIVERS
Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect. —Howard Ogden
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. —George Burns
CAMELS
A camel never sees its own hump. —African proverb
CANDIDATES
A candidate has to see both sides of an issue— otherwise, how is he going to get around it?
Many a candidate feels that because his rival has been fooling the public for years, he should now be given a chance.
Everyone's talking about how young the candidates are. And it's true. A few months ago Kennedy's mother said, "You have a choice. . . . Do you want to go to camp this year or run for president?" —Bob Hope
CANNIBALS
Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork? —Stanislaw J. Lec
There was an old cannibal whose stomach suffered from so many disorders that he could only digest animals that had no spines. Thus, for years he subsisted only upon university professors. —Louis Phillips
CANNONS
Don't use a cannon to shoot a sparrow. —Chinese proverb
CAPITALISM
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries. —Winston Churchill
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
If you advocate the abolition of capital punishment, remember that you have all the murderers on your side.
CARDS
When a man tells me he's going to put all his cards on the table, I always look up his sleeve. —Lord Hore-Belisha
I must complain the cards are ill shuffled till I have a good hand. —Jonathan Swift
CAREERS
His was the sort of career that made the recording angel think seriously about taking up shorthand. —Nicholas Bentley
CARS
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. —Erma Bombeck
Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new one.
The only thing more disturbing than a neighbor with a noisy old car is a neighbor with a quiet new one.
CASH
Nowadays when a woman furnishes her home in Early American style, it probably means she has paid for it in cash.
Sign in a store: "Cash only, please. We know that your check is good, but we don't trust the banks."
CELEBRITIES
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. —Fred Allen
CELLAR DOOR
My parents warned me never to open the cellar door or I would see things I shouldn't see. So one day when they were out, I did open the cellar door, and I did see things I shouldn't see—grass, flowers, the sun. —Emo Philips
CEMETERIES
The fence around a cemetery is foolish, for those inside can't get out, and those outside don't want to get in.
CHANGE
You cannot step twice into the same river, for other waters are continually flowing on. —Heraclitus
In prosperity, prepare for change; in adversity, hope for one.
CHAPERONES
Her face was her chaperone. —Rupert Hughes
CHARACTER
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. —Will Rogers
Character is much easier kept than recovered. —Thomas Paine
The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out. —Thomas Babington Macaulay
Character is what you are in the dark. —Dwight L. Moody
Sow an act, and you reap a habit. Sow a habit, and you reap a character. Sow a character, and you reap a destiny. —Charles Reade
Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character. —Oscar Levant
A pat on the back will build character if applied low enough, hard enough, and often enough.
No man knows his true character until he has run out of gas, purchased something on the installment plan, and raised an adolescent. —Mercelene Cox
CHARITY
Charity begins at home and generally dies from lack of outdoor exercise.
When it comes to giving charity, some people stop at nothing.
CHARMERS
Do you know the difference between a beautiful woman and a charming one? A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you. —Adlai Stevenson
CHEER
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. —Mark Twain
CHEERFULNESS
Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious. —William Feather
CHEESE
How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese? —Charles de Gaulle
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. —G. K. Chesterton
CHESS
Life's too short for chess. —Henry James Byron
CHILD
Teach your child to hold his tongue; he'll learn fast enough to speak. —Benjamin Franklin
Nothing annoys the average child today like a disobedient parent.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. —Fran Lebowitz
Many kiss the child for the nurse's sake. —John Heywood
CHILD PSYCHOLOGY
Child psychology has discovered many excellent rules for bringing up other people's children.
CHILDREN
It's really unbelievable how many mistakes the neighbors can make in raising their children.
Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them. —Antoine de Saint-Exupé
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive. —Ogden Nash
Small children constantly play on your emotions: They are either a lump in the throat or a pain in the neck.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents in spite of every effort to teach them good manners.
The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults. —Peter de Vries
Children keep a family together, especially when one can't get a baby-sitter.
No wonder it's so difficult to raise children properly— they are always imitating their parents.
Some people can trace their ancestry back hundreds of years but cannot tell you where their children were last night.
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant and let the air out of the tires. —Dorothy Parker
When a father doesn't have the upper hand with his children, it is usually because he has failed to lower his.
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. —Duke of Windsor
Parents are embarrassed when their children tell lies—and even more embarrassed when they tell the truth.
Two of anything but children make a pair; two of them make a mob.
I know a lot about children. Not being an author, I'm a great critic. —Finley Peter Dunne
Child guidance is what parents get from their children nowadays.
Man is lazy by nature, so God gave us children to get us up early. —Henny Youngman
Children really brighten up a household—they never turn the lights off. —Ralph Bus
Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children. —Charles R. Swindoll
The persons hardest to convince they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime. —Shannon Fife
Before I was married I had three theories about raising children. Now I have three children and no theories. —John Wilmot
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. —Socrates
If you don't want your children to hear what you are saying, pretend you're talking to them.
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. —Franklin P. Adams
You can do anything with children if you only play with them.
—Otto von Bismarck
CHINESE FOOD
You do not sew with a fork, and I see no reason why you should eat with knitting needles. —Miss Piggy
When it comes to Chinese food, the less known about the preparation the better. —Calvin Trillin
CHIP ON THE SHOULDER
One of the heaviest burdens a person can carry is a chip on his shoulder. —Olin Miller
A chip on the shoulder is too heavy a piece of baggage to carry through life. —B. C. Forbes
Don't go around with a chip on your shoulder; people might think it came off your head.
CHOPS
Chop: A piece of leather skillfully attached to a bone and administered to the patients at restaurants.
—Ambrose Bierce
CHRISTIANS
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car. —Laurence Peter
CHRYSANTHEMUMS
A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell. —William J. Johnston
CHURCH
A great many more men would want to go to church if there were a law against it.
If all the people who sleep in church were placed end to end, they would be more comfortable.
Don't stay away from church because there are so many hypocrites. There's always room for one more. —A. R. Adams
CIVILIZATION
The three principal things that hold civilization together are the safety pin, the paper clip, and the zipper.
CIVIL SERVICE
The man who never worries or hurries is probably in civil service.
CLAIR DE LUNE
I only know two pieces: One is "Clair de Lune," and the other one isn't. —Victor Borge
CLASSICAL MUSIC
Classical music is music written by famous dead foreigners. —Arlene Heath
CLASSICS
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. —Mark Twain
CLAUSTROPHOBIA
Claustrophobia? It's a dreadful fear of Santa Claus. —Vinnie Barbarino
CLEANING
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. —Phyllis Diller
CLEVERNESS
It is very clever to know how to hide one's cleverness. —Françs La Rochefoucauld
He might be a very clever man by nature for all I know, but he laid so many books upon his head that his brains could not move. —Robert Hall
When a wife laughs at her husband's jokes, it's not because they are clever, but because she is.
I always did think that cleverness was the art of hiding ignorance. —Shetland Bradley
CLOCKWATCHERS
An office clock is rarely stolen—probably because everyone watches it.
Some of the laziest people I know are the world's best clock watchers.
CLOSETS
The last place people want to hang clothes is their clothes closet. Closets are mean, inconvenient, often dark, and always overcrowded. If a person's closet isn't overcrowded, you can bet that person needs a psychiatrist. —Andy Rooney
CLOTHES
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. —Mark Twain
CLUTTERED
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? —Laurence J. Peter
COFFEE
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. —Abraham Lincoln
COFFEE BREAKS
Do the employees at a tea factory get a coffee break?
In some government offices there are so many coffee breaks that the employees can't sleep at their work.
COLD FEET
Some are born with cold feet, some acquire cold feet, and others have cold feet thrust upon them.
COLDS
Why is it that only people who are not doctors know how to cure a cold?
COLLEGE
Another thing that a young man learns at college is that he's terribly short of money.
College football players seldom have trouble with running and kicking but often have trouble with passing.
Many a man who spends thousands of dollars on his son's college education gets only a quarter back.
Some students take up the arts in college, some take up the sciences, while others just take up space.
COLLEGE PRESIDENTS
Old college presidents never die; they just lose their faculties.
COME AGAIN
You must come again when you have less time. —Walter Sickert
COMIC STRIPS
There are more comic strips on the beaches than in the newspapers.
COMMITMENT
With regard to ham and eggs: The chicken is involved; the pig is committed. —Abraham Lincoln
COMMITTEES
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. —Milton Berle
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. —Richard Harkness
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work. —Laurence J. Peter
COMMON-LOOKING PEOPLE
The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason he makes so many of them. —Abraham Lincoln
COMMON SENSE
Another thing this country needs is a college that gives a degree in common sense.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. —Ralph Waldo Emerson
COMMUNISTS
What is a Communist? One who has yearnings for equal division of unequal earnings. —Ebenezer Elliot
A Communist is one who has nothing and is eager to share it with others.
If the Communists worked just as hard as they talked, they'd have the most prosperous style of government in the world. —Will Rogers
COMPANY
A man is known by the company he keeps out of. —A. Craig
COMPASSION
Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation. —Henry Ward Beecher
COMPLIMENTS
Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt. —Frank McKinney Hubbard
I can live for two months on a good compliment. —Mark Twain
COMPUTERS
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
CONCEIT
Conceit is a strange disease; it makes everyone sick except the person who has it.
The world tolerates conceit from those who are successful but not from anybody else. —John Blake
Conceit is God's gift to little men. —Bruce Barton
CONCENTRATION
When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully. —Samuel Johnson
CONCILIATION
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured. —Konrad Adenauer
CONCLUSIONS
Jumping to conclusions seldom leads to happy landings.
Some people exercise by jumping to conclusions, some by sidestepping their responsibilities, but most people get it by running down their friends.
CONFERENCES
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. —Fred Allen
CONFESSION
Nothing spoils a confession like repentance. —Anatole France
CONFIDENCE
Confidence is that quiet, assured feeling you get just before you fall flat on your face.
CONFUSION
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
CONGRESS
Tomorrow is Labor Day, I suppose set by act of Congress. How Congress knows anything about labor is beyond me. —Will Rogers
Congressional terms should be ... ten to twenty with no possibility of parole. —Walt Handelsman
When a man runs for Congress, you're a friend; when he's elected, you're a constituent; when he's legislating, you're a taxpayer.
The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them but just to hide them better.
Think of what would happen to us in America if there were no humorists—life would be one long Congressional Record. —Thomas L. Masson
All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots and a compassion for them on account of personal experience and heredity. —Mark Twain
CONSCIENCE
Conscience: That which makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does. —Laurence J. Peter
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking. —H. L. Mencken
Removing a man's conscience is usually just a minor operation. —-Jesse S. Jones
Conscience is the playback of the still, small voice that warned you not to do it in the first place.
Conscience is a cur that will let you get past it but that you cannot keep from barking.
I have noticed my conscience for many years, and I know it is more trouble and bother to me than anything else I started with. —Mark Twain
CONTEMPT
Silent contempt is the noblest way a man can express himself when the other fellow is bigger.
CONTENTMENT
Who is rich? He who is content. Who is that? Nobody.
The contented man is never poor; the discontented man is never rich.
CONTRADICTIONS
A man never tells you anything until you contradict him. —Bernard Shaw
CONTRARINESS
Some folks are so contrary that if they fell in a river, they'd insist on floating upstream. —Josh Billings
CONVERSATION
Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know. —Andréaurois
The art of conversation is not knowing what you ought to say but what one ought not to say.
There are two faults in conversation, which appear very different, yet arise from the same root and are equally blameable: I mean an impatience to interrupt others and the uneasiness of being interrupted ourselves. —Jonathan Swift
Cutting in on some conversation is about as easy as threading a sewing machine needle when it is operating at full speed. —Ray Pierce
COOKING DINNER
There is no spectacle on earth more appealing than that of a beautiful woman in the act of cooking dinner for someone she loves. —Thomas Wolfe
CORPORATIONS
Corporation: an ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. —Ambrose Bierce
COURAGE
He has all the courage of a lame mouse in a lion's cage. —Jim Bishop
COURTSHIP
In a courtship the heart beats so loudly it blocks out the sound from the mind. —Bern Williams
CRAFTINESS
Craftiness must have clothes, but truth loves to go naked.
CRAZY
If I wanted to go crazy, I would do it in Washington because it would not be noticed. —Irwin S. Cobb
CREDIT
Credit: what you use to buy today what you can't afford tomorrow while you're still paying for it yesterday.
Next to the man who invented taxes, the one who caused the most trouble in the world is the man who invented credit.
Credit is a clever financial trick that enables us to spend what we haven't got.
Many a man who seems to be on Easy Street is only on Easy Payment Plan.
CREDIT CARDS
A credit card sometimes adds to the high cost of living but more often to the cost of high living.
You can pay for everything nowadays with a credit card—except the monthly bills you run up with it.
CREDITORS
Running into debt isn't so bad. It's running into creditors that hurts. —Jacob M. Braude
CRICKET
Cricket is a game that the British, not being a spiritual people, had to invent in order to have some concept of eternity. —Lord Mancroft
CRISES
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. —Henry Kissinger
CRITICISM
To escape criticism—do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. —Elbert Hubbard
If criticism had any real power to harm, the skunk would have been extinct by now. —Fred Allen
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. —Franklin P. Jones
CRITICS
A critic is a legless man who teaches running. —Charming Pollock
A critic is a gong at a railroad crossing clanging loudly and vainly as the train goes by. —Christopher Morley
Critics are a dissembling, dishonest, contemptible race of men. Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs. —John Osborne
CROCODILES
Don't think there are no crocodiles just because the water is calm.
CROWDS
Every crowd has a silver lining. —P. T. Barnum
CRYING
Smile and the world smiles with you; cry and you get a red nose.
CUCUMBERS
A cucumber should be well sliced and dressed with pepper and vinegar and then thrown out, as good for nothing. —Samuel Johnson
CUSTARD
Custard: a detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook. —Ambrose Bierce
CUSTOMS
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. —Mark Twain
CYNICS
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. —H. L. Mencken
DARLING
Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. —Oliver Herford
DEAFNESS
No one is as deaf as the man who will not listen.
DEATH
Death: to stop sinning suddenly. —Elbert Hubbard
He who would teach men to die would teach them to live. —Michel de Montaigne
DEBT
Nothing gets you into debt faster than trying to keep up with people who are already there.
He that dies pays all debts. —William Shakespeare
DECISIONS
Wherever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision. —Peter Drucker
A decision is what a man makes when he can't get anyone to serve on a committee. —Fletcher Knebel
DEEDS
Talk is cheap; actions are gold.
DEMOCRACY
Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the other forms that have already been tried.
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
In a democracy you can speak your mind; the only difficulty is to get someone to listen.
Democracy is a form of government where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
DEMOCRATS
I am not a member of any organized party—I am a Democrat. —Will Rogers
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats. —Horace Greeley
DENIAL
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied. —Claud Cockburn
DEPRESSION
He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. —David Frost
Noble deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression. —Dodie Smith
DEVIL
Wherever God erects a house of prayer,
The Devil always builds a chapel there;
And 'twill be found, upon examination,
The latter has the largest congregation. —Daniel Defoe
We have done away with the devil these days because man can now be trusted to carry on the work himself.
Some people sell themselves to the devil; others rent themselves out by the day.
DIAGNOSIS
The doctor asks the patient what's wrong, and then the patient asks the doctor.
DIAMONDS
A box of candy means friendship, a bunch of flowers means love, but a diamond means business.
The diamond is the hardest stone ... to get.
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old, secondhand diamonds than none at all. —Mark Twain
DICE
The best throw with the dice is to throw them away.
DICTATORS
Dictators believe in only one liberty—the liberty to do away with all the other liberties.
DIETS
I've been on a diet for two weeks, and all I've lost is two weeks. —Totie Fields
The worst thing about a reducing diet is not watching your food but watching everyone else's.
What's the use of going on a diet on which you starve to death just to live longer?
Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet. —Dan Bennett
DIFFERENCES
The difference between us and other people is that their money looks bigger and their troubles smaller.
DIMPLES
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. —Stephen Leacock
DINNER PARTIES
At a dinner party we should eat wisely but not too well and talk well but not too wisely. —Somerset Maugham
DIPLOMACY
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. —Will Rogers
Diplomacy: lying in state. —Oliver Herford
Diplomacy is the art of keeping your shirt on while you are getting something off your chest.
You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week. —Will Rogers
DIPLOMATS
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. —Robert Frost
In order to be a diplomat, one must speak a number of languages, including doubletalk. —Carey Williams
Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it. —Will Rogers
DISAGREEMENTS
In our home we have a rule: You can disagree with a man's position as much as you want—after you have been able to state it to his satisfaction. —J. Irwin Miller
We're having a little disagreement. What I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no-expense-spared reception, and what he wants is to break off our engagement. —Sally Poplin
DISAPPOINTMENTS
The biggest disappointments come to those who get what's coming to them.
DISCIPLINE
Every child should have an occasional pat on the back as long as it is applied low enough and hard enough.
—Bishop Fulton J. Sheen
DISCOVERY
Man cannot discover new oceans until he has courage to lose sight of the shore.
DISCRETION
More trouble is caused in the world by indiscreet answers than by indiscreet questions. —Sydney J. Harris
The trouble with discretion is that it usually comes too late to do any good.
DISORDERLINESS
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. —A. A. Milne
DIVORCE
Divorce is so common that some couples stay married just to be different.
DOCTORS
The doctor felt the man's purse and said there was no hope.
Nobody wants to be married to a doctor who works weekends and makes house calls at 2 A.M. But every patient would like to find one. —Ellen Goodman
Never go to a doctor whose office plants are dead. —Erma Bombeck
Doctors think a lot of patients are cured who have simply quit in disgust. —Don Herold
It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it. —Dave Barry
My doctor is so busy—while in his waiting room I caught another disease.
When a patient is at death's door, it is the duty of his doctor to pull him through.
A doctor is a general practitioner who calls in a specialist to share the blame.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too. —Anton Chekhov
DO UNTO OTHERS
Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you—their tastes might not be the same. —George Bernard Shaw
DOGMATISM
When people are least sure, they are often more dogmatic. —J. K. Galbraith
Dogmatism: that wretched disease that rivets a man so firmly to his own belief that he becomes incapable of conceiving other men may believe otherwise. —Michel de Montaigne
DOGS
I broke our dog from begging for food from the table. I let him taste it.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. —Josh Billings
If a dog could talk, he wouldn't be man's best friend for long.
A dog teaches a body fidelity, perseverance, and to turn 'round three times before lying down. —Robert Benchley
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. —Mark Twain
Every boy who has a dog should also have a mother so the dog can be fed regularly.
I have always liked bird dogs better than kennel-fed dogs myself—you know, one that will get out and hunt for food rather than sit on his fanny and yell. —Charles E. Wilson
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. —Groucho Marx
He has all the characteristics of a dog—except loyalty. —Sam Houston
DONKEYS
Until the donkey tried to clear the fence, he thought himself a deer. —Arthur Guiterman
Cropping a donkey's ears will not produce a stallion.
DO-NOTHINGS
He did nothing in particular and did it very well. —W. S. Gilbert
DOWNCAST
A good way to perk up your spirits whenever you're downcast is to think back over the persons you might have married.
DREAM HOUSE
The trouble with a dream house is that it costs twice as much as you dreamed it would.
DRESSMAKERS
Good often comes from evil: the apple that Eve ate has given work to thousands of designers and dressmakers.
DRIVERS
It is untrue that Germans are bad drivers. They hit everything they aim at. —Joey Adams
DRIVEWAYS
We drive on a parkway but park in a driveway.
DRIVING
Nothing improves a man's driving like being followed by a police car.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way. —Sam Levenson
DROPOUTS
Another way to solve the school dropout problem is to make a high school diploma a prerequisite for a driver's license.
DRUMS
The first thing a child learns after he gets a drum is that he's never going to get another.
DRUNKS
Let him who sins when drunk be punished when sober.
DULLNESS
The town was so dull that when the tide went out, it refused to come back. —Fred Allen
DUMB
Dumb enough to chew on the stick instead of sucking the lollipop. —Rex Stout
While he was not as dumb as an ox, he was not any smarter either. —James Thurber
DUMB QUESTIONS
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
DUTY
The best way to get rid of your duties is to discharge them.
When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. —George Bernard Shaw
Happiness is the natural flower of duty. —Phillips Brooks
Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. —Mark Twain
EARLY
Being early is an unpardonable sin. If you are early, you'll witness the last-minute confusion and panic that always attend making anything seem effortlessly gracious. Looking in on this scene is almost as rude as asking someone where he got his face-lift. —P. J. O'Rourke
Early to bed and early to rise is a sure sign that you're fed up with television. —Henny Youngman
EARS
The eyes believe themselves; the ears believe other people.
Nature has given men one tongue but two ears that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.
—Epictetus
EARTH
Earth here is so kind, that just tickle her with a hoe, and she laughs with a harvest. —Douglas Jerrold
EATING
Never eat more than you can lift. —Miss Piggy
Children are always being told to eat more by parents who are always being told to eat less.
EATING CROW
Food isn't the only thing that causes indigestion: You can also get it from eating crow and swallowing your pride.
ECHOES
Don't be an echo; remember, though it's always an exact imitation, it never contributes anything new.
ECONOMISTS
If all the nation's economists were laid end to end, they would point in all directions.
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. —George Bernard Shaw
ECONOMY
It is remarkable how little a man can live on, especially when compared with how much he wants.
EDUCATION
They say that we are better educated than our parents' generation. What they mean is that we go to school longer. They are not the same thing. —Douglas Yates
He was so learned that he could name a horse in nine languages; so ignorant that he bought a cow to ride on. —Benjamin Franklin
Education is something you get when your father sends you to college. But it isn't complete until you send your son there.
Nothing in education is so astonishing as the amount of ignorance it accumulates in the form of inert facts. —Henry Adams
If a man empties his purse into his head, no one can take it from him. —Benjamin Franklin
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. —Derek Bok
Of what use is a college education to high school graduates who already know everything?
Another way to get an education is to drive a school bus.
Sixty years ago I knew everything; now I know nothing; education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. —Will Durant
EFFICIENCY EXPERTS
An efficiency expert is one who waits to make up a foursome before going through a revolving door.
EFFORT
Everything requires effort; the only thing you can achieve without it is failure.
EGGS
Put all your eggs in one basket—and watch the basket. —Mark Twain
EGOTISTS
When an egotist gets up in the morning and puts his pants on, he thinks the whole world is dressed.
Give the egotist his due; he never goes around talking about other people.
ELEPHANTS
They say the elephant never forgets, but what has he got to remember?
I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me. —Noel Coward
When you have got an elephant by the hind legs and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.
—Abraham Lincoln
EMPTINESS
People who would think of talking with their mouths full often speak with their heads empty.
The empty cask makes the most sound. —Jacob Cats
EMPTY POCKETS
The devil dances in an empty pocket.
END OF YOUR ROPE
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
—Franklin D. Roosevelt
ENDS MEET
Just about the time you think you can make both ends meet, somebody comes along and moves the ends.
ENDURANCE
Never mistake endurance for hospitality.
ENEMIES
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies—probably because they are generally the same people. —G. K. Chesterton
Don't bore your friends with your troubles; tell them to your enemies—they'll enjoy hearing about them.
I'm lonesome. They are all dying. I have hardly a warm personal enemy left. —J. A. McNeill Whistler
Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him. —Oscar Wilde
To have a good enemy, choose a friend—he knows best where to stick the knife.
If you really want to annoy your enemy, keep silent and leave him alone.
ENGLAND
In order to appreciate England one has to have a certain contempt for logic. —Lin Yutang
The best thing I know between France and England is the sea. —Douglas Jerrold
ENOUGH
Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little. —Epicurus
ENTHUSIASM
The employee who is fired with enthusiasm is seldom fired.
ENVY
It is the practice of the multitude to bark at eminent men, as little dogs do at strangers. —Seneca
EXPERIENCE
Knowledge is what you get from reading the small print in a contract; experience is what you get from not reading it.
Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye is hiding something, particularly if he adds a firm handshake. —Clifton Fadiman
FACES
As a beauty I'm not a great star. There are others more handsome, by far, But my face—I don't mind it Because I am behind it; It's the people in front get the jar. —Anthony Euwer
He had the sort of face that once seen is never remembered. —Oscar Wilde
Another way in which a woman loses face is by misplacing her cosmetic kit.
FACTS
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. —Mark Twain
FAILINGS
People in general will much better bear being told their vices and crimes than of their failings and weaknesses. —Lord Chesterfield
FAILURES
Failure has gone to his head. —Wilson Mizner
I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure—which is: Try to please everybody. —Herbert Bayard Swope
Half the failures in life arise from pulling in one's horse as he is leaping. —J. C. and A. W. Hare
FAITH
'Tis not the dying for a faith that's so hard . . . every man of every nation has done that—'tis the living up to it that's difficult. —William Makepeace Thackeray
FAME
Fame is the perfume of heroic deeds. —Socrates
The fame of great men ought to be judged always by the means they used to acquire it. —Françs La Rochefoucauld
FAMILIARITY
Familiarity breeds contempt—and children. —Mark Twain
FAMILY
Nowadays two can live as cheaply as one large family used to! —Joey Adams
I come from a wealthy family. My brother is worth fifty thousand dollars—dead or alive.
FAMILY TREE
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; just go into politics, and your opponents will do it for you.
I don't have to look up my family tree because I know that I'm the sap. —Fred Allen
FARMING
A good farmer is nothing more nor less than a handyman with a sense of humus. —E. B. White
Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from the cornfield. —Dwight D. Eisenhower
FAT
I found there was only one way to look thin—hang out with fat people. —Rodney Dangerfield
FATHERS
No man is responsible for his father. That is entirely his mother's affair. —Margaret Turnbull
A boy's best friend is his father, and if he gets up early or stays up late, he may get to see him.
A father is the parent who is busy doing his children's homework while they are busy watching television.
A father is sometimes the master in his own home, but more often merely the paymaster.
When I was fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. When I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. —Mark Twain
FATHER'S DAY
Father's Day and Mother's Day are alike, except that on Father's Day you buy a much cheaper gift.
FAULTFINDING
Don't tell your friends their social faults; they will cure the fault and never forgive you. —Logan Pearsall Smith
Fault is one of the easiest things to find, and yet many people keep on looking for it.
Don't criticize your husband's faults. If it weren't for them, he might have married a better wife.
Why can't our neighbors do as we do, and close their eyes to our faults?
FEAR
The man who doesn't know the meaning of the word fear probably doesn't know many other words either.
FEBRUARY FACES
You have such a February face. So full of frost, of storm, and cloudiness. —William Shakespeare
FIFTY
The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down. —T. S. Eliot
FILING CABINETS
A filing cabinet is a place where you can lose things systematically. —T. H. Thompson
FIRE
He who wishes a fire must put up with the smoke.
FISHERMEN
Old fishermen never die; they just smell that way.
FISHING
Some men in telling a fish story will go to any length. There is no use in your walking five miles to fish when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful near home. —Mark Twain
FLAPJACKS
There's two sides to every flapjack.
FLATTERY
Nothing is so great an instance of ill manners as flattery. If you flatter all the company, you please none; if you flatter only one or two, you affront the rest. —Jonathan Swift
Everyone likes flattery, and when you come to royalty, you should lay it on with a trowel. —Benjamin Disraeli
Baloney is the unvarnished lie laid on so thick you hate it. Blarney is flattery laid on so thin you love it. —Bishop Fulton J. Sheen
FLEAS
Elephants are always drawn smaller than life, but a flea always larger. —Jonathan Swift
FLIES
Of course, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but who needs flies?
FLOODS
The only thing worse than a flooded basement is a flooded attic.
FLORIDA
It never freezes in Florida, at least not until you've bought an orange grove.
FLOWERS
Whatever a man's age, he can reduce it several years by putting a bright-colored flower in his buttonhole. —Mark Twain
FOG
There's a world of difference between the man who works up steam and the man who generates a fog.
FOLKSINGERS
There are two kinds of folksingers: those who can sing and won't and those who can't sing and do.
FOOLING PEOPLE
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. —James Thurber
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all the time. —Abraham Lincoln
FOOLPROOF
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
FOOLS
You can always tell a fool, unless he's hiding inside you.
A fool empties his head every time he opens his mouth.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. —Abraham Lincoln
A fool and his money are soon parted, but seldom by another fool.
If you must be a fool, be one while you're young. It's better to cause grief to parents than to children.
You can only fool some of the people some of the time because the rest of the time they are trying to fool you.
A fool and his money are soon married. —Carolyn Wells
The man who doesn't recognize a fool when he sees one is one himself. —Baltasar Gracian
Never argue with a fool—people might not know the difference.
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. —H. L. Mencken
The best blood will sometimes get into a fool or a mosquito. —Austin O'Malley
Fools rush in where bachelors fear to wed.
Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something. —Plato
The world is full of fools, and there's always one more than you think.
If fools went not to market, bad wares would not be sold. —John Ray
FOOTBALL
Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of aggression without going to jail for it. —Heywood Hale Broun
There's only one thing more brutal than a football game, and that's the price of the tickets.
FOOTPRINTS
Some men may not leave footprints on the sands of time, but they certainly leave them everywhere else.
FOREIGN AID
The trouble with foreign aid is that it enables too many countries to live beyond our means.
America's foreign-aid policy is an open book—an open checkbook.
FORGETTING
A mother's advice: I can forget and you can forget, but a piece of paper never forgets.
FORGIVENESS
Women forgive injuries but never forget slights. —T. C. Haliburton
We can forgive most anything except the person who has to forgive us.
Always forgive your enemies—nothing annoys them so much. —Oscar Wilde
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. —John F. Kennedy
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet dashes on the heel that crushes it.
FORTUNE
He who waits upon fortune is never sure of a dinner. —Benjamin Franklin
FOXES
You don't set a fox to watching the chickens just because he has a lot of experience in the henhouse. —Harry S. Truman
Many foxes grow gray but few grow good. —Benjamin Franklin
FRANCE
France has neither winter nor summer nor morals—apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. —Mark Twain
FRANKNESS
Frank and explicit—that is the right line to take when you wish to conceal your own mind and to confuse the minds of others. —Benjamin Disraeli
FREEDOM
If a man does only what is required of him, he is a slave. The moment he does more, he is a free man.
—A. W. Robertson
FREE SPEECH
Why shouldn't speech be free? Very little of it is worth anything.
To say what you think will certainly damage you in society, but a free tongue is worth more than a thousand invitations. —Logan Pearsall Smith
FREE VERSE
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. —Robert Frost
FRENCH
Maybe the French will get a manned craft into space if they can get a rocket strong enough to lift a bottle of wine. —David Brinkley
FRICTION
Change means movement, movement means friction, friction means heat, and heat means controversy. The only place where there is no friction is in outer space or a seminar on political action. —Saul Alinsky
FRIENDS
You can always tell a real friend: When you've made a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.
A true friend laughs at your stories even when they're not so good and sympathizes with your troubles even when they're not so bad.
To accept a favor from a friend is to confer one. —John Churton Collins
Anyone can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend's success. —Oscar Wilde
Your friend is the man who knows all about you and still likes you. —Elbert Hubbard
To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him, two. —Norman Douglas
He who is his own friend is a friend to all men. —Seneca
If a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it. —Ed How
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. —Walter Winchell
You can't eat your friends and have them too. —Budd Schulberg
If all men knew what each said of the other, there would not be four friends in the world. —Blaise Pascal
FRIENDSHIP
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. —Samuel Butler
Friendship, like gold, needs the acid test of adversity to determine its value.
The best way to keep friendships from breaking is not to drop them.
FROWNING
Keep frowning; some people may give you credit for thinking.
FUN
There is no fun in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
There ain't much fun in medicine, but there's a good deal of medicine in fun. —Josh Billings
FUNERAL
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. —Mark Twain
I did not attend his funeral, but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved it. —Mark Twain
The reason so many people turned up at his funeral is that they wanted to make sure he was dead.
FUNNY
You can teach taste and editorial sense, but the ability to say something funny is something I've never been able to teach anyone. —Abe Burrows
Some fellers' idea o' being funny is breakin' a few bones when they shake your hand. —Frank McKinney Hubbard
FUNNY BONE
The man and woman who can laugh at their love, who can kiss with smiles and embrace with chuckles, will outlast in mutual affection all the throat-lumpy, cow-eyed couples of their acquaintance. Nothing lives on so fresh and evergreen as the love with a funny bone.
You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was really made from his funny bone. —James M. Barrie
FUR COATS
Most fur coats come from the male animal.
FURNITURE
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was it was my own. —Les Dawson
FUTURE
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be. —Paul Valery
The future is never made any brighter by burning the candle at both ends.
GAMBLING
As long as a man follows the races, he is bound to be behind.
GAP
There was a gap between what went on in his mind and what came out of his mouth. —James M. Cain
GARAGES
If your garage is too small, you can always enlarge it by having your wife park your car.
GARBAGE
During the garbage strike here's how I got rid of my garbage: I gift wrapped it, left it in my car, and they stole it. —Henny Youngman
GARDENERS
Nothing discourages an amateur gardener like watching his family eat the entire garden at one meal.
Old gardeners never die; they just spade away.
GARDENING
The chief objection to gardening is that by the time your back gets used to it, your enthusiasm is gone.
I've had enough of gardening—I'm just about ready to throw in the trowel.
GARDEN OF EDEN
It wasn't an apple from the tree that started the trouble in the Garden of Eden; it was the pair on the ground.
GARDENS
I had great luck with my garden this year—nothing came up.
A garden is a thing of beauty and a job forever.
People who think they can run the earth should begin with a small garden.
GENIUS
Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. —Thomas A. Edison
Genius, in one respect, is like gold—numbers of persons are constantly writing about both, who have neither. —C. C. Colton
The mark of talent is to do the possible with ease; the mark of genius is to do the impossible with difficulty.
Nothing spoils a good party like a genius. —Elsa Maxwell
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered— either by themselves or by others. —Mark Twain
GENTLEMEN
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally. —Oliver Herford
A gentleman is a man who has trained himself to yawn in such a way that you think he is smiling at you.
The man who is always talking about being a gentleman never is one. —Robert S. Surtees
To be born a gentleman is an accident; to die a gentleman is an achievement.
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
GENTLENESS
The one human characteristic that can make a person stand out above all others in a group is a mannerism of complete gentleness.
GIVING
From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life. —Arthur Ashe
GOALS
Whenever you have an aim, you must sacrifice something of freedom to attain it. —Somerset Maugham
GOD
God is not a cosmic bellboy for whom we can press a button to get things. —Harry Emerson Fosdick
Nobody talks so constantly about God as those who insist that there is no God. —Heywood Broun
God created man in his own image, says the Bible, and the philosophers do just the opposite—they create God in theirs. —George Lichtenberg
Some people want an affidavit from God that he really exists. —Danny Thomas
If God is dead, who will save the queen?
I am not concerned whether God is on my side or not, but I am concerned whether I am on God's side. —Abraham Lincoln
You need not tell a child that there is a God.
Many people deny that there is a God, our God, or the concept of God. But I have never met anybody who did not want there to be a God. —Viktor E. Frankl
What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive? —Irv Kupcinet
GOING OUT ON A LIMB
Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is? —Frank Scully
GOLF
The only way a minister can meet his flock is to join a golf club.
If you watch a game, it's fun; if you play it, it's recreation; if you work at it, it's golf.
Golf develops a beginner's self-control, but caddy-ing for a beginner develops it even more.
The greatest disappointment in a golfer's life is when he makes a hole-in-one without witnesses.
GOOD
The word good has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot but not necessarily a good man. —G. K. Chesterton
To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler—and less trouble. —Mark Twain
GOOD ACTIONS
The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth and to have it found out by accident. —Charles Lamb
GOOD BREEDING
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. —Mark Twain
GOOD EXAMPLES
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. —Mark Twain
GOOD FORTUNE
A man is never so on trial as in the moment of excessive good fortune. —Lew Wallace
GOOD LOSERS
Everyone likes a good loser, especially if he's on the other side.
GOODNESS
There are bad people who would be less dangerous if they were quite devoid of goodness. —Françs La Rochefoucauld
GOOD OLD DAYS
If you're yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air-conditioning.
—Griff Niblack
The good old days! I won't say I'm out of condition now—but I even puff going downstairs. —Dick Gregory
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory. —Franklin P. Adams
GOSSIP
Gossip is the only sound that travels faster than sound.
The difference between news and gossip lies in whether you raise your voice or lower it. —Franklin P. Jones
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. —Alice Roosevelt Longworth
There isn't much to be seen in a little town, but what you hear makes up for it. —Frank McKinney Hubbard
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them. —Will Rogers
Blessed are the hard of hearing for they shall miss much idle gossip.
Girl: "Of course I wouldn't say anything about her unless I could say something good. And, oh boy, is this good!" —Bill King
Usually when the woman who is talking lowers her voice, the woman who is listening raises her eyebrows.
The difference between gossip and news depends on whether you are telling it or hearing it.
A gossip's idea of generosity is to keep nothing to himself.
GOVERNMENT
It's getting harder and harder to support the government in the style to which it has become accustomed.
I don't make jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts. —Will Rogers
Government is like a baby—an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. —Ronald Reagan
One of the things we have to be thankful for is that we don't get as much government as we pay for. —Charles F. Kettering
I don't know what people have got against the government; they've done nothing. —Bob Hope
The government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top. —James Reston
You cannot get blood from a stone, but you can get a government grant to try. —Louis Phillips
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help."
GOVERNMENT GRANTS
Those who can't teach, teach the teachers. Those who can't teach the teachers get government grants.
GRAPEFRUIT
A: There's a lot of juice in this grapefruit. B: Yes—more than meets the eye!
GRAVITY
It's a good thing there's gravity or else when birds die, they'd stay where they were. —Steven Wright
GREATNESS
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others thrust greatness upon themselves.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others just grate.
GRIEF
Everyone can master a grief but he that has it. —William Shakespeare
GROCERS
Grocers do not groce.
GROSS IGNORANCE
Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance. —Bennett Cerf
GROWING OLDER
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has injured you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1,440 times a day. —Ambrose Bierce
GUESTS
The art of being a good guest is to know when to leave. —Prince Philip
Some guests spend most of the evening between the time they get up to say good-bye and the time they leave.
There are two kinds of guests: those who come after dinner and those who come after dinner.
GUINEA PIGS
Guinea pigs are not pigs, nor do they come from Guinea.
HABIT
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. —Mark Twain
The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. —Samuel Johnson
HABITS
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. —Mark Twain
The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits acquired during the first half. —Fyodor Dostoevski
HALO
A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.
HANDSOME
Twenty-four years ago, madam, I was incredibly handsome. The remains of it are still visible through the rift of time. I was so handsome that women became spellbound when I came in view. In San Francisco, in rainy seasons, I was frequently mistaken for a cloudless day. —Mark Twain
HANDWRITING ON THE WALL
When a man sees the handwriting on the wall, there's probably a child in the family.
HAPPINESS
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness. Poverty an' wealth have both failed. —Frank McKinney Hubbard
Happiness is a way station between too little and too much. —Charming Pollock
Gather the crumbs of happiness, and you will have a loaf of contentment.
Real happiness don't consist so much in what a man don't have as it does in what he don't want. —Josh Billings
Happiness is no laughing matter. —Richard Whately
Happiness is a habit. —Elbert Hubbard
Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. —Abraham Lincoln
If you would make a man happy, do not add to his possessions but subtract from his desires. —Seneca
HAPPY MOMENTS
Cherish all your happy moments; they make a fine cushion for old age. —Booth Tarkington
HARD WORK
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him, "Whose?" —Don Marqui
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Hard work never killed anybody, but it sure has scared a lot of folks to death.
HARVARD
You can always tell a Harvard man, but you cannot tell him much.
HATCHETS
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
HATRED
The man has no occasion to hate me—I can't recall that I ever did him a favor. —Benjamin Disraeli
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. —Harry Emerson Fosdick
HATS
A candidate needs four hats: one to cover his head, another to throw into the ring, a third to pass around, and finally one to talk through.
HEADLIGHTS
The faults of others are like headlights of an approaching car—they always seem more glaring than our own.
HEALTH
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. The average heart specialist can usually check the condition of his patient's heart simply by sending him a bill. —Mark Twain
Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. —Robert Orben
Nothing gives his friends more pleasure than when a health faddist becomes ill.
HEARSES
The driver of a hearse has the advantage of never having to put up with backseat driving. —Douglas Yates
HEART
Words that come from the heart enter the heart.
Trust your heart. . . . Never deny it a hearing. It is the kind of house oracle that often foretells the most important. —Balthasar Gracian
HEARTBURN
No country can touch us when it comes to heartburn and upset stomachs. This nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all, neutralizes more stomach acid in one day than the Soviet Union does in a year. We give more relief from discomfort of the intestinal tract than China and Japan combined.
HEAT
If you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen. —Harry S. Truman
HELL
The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in a time of great moral crisis maintain their neutrality. —Dante
There have been many definitions of hell, but for the English the best definition is that it is a place where the Germans are the police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defense force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers, the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish are the waiters, the Greeks run the government, and the common language is Dutch. —David Frost
I never give them hell. I just tell the truth, and they think it's hell. —Harry S. Truman
HELPING HAND
The man who is looking for a helping hand can always find one attached to his arm.
HEROES
We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. —Will Rogers
HESITATION
He who hesitates is not only lost but several miles from the next freeway exit.
HIGH HEELS
High heels—invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. —Christopher Morley
HIGHEST PRICE
The highest price we can pay for anything is to ask it. —W. S. Landor
HIGHLIGHTS
The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose. —Garrison Keillor
HIGHWAYS
Three-quarters of our population live in or near cities; the other quarter is on the highway looking for the exit.
HINDSIGHT
If the hindsight of some women was as good as their foresight, they wouldn't be wearing slacks.
If a man had half as much foresight as he has twice as much hindsight, he'd be a lot better off. —Robert J. Burdette
HISTORIANS
Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. —Herodotus
HISTORY
History is simply a piece of paper covered with print; the main thing is still to make history, not to write it. —Otto von Bismarck
HOLIDAYS
Holidays are often overrated disturbances of routine, costly and uncomfortable; and they usually need another holiday to correct their ravages.
—Edward Verrall Lucas
HOLLYWOOD
Hollywood is a city in the U.S. where someone is more likely to ask you who's whose than who's who.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. —Fred Allen
Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel. —Oscar Levant
As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives
So I figured I was pretty near Hollywood. —Jack Sharkey
HOME
Home is where you go when you're tired of being polite to people.
HONESTY
There's one way to find out if a man is honest: Ask him. If he says yes, you know he is crooked. —Mark Twain / Groucho Marx
Honesty is the best policy
. . . but not the cheapest.
. . . when there is money in it.
. . . most of the time.
. . . there's less competition.
—Mark Twain
HORSEBACK
There's nothing like your first horseback ride to make you feel better off.
HORSES
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. —Groucho Marx
I did not say this meat was tough. I just said I didn't see the horse that usually stands outside. —W. C. Fields
HOT MEALS
The last time I had a hot meal was when a candle fell in my TV dinner.
HOT WATER
If you find yourself in hot water, take a bath. —Henny Youngman
The teakettle is up to its neck in hot water but sings a merry tune.
HOUSEWORK
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again. —Joan Rivers
HUMANNESS
To err is human; to blame it on someone else is even more human.
The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend of both parties tactfully intervenes. —G. K. Chesterton
HUMBLE PIE
If humble pie has to be eaten, that's the best way to eat it—bolt it whole. —Maurice Hewlett
HUMOR
Humor is when the joke is on you but hits the other fellow first—before it boomerangs. —Langston Hughes
A man without mirth is like a wagon without springs. He is jolted disagreeably by every pebble in the road. —Henry Ward Beecher
Lord, give me a sense of humor that I may take some happiness from this life and share it with others. —Thomas Moore
When you've killed the sense of humor of a nation, you've killed the nation. —Red Skelton
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. —Larry Gelbart
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Few people are interested, and the frog dies. —E. B. White
There seems to be no limits to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them. They can't believe that anything could be so funny just on its own hook. —Robert Benchley
Good humor is the suspenders that keep our working clothes on.
Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. —James Thurber
Mark my words, when a society has to resort to the lavatory for its humor, the writing is on the wall. —Alan Bennett
HUMORISTS
Think of what would happen to us in America if there were no humorists; life would be one long Congressional Record. —Thomas L. Masson
HUSBANDS
Being a husband is like any other job—it helps if you like the boss.
Half a loafer is better than no husband at all. —Louis Safian
A husband's job is to keep talking to unexpected guests at the front gate while his wife straightens out the living room.
HUSTLES
Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits. —Thomas A. Edison
HYPOCHONDRIACS
A hypochondriac never gets cured of any disease until he acquires another.
A hypochondriac is one who has a pill for everything except what ails him.
IDEALISTS
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. —H. L. Mencken
IDEAL WIVES
An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband. —Booth Tarkington
IDEAL WOMAN
The ideal woman . . . the dream of a man who will be a bachelor all his life. —W. Burton Baldry
IDEAS
There is no defense, except stupidity, against the impact of a new idea. —P. W. Bridgman
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it. —Sam Goldwyn
Ideas are like children: There are none so wonderful as your own.
I am long on ideas but short on time.
IDLE WORDS
As we must account for every idle word, so we must for every idle silence. —Benjamin Franklin
IGNORANCE
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
You can't underestimate the ignorance of some people.
Every now and then you meet a man whose ignorance is encyclopedic. —Stanislaw J. Lee
What you don't know would make a great book. —Sydney Smith
What he doesn't know would make a library anybody would be proud of.
He was distinguished for ignorance, for he had only one idea, and that was wrong. —Benjamin Disraeli
There is only one thing more widely distributed than experience, and that is ignorance.
When ignorance gets started, it knows no bounds. —Will Rogers
Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. —Mark Twain
I'm still waiting for some college to come up with a march protesting student ignorance. —Paul Larmer
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. —William G. McAdoo
IGNORE
I don't pay any attention to him. I don't even ignore him. —Sam Goldwyn
IMAGINATION
His imagination resembled the wings of an ostrich. It enabled him to run, though not to soar. —Thomas Babington Macaulay
IMBALANCED
One out of four people in this country is mentally imbalanced. Think of your three closest friends— if they seem okay, then you're the one. —Ann Landers
IMITATION
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. —Eric Hoffer
IMPATIENCE
The man who hasn't time to stop at a railroad crossing always finds time to attend the funeral.
IMPOSSIBLE
Blessed are they who have learned to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable.
IMPROMPTU SPEECHES
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. —Mark Twain
IN AND OUT
A woman shopping in a department store noticed that the clerk behind the complaint desk smiled at everyone who talked to her and kept her voice low and pleasant, even when irate customers spoke rudely to her. The shopper was amazed at the way the woman kept her cool. Then she noticed the clerk's dark earrings. On one, in white lettering, was inscribed "In," and on the other, "Out."
INANIMATE OBJECTS
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost. —Russell Baker
INCOME
The two most important things about your income are: Make it first, and then make it last.
INCOME TAX
Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.
The income tax is a neat plan devised to clean you out of your filthy lucre.
Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf. —Will Rogers
INCOMPETENCE
If at first you don't succeed, you may be at your level of incompetence already. —Laurence J. Peter
INDECISION
His indecision is final.
INDEPENDENCE
Some husbands assert their independence by refusing to wear an apron while doing the dishes.
INDIFFERENCE
Nothing is so fatal to religion as indifference, which is, at least, half infidelity. —Edmund Burke
I don't care about that; it rolls off my back like a
duck.
—Samuel Goldwyn
INDISPENSABLE
The graveyards are full of indispensable men. —Charles de Gaulle
If you feel that you are indispensable, put your finger in a glass of water, withdraw it, and note the hole you have left.
INFLATION
Invest in inflation. It's the only thing going up. —Will Rogers
Inflation has created a new economic problem: windfall poverty.
A little inflation is like a little pregnancy—it keeps on growing. —Leon Henderson
INHERITANCE
Never say you know another entirely until you have divided an inheritance with him. —Johann Kaspar Lavater
INSANITY
In things pertaining to enthusiasm, no man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions. —Henry Ward Beecher
Insanity is hereditary—you get it from your
children.
—Sam Levenson
INSECTS
When the insects take over the world, we hope they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics. —Bill Vaughan
INSOLENCE
Prosperity is the surest breeder of insolence I know. —Mark Twain
INSOMNIA
Insomnia: a contagious disease transmitted from babies to parents.
His insomnia was so bad he couldn't sleep even during office hours. —Arthur Baer
INSPIRING
He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages. —Mark Twain
INSUFFERABLE
When a man is young, he is so wild he is insufferable. When he is old, he plays the saint and becomes insufferable again. —Nikolai Gogol
INTELLIGENCE
An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it. —Laurence J. Peter
INTELLIGENT LIFE
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. —Bill Watterson
INTENTIONS
The hardest task in a girl's life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious. —Helen Rowland
INTUITION
Intuition: that strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not.
IQ
When your IQ rises to 28, sell. —Professor Irwin Corey
IRONS IN THE FIRE
The man who has too many irons in the fire usually gets his fingers burned.
IRRITATING
There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. —Don Herold
IRS
The three Rs of the Internal Revenue Service: This is ours; that is ours; everything is ours.
Whoever said you can't take it with you must have been an IRS agent.
JAYWALKING
For that tired, run-down feeling, try jaywalking.
JEALOUSY
Love may be blind, but jealousy sees too much.
JEWELRY
Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles. —Sonja Henie
JIGSAW
They call him "Jigsaw" because every time he's faced with a problem, he goes to pieces.
JOBS
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. —Harry S. Truman
The feeling that you've done a job well is rewarding; the feeling that you've done it perfectly is fatal.
The ugliest of trades have their moments of enjoyment. If I were a gravedigger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a good deal of enjoyment. —Douglas Jerrold
JOKES
For every ten jokes, thou has got an hundred enemies. —Laurence Sterne
JOURNALISM
Literature is the art of writing something that will be read twice; journalism what will be read once. —Cyril Connolly
JOURNALISTS
Journalists say a thing that they know isn't true in the hope that if they keep on saying it long enough it will be true. —Arnold Bennett
JOY
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. —Mark Twain
JUDAS
Still as of old, men by themselves are priced— For thirty pieces Judas sold himself, not Christ. —Hester H. Cholmodeley
JUDGMENT
The man who is forever criticizing his wife's judgment never seems to question her choice of a husband.
JUDO
The Japanese have a word for it. It's judo—the art of conquering by yielding. The Western equivalent of judo is "Yes, dear." —J. P. McEvoy
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
I am no athlete, but at one sport I used to be an expert. It was a dangerous game called 'jumping to conclusions." —Eddie Cantor
JURY DUTY
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. —Norm Crosby
The jury system puts a ban upon intelligence and honesty and a premium upon ignorance, stupidity, and perjury. —Mark Twain
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. —Mark Twain
KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level—it's cheaper. —Quentin Crisp
About the time you catch up with the Joneses, they start to refinance.
KEEPING YOUR HEAD
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. —Jean Kerr
KEEPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT
An open mouth has a tendency to invite a foot.
Keep your mouth shut, and you will never put your foot in it.
Breathe through your nose—it keeps the mouth shut.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. —Mark Twain
As you go through life, you are going to have many opportunities to keep your mouth shut. Take advantage of all of them.
KIDS
I've seen kids ride bicycles, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim, and race for eight hours . . . yet have to be driven to the garbage can. —Erma Bombeck
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot—but I always found them. —Rodney Dangerfield
KINDERGARTEN
Children start kindergarten these days with a big advantage: They already know two letters of the alphabet—TV.
KINDNESS
One of the most difficult things to give away is kindness—it is usually returned.
KINDS OF PEOPLE
There will always be two kinds of people: those who say what they think, and those who keep their friends.
There are four types of men in this world:
The man who knows and knows that he knows; he is wise, so consult him.
The man who knows but doesn't know that he knows; help him not forget what he knows.
The man who knows not and knows that he knows not; teach him.
Finally, there is the man who knows not but pretends that he knows; he is a fool, so avoid him. —Solomon Ibn Gabirol
KISSES
The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo lasts a great deal longer. —Oliver Wendell Holmes
KITCHEN SINK
Before marriage he promised her everything but the kitchen sink; after marriage the kitchen sink was all she got. —Richard Needham
KLEPTOMANIA
Kleptomaniac: a person who helps himself because he can't help himself. —Henry Morgan
KNAVES
Who friendship with a knave has made Is judged a partner in the trade. —John Gay
KNOWLEDGE
Strange how much you've got to know before you know how little you know.
Knowledge rests not upon truth alone but upon error also. —C. G. Jung
Since we cannot know all that is to be known of anything, we ought to know a little about everything. —Blaise Pascal
The less you know about a subject, the longer it takes you to explain it.
Universities are full of knowledge: The freshmen bring a little in, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. —Abbott Lawrence Lowell
LABOR DAY
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day weekend. —Doug Larson
LACK OF HUMOR
Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor? —Frank Moore Colby
LANGUAGE
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. —Robert Benchley
LATENESS
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. —E. V. Lucas
LAUGHTER
If you're not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there. —Martin Luther
He who laughs last just got the joke.
Laughter is not a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is the best ending for one. —Oscar Wilde
Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one spot. —Josh Billings
Strange, when you come to think of it, that of all the countless folk who have lived before our time on this planet not one is known in history or in legend as having died of laughter. —Max Beerbohm
LAW
We are in bondage to the law in order that we may be free. —Cicero
LAWYERS
A lawyer will do anything to win a case. Sometimes he will even tell the truth. —Patrick Murray
Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting his bill.
Personally, I don't think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You've got to work on his conscience. And his lack of conscience is what makes him a lawyer. —Will Rogers
A lawyer is a learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it for himself. —Lord Brougham
Here's an amazing story: A man in Orlando, Florida, was hit by eight cars in a row, and only one stopped. The first seven drivers thought he was a lawyer. The eighth was a lawyer. —Jay Leno
Why is it that when you need a lawyer, you can always find one?
Talk is cheap . . . except when you hire a lawyer. —Joey Adams
If the thing a man wants to do is right, he goes ahead and does it. If it is wrong, he consults an attorney.
If God helped those who help themselves, those who help themselves wouldn't have to hire expensive lawyers. —Leo Rosten
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. —William Shakespeare
If a man dies and leaves his estate in an uncertain condition, the lawyers become his heirs. —Ed Howe
Last winter it was so cold that lawyers walked around with their hands in their own pockets.
There are three reasons why lawyers are replacing rats as laboratory research animals: One is that they are plentiful, another is that the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and the third is that they will do things you just can't get rats to do. —Blanche Knott
I wanted to make it a law that only those lawyers and attorneys should receive fees who had won their cases. How much litigation would have been prevented by such a measure! —Napoleon Bonaparte
LEADERSHIP
Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
If two ride on a horse, one must ride behind. —William Shakespeare
I must follow them. I am their leader. —Andrew Bonar
There are two kinds of leaders in the world—some are interested in the fleeces, others in the flock.
When you are getting kicked from the rear, it means you're in front. —Bishop Fulton J. Sheen
The person who knows how will always have a job. But the person who knows why will be boss. —Carl Wood
LEARNING
A little learning is a dangerous thing, but at college it is the usual thing.
The important thing is not so much that every child should be taught as that every child should be given the wish to learn. —John Lubbock
Learning is not child's play; we cannot learn without pain. —Aristotle
Swallow all your learning in the morning, but digest it in company in the evenings. —Lord Chesterfield
LEGISLATURES
Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, that don't hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous. —Will Rogers
LEISURE
Leisure is the two minutes' rest a man gets while his wife is thinking up something else for him to do.
LENDING BOOKS
Never lend books, for no one ever returns them; the only books I have in my library are books that other folk have lent me. —Anatole France
The definition of a rare volume is a returned book.
LESSONS
It seems like one o' the hardest lessons t' be learned in this life is where your business ends an' somebody else's begins.
LEVITY
A little levity will save many a good heavy thing from sinking. —Samuel Butler
LIARS
Even a liar tells a hundred truths to one lie; he has to, to make the lie good for anything. —Henry Ward Beecher
LIBERALS
A liberal mind is a mind that is able to imagine itself believing anything. —Max Eastman
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. —Willis Player
A liberal is a man who is willing to spend somebody else's money. —Senator Carter Glass
A liberal is a man who leaves the room when thefight begins. —Heywood Broun
As usual the Liberals offer a mixture of sound and original ideas. Unfortunately, none of the sound ideas is original and none of the original ideas is sound. —Harold Macmillan
LIBERTY
Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it. —George Bernard Shaw
LIES
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. —Mark Twain
A lie always needs a truth for a handle to it. The worst lies are those whose blade is false but whose handle is true. —Henry Ward Beecher
You can't tell—maybe a fish goes home and lies about the size of the man he got away from.
Those who feel it is okay to tell white lies soon go color-blind.
LIFE
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
Life cannot wait until the sciences may have explained the universe scientifically. We cannot put off living until we are ready. The most salient characteristic of life is its coerciveness: It is always urgent, "here and now," without any possible postponement. Life is fired at us point-blank.
If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life. —Albert Camus
The best things in life aren't things. —Art Buchwald
Life must be understood backwards. But... it must be lived forward. —Søren Kierkegaard
Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans. —Robert Balzer
Life is like a shower: One false move, and you're in hot water.
Life begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
Life is like a taxi ride: The meter keeps on ticking whether you're getting anywhere or not.
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. —Fran Lebowitz
The first forty years of life give us the text, the next thirty the commentary. —Arthur Schopenhauer
Life is made up of sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating. —O. Henry
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
Live each day as if it were your last. . . and someday you will be right. —Thomas Ken
LIPS
If your lips you would keep from slips, Five things observe with care: Of whom you speak, to whom you speak, And how and when and where.
Once a word has left one's lips, even a team of four horses cannot overtake it.
LITERATURE
Literature is a very bad crutch but a very good walking stick. —Charles Lamb
LONESOMENESS
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. —Oscar Levant
LONG STORIES
To make a long story short, there's nothing like having the boss walk in. —Doris Lilly
When a fellow says, "Well, to make a long story short," it's too late. —Don Herold
LOOKING BACK
If you look back too much, you will soon be heading that way.
LOOKS
He gave her a look you could've poured on a waffle. —Ring Lardner
She looked, as far as her clothes went, as though she had been pulled through brambles and then pushed through a thin tube. —Gwyn Thomas
LOS ANGELES
The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt has real culture. —Tom Taussik
LOVE
No woman ever hates a man for being in love with her, but many a woman hates a man for being a friend to her. —Alexander Pope
Love is an ocean of emotions surrounded by expenses. —Lord Dewar
Love blinds us to faults, but hatred blinds us to virtues. —Ibn Ezra
If Jack's in love, he's no judge of Jill's beauty. —Benjamin Franklin
Love may be blind, but it certainly finds its way around in the dark.
Love is like the measles: We all have to go through it.
Love and a cough cannot be hid. —George Herbert
Life is just one foolish thing after another, and love is just two foolish things after each other.
Some people are born silly, some acquire silliness, and others fall in love.
Love is the only fire against which there is no insurance.
When in love try not to say foolish things; if you succeed, you are not in love.
Love is that funny feeling you feel when you feel that you have a feeling you have never felt before.
Love is like the measles: We can have it but once, and the later in life we have it, the tougher it goes with us. —Josh Billings
Love often makes a fool of the cleverest men and as often gives cleverness to the most foolish.
Love cures people—both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. —Dr. Karl Menninger
Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by
marriage.
—Dr. Karl Bowman
LUCID
Ordinarily he is insane, but he has lucid moments when he is only stupid. —Heinrich Heine
LUGGAGE
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. —Mark Russell
LYING
Lying is like trying to hide in a fog: If you move about you're in danger of bumping your head against the truth, and as soon as the fog blows off, you are gone anyhow. —Josh Billings
MAJOR PROBLEMS
My wife and I made a bargain many years ago that in order to live harmoniously, I would decide all the major problems and she would decide all the unimportant problems. So far, in our twenty-five years of matrimony, we have never had any major problems. —Judge Jonah Goldstein
MAKING A LIVING
The world would be a pleasant place if there weren't so many fools in it, but it would be harder to make a living.
MAKING THINGS HAPPEN
Some people make things happen, some watch things happen, while others wonder what has happened.
MAN
We need not worry so much about what man descends from—it's what he descends to that shames the human race. —Mark Twain
Man is certainly stark mad. He cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by the dozen. —Michel de Montaigne
Man, an ingenious assembly of portable plumbing. —Christopher Morley
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. —Samuel Butler
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. —Natalie Wood
MANAGEMENT
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. —Frank McKinney Hubbard
MANNERS
I don't recall your name, but your manners are familiar. —Oliver Herford
The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones. —Solomon Ibn Gabirol
If a man has good manners and is not afraid of other people, he will get by even if he is stupid. —Sir David Eccles
MARRIAGE
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. —Michel de Montaigne
Nowadays it's a happy marriage when the couple are as deeply in love as they are in debt.
We sleep in separate rooms; we have dinner apart; we take separate vacations. We're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. —Rodney Dangerfield
The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
Before marriage a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it. —Helen Rowland
A happy marriage is a long conversation that seems all too short. —André Maurois
Marriage is an institution. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. —F. M. Knowles
Marriage is an institution where he rules the roost and she rules the rooster.
It resembles a pair of shears so joined that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them. —Sydney Smith
The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters. —Harold Nicholson
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. —Rodney Dangerfield
The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults. —Peter De Vries
If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
Before marriage a man declares he will be master in his own house or know the reason why; after marriage he knows the reason why.
MARRIAGE PROPOSALS
Hardly any woman reaches the age of thirty without having been asked to marry at least twice— once by her father, once by her mother.
MASS MEDIA
The mass media know their reports are worth nothing compared to the eye and voice of a serious writer. Like cowardly bulls, people in the mass media paw the ground when one comes near. —Norman Mailer
MATHEMATICS
Mathematics—a wonderful science, but it hasn't yet come up with a way to divide one tricycle between three small boys. —Earl Wilson
MEANNESS
Remember, the end never really justifies the meanness.
MEDITATION
My son has taken up meditation. At least it's better than sitting around doing nothing.
MEMORY
Memory is the diary we all carry about with us. —Oscar Wilde
Memory is a marvelous thing—it enables you to remember a mistake each time you repeat it. —Max Kauffmann
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not. —Mark Twain
"I did that," says my memory. "I could not have done that," says my pride, and remains inexorable. Eventually—the memory yields. —Friedrich Wilhelm
I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on. —Beryl Pfizer
Own only what you can always carry with you: Know languages, know countries, know people. Let your memory be your travel bag. —Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
MEN
Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves. —Gene Fowler
Men are not flattered by being shown that there has been a difference of purpose between the Almighty and them. —Abraham Lincoln
Men are nervous of remarkable women. —James M. Barrie
MIDAS TOUCH
She had the Midas touch. Everything she touched turned into a muffler. —Lisa Smerling
MIDDLE AGE
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. —Ogden Nash
Middle age has arrived when a man's idea of get-up-and-go is going to bed.
Middle age is when a man figures he has enough financial security to wear the flashy sports coats he didn't have the courage to wear when he was young. —Bill Vaughan
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. —Bob Hope
Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9 p.m.
Middle age is the time of life when a man starts blaming the cleaners because his suits are shrinking.
Middle age is when you hope nobody will invite you out next Saturday night.
Middle age is the period when a woman's hair starts turning from gray to black.
Middle age is the time in life when you are determined to cut down on your calories—one of these days.
Don't worry about middle age; you'll outgrow it.
MIDDLE OF THE ROAD
We all know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
The middle of the road is where the yellow line is—and that's the worst place to drive.
MILK AND HONEY
The land of milk and honey has its drawbacks: You can get kicked by a cow and stung by a bee.
MILLIONAIRES
All a man has to do to become a millionaire in America is invent a low-calorie diet that tastes good.
MIMES
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
MIND
The mind is like a TV set: When it goes blank, it's a good idea to turn off the sound.
MINOR OPERATIONS
A minor operation is one that was performed on someone else.
MIRTH
Mirth is God's medicine. —Henry Ward Beecher
MISERS
A miser is a guy who lives within his income. He's also called a magician.
MISSING LINK
The evolutionists seem to know everything about the missing link except the fact that it is missing. —G. K. Chesterton
MISTAKES
The man who boasts he never made a mistake is often married to a woman who did.
When you make a mistake, admit it. If you don't, you only make matters worse. —Ward Cleaver
Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all by yourself.
Show me a man who makes no mistakes, and I will show you a man who doesn't do things. —Theodore Roosevelt
In order to profit from your mistakes, you have to get out and make some. —Leroy B. Houghton
The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. —Frank Lloyd Wright
Wise men learn by other men's mistakes, fools by their own.
The man who makes no mistakes usually does not make anything,
MODESTY
Modesty is the only sure bait when you angle for praise. —Lord Chesterfield
MONEY
I once had money and a friend;
My friend was short of cash.
I lent my money to my friend.
(Did I do something rash?)
I sought my money from my friend,
Which I had wanted long.
I lost my money and my friend.
(Did I do something wrong?)
When your outgo exceeds your income, your upkeep will be your downfall.
Not many Americans have been around the world, but their money sure has. —Walter Slezak
If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some. —Benjamin Franklin
No man's credit is as good as his money. —Henry Van Dyke
Money may not buy friends, but it certainly gives you a better class of enemies.
Two can live as cheaply as one—and today they have to.
Two can live as cheaply as one—for half as long. Today a dollar saved is a quarter earned.
Among the things that money can't buy is what it used to. —Max Kauffmann
If you have money, you are wise and good-looking and can sing well, too.
Those who set out to serve both God and mammon soon discover that there is no God. —Logan Pearsall Smith
Never ask of money spent
Where the spender thinks it went.
Nobody was ever meant
To remember or invent
What he did with every cent. —Robert Frost
Money can't buy happiness, but it helps you to look for it in many more places.
Money may not buy happiness, but with it you can be unhappy in comfort.
Money talks, but most of us can't keep it long enough to hear what it says.
Money talks—it says good-bye.
Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it. —Frank McKinney Hubbard
A fool may make money, but it needs a wise man to spend it. —Charles Spurgeon
Put your hand quickly to your hat and slowly to your purse. —Danish Proverb
Men who are ashamed of the way their fathers made their money are never ashamed to spend it.
MONSTERS
Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you. —Friedrich Nietzsche
MORNING
The horror of getting up is unparalleled, and I am filled with amazement every morning when I find that I have done it. —Lytton Strachey
MOTHERS-IN-LAW
Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. —Henny Youngman
There are only three basic jokes, but since the mother-in-law joke is not a joke but a very serious question, there are only two. —George Ade
Adam was the luckiest man: He had no mother-in-law. —Mark Twain
MOTIVATION
The motivation that makes some women keep in shipshape is other women who are seeworthy.
Those who think they can't are generally right.
MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS
Mountain climbers always rope themselves together, probably to prevent the sensible ones from going home.
MOVIES
The movie was so bad that people were standing in line to get out.
MUD
He who slings mud generally loses ground.
MULES
You can't make a racehorse out of a mule.
MUSIC
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. —Igor Stravinsky
The music at a wedding procession always reminds me of the music of soldiers going into battle. —Heinrich Heine
MYSTERIES
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
One of the mysteries of human conduct is why adult men and women are ready to sign documents they do not read, at the behest of salesmen they do not know, binding them to pay for articles they do not want, with money they do not have. —Gerald Hurst
NAMES
I can't remember your name, but don't tell me. —Alexander Woolicott
I can't remember your name, but your breath is familiar.
The sweetest sound to anyone's ear is the sound of his own name. —Dale Carnegie
I think it is a terrible thing to go around dropping names, as the president remarked to me this last week.
NATIONAL BIRD
Our national bird is the eagle, with the stork a close second.
NECESSITY
Start doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible. —St. Francis of Assisi
Necessity, my friend, is the mother of courage, as of invention. —Sir Walter Scott
NECKTIES
Neckties strangle clear thinking.
NEIGHBORS
Don't talk about your neighbors; if your jaw needs exercise, chew gum.
NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS
Most of us are pretty good at postponing our nervous breakdowns until we can afford them.
NEUROTICS
A psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5. A neurotic knows that 2 + 2 = 4. He just can't stand it.
Neurotic means he is not as sensible as I am, and psychotic means he's even worse than my brother-in-law. —Karl Menninger
NEVER DIE
Old jokes never die; they just sound that way. Old ladies never die; they just play bingo.
Old landlords sometimes die but are quickly replaced with real estate management companies.
Old mailmen never die; they just lose their zip.
Old physicians never die; they just lose their patients.
Old refrigerators never die; they just lose their cool.
Old rock hounds never die; they just petrify.
Old salesmen never die; they just go out of commission.
Old textbooks never die; they just get paraphrased.
NEWS
How can news be old?
NEWSPAPERS
Everything you read in the newspaper is absolutely true, except for that rare story of which you happen to have firsthand knowledge. —Erwin Knoll
I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. —Aneurin Bevan
He had been kicked in the head by a mule when young and believed everything he read in the Sunday papers. —George Ade
I do not take a single newspaper nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it. —Thomas Jefferson
The art of newspaper paragraphing is to stroke a platitude until it purrs like an epigram. —Don Marquis
The man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them, inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors. —Thomas Jefferson
I keep reading between the lies. —Goodman Ace
"The papers are not always reliable," Lincoln interjected. "That is to say, Mr. Welles, they lie and then they re-lie." —Carl Sandburg
I became a newspaperman. I hated to do it, but I couldn't find honest employment. —Mark Twain
NICENESS
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. —Michael Arlen
NOAH
I was told by a person who said that he was studying for the ministry that even Noah got no salary for the first six months—partly on account of the weather and partly because he was learning navigation. —Mark Twain
NOBODY
Who is wise? He that learns from everyone. Who is powerful? He that governs his passions. Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody. —Benjamin Franklin
NOBODY CARES
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. —Earl Wilson
NOISE
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. —Mark Twain
NOSTALGIA
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
NOTHING
He who says nothing never lies.
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it. —Michael Davis
When you have nothing to say, say nothing. —Charles Colton
NOVELS
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
A good novel tells the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. —G. K. Chesterton
There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. —W. Somerset Maugham
NUTS
The nut doesn't fall far from its tree.
OBITUARIES
Everybody is a potential murderer. I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices. —Clarence Darrow
OBNOXIOUSNESS
Arrogant, pompous, obnoxious, vain, cruel, persecuting, distasteful, verbose, a show-off. I have been called all of these. Of course I am. —Howard Cosell
OBSCURITY
The distance from obscurity to fame is much longer than from fame to obscurity.
OCTOPUSES
What's worse than an octopus with tennis elbow? A centipede with athlete's foot.
OLD AGE
You'll know you're old when everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. —George Burns
My, my—sixty-five! I guess this marks the first day of the rest of our life savings.
He's so old his blood type was discontinued.
Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. —Groucho Marx
You know you're getting older when the happy hour is a nap.
The greatest problem about old age is the fear that it may go on too long.
For the ignorant, old age is winter; for the learned, it is the harvest.
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now, and soon I shall be so that I cannot remember anything but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this, but we all have to do it. —Mark Twain
OLDER GENERATION
The older generation thinks nothing of getting up at six in the morning—and the younger generation doesn't think much of it either.
OLD JOKES
If Adam were on earth again, the only thing he would recognize would be the old jokes and quotes.
OLD LETTERS
One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they need no answer. —Lord Byron
ONCE UPON A TIME ...
No more powerful, alluring words have ever been invented by the human race than these four: "Once upon a time. ..."
ONE THING
The quickest way to do many things is to do only one thing at a time.
OPERA
People are wrong when they say that opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what is wrong with it. —Noel Coward
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings. —Ed Gardner
OPINIONS
Nobody agrees with the opinion of others; one merely agrees with one's own opinion expressed by others.
It is a difference of opinion that makes horse races. —Mark Twain
OPPORTUNITIES
We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems. —John W. Gardner
Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them.
Keep yourself from opportunity, and God will keep you from sins.
When opportunity knocks, some people wait for it to break the door down and come in.
OPPOSITION
You can measure a man by the opposition it takes to discourage him. —Robert C. Savage
OPTIMISTS
The optimist makes his own heaven and enjoys it as he goes through life. The pessimist makes his own hell and suffers as he goes through life. —William C. Hunter
An optimist is a man who will wink at a pretty girl and think that his wife won't see him.
An optimist is a man who hurries because he thinks his date is waiting for him.
ORDEALS
Many a woman who marries her ideal soon discovers that he's her ordeal.
ORDERLINESS
Those proud of keeping an orderly desk never know the thrill of finding something they thought they had irretrievably lost. —Helen Exley
An orderly desk is the sign of a sick mind.
ORIGINALITY
Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. —Samuel Johnson
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
ORPHANS
At six I was left an orphan. What on earth is a six-year-old supposed to do with an orphan?
He reminds me of the man who murdered both of his parents, and then when sentence was about to be pronounced pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan. —Abraham Lincoln
OTHERS
At twenty we worry about what others think of us; at forty we don't care about what others think of us; at sixty we discover they haven't been thinking about us at all.
We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how little they do.
If I am like others, who will be like me?
OUR TOWN
Here's to our town—a place where people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like. —Lewis C. Henry
OWLS
Owls are not really wise—they only look that way. The owl is a sort of college professor. —Elbert Hubbard
PAIRS
We wear a pair of pants but never a pair of shirts.
PARADISE LOST
Paradise Lost is a book that, once put down, is very hard to pick up again. —Samuel Johnson
PARANOIA
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet. —Rodney Dangerfield
PARKING
Don't complain about the traffic: If there were fewer cars on the road, it would be even harder to find a parking place.
He who does not remember the past forgets where he parked his car.
PATIENCE
Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience. —Frank McKinney Hubbard
Beware the fury of a patient man. —John Dryden
PAVLOV
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
PEACE AND QUIET
A phoneless cord—for people who like peace and quiet.
PEACE OF MIND
Peace of mind is better than giving them "a piece of your mind." —J. P. McEvoy
PEDESTALS
The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when men discovered that women could give orders better from that position.
PEDESTRIANS
In some parts of the world, people still pray in the streets. In this country they're called pedestrians. —Gloria Pitzer
PEDIGREE
Generally when a man brags about his pedigree, he has nothings else to brag about.
PEOPLE
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious. —Oscar Wilde
People are like plants: Some go to seed with age, and others to pot.
PERHAPS
A pinch of probably is worth a pound of perhaps. —James Thurber
PERMISSIVENESS
Permissiveness is the principle of treating children as if they were adults and the tactic of making sure they never reach that stage. —Thomas Szasz
PESSIMISTS
A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists. —C. T. Jones
PHD'S
The average PhD thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another. —J. Frank Dobie
PHILOSOPHERS
There is no opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
I have tried in my time to be a philosopher; but I don't know how, cheerfulness was always breaking in. —Oliver Edwards
There is no record in human history of a happy philosopher.
PHONE CALLS
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. —Johnny Carson
PHYSICAL FITNESS
As a nation we are dedicated to keeping physically fit—and parking as close to the stadium as possible. —Bill Vaughan
PHYSICIANS
We may lay it down as a maxim that when a nation abounds in physicians it grows thin of people. —Joseph Addison
The blunders of physicians are covered by the earth.
I die by the help of too many physicians. —Alexander the Great
Physicians think they do a lot for a patient when they give his disease a name. —Immanuel Kant
PICKING UP THE TAB
It may be expensive to reach for the check, but it gets you home earlier.
PITY
Better to be envied than pitied. —Herodotus
PLAGIARISM
If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research. —Wilson Mizner
PLAYS
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions: The curtain was up. —Groucho Marx
It was the sort of play that gives failures a bad name. —Walter Kerr
It was one of those plays in which the actors, unfortunately, enunciated very clearly. —Robert Benchley
PLEASURE
The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. —Walter Bagehot
Follow pleasure, and then will pleasure flee, Flee pleasure, and pleasure will follow thee. —John Heywood
PLEDGES
To make a pledge of any kind is to declare war against nature; for a pledge is a chain that is always clanking and reminding the wearer of it that he is not a free man. —Mark Twain
POEMS
My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days hath September" because it actually tells you something. —Groucho Marx
Robert Creeley's poems have two main characteristics: (1) They are short; (2) they are not short enough. —John Simon
Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. —Don Marquis
Then he asked the question that you are all itching to ask me: "How can you tell good poetry from bad?" I answered: "How does one tell good fish from bad? Surely by the smell. Use your nose." —Robert Graves
POETS
Poets all have imagination because they imagine people are going to read their poems.
POLITENESS
Politeness: the most acceptable hypocrisy. —Ambrose Bierce
POLITICIANS
I know a politician who believes that there are two sides to every question—and takes them both. —Ken Murray
Figures don't lie, except political figures.
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. —Simon Cameron
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him. —Charles de Gaulle
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. —Doug Larson
A politician is a man who approaches every question with an open mouth. —Adlai Stevenson
When a politician is on the fence, the fence is really a hedge.
I find honorary degrees always tempting, and often bad for me: tempting because we all—even ex-politicians—hope to be mistaken for scholars, and bad because if you then make a speech, the mistake is quickly exposed. —Adlai Stevenson
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other 10 percent a bad reputation. —Henry Kissinger
POLITICS
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. —Robert Louis Stevenson
I looked up the word politics in the dictionary, and it's actually a combination of two words: poli, which means "many" and tics, which means "bloodsuckers." —Jay Leno
POSITIVE
Positive: being mistaken at the top of one's voice. —Ambrose Bierce
POSTAGE STAMPS
We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. —James Edward Day
POVERTY
One thing you can say for poverty—it's inexpensive.
I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy, I was deprived. Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary. —Jules Feiffer
The rich get richer, and the poor get children.
The advantage of being poor is that a doctor will cure you faster.
POWER
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. —Abraham Lincoln
I am more and more convinced that man is a dangerous creature and that power, whether vested in many or a few, is ever grasping and like the grace, cries, "Give, give." —Abigail Adams
Power intoxicates men. When a man is intoxicated by alcohol, he can recover, but when he is intoxicated by power, he seldom recovers. —James F. Byrnes
PRACTICE
If you think practice makes perfect, you don't have a child taking piano lessons.
PRAISE
The advantage of doing one's praising for oneself is that one can lay it on so thick and exactly in the right places. —Samuel Butler
We run ourselves down so as to be praised by others. —Françs La Rochefoucauld
Try praising your wife even if it does frighten her at first. —Billy Sunday
PRAYER
There are only two occasions when Americans respect privacy, especially in presidents. Those are prayer and fishing. So that some have taken to fishing. —Herbert Hoover
Some people will say anything except their prayers.
PREACHERS
When I hear a man preach, I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees. —Abraham Lincoln
He charged nothing for his preaching, and it was worth it, too. —Mark Twain
PREJUDICE
Prejudice is never easy unless it can pass itself off for reason. —William Hazlitt
One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring. —H. L. Mencken
A prejudiced person is one who doesn't believe in the same things we do. —Art Linkletter
PRESERVATIVES
Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get. —Robert Orben
PRIDE
There is a paradox in pride: It makes some men ridiculous but prevents others from becoming so. —C. C. Cotton
Pride is at the bottom of all great mistakes. —John Ruskin
When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package. —John Ruskin
PRINCIPLES
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. —Alfred Adler
PRIVILEGE
It is the privilege of adults to give advice. It is the privilege of youth not to listen. Both avail themselves of their privileges, and the world rocks along. —D. Sutten
PROBLEMS
It is easy to bear another person's problems.
I have problems flown in fresh daily wherever I am. —Richard Lewis
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. —Albert Einstein
PROFESSIONALISM
A professional is a man who can do his job when he doesn't feel like it. An amateur is a man who can't do his job when he does feel like it. —James Agate
PROJECTS
Don't undertake a project unless it is manifestly important and nearly impossible. —Edwin H. Land
PROMISES
A man apt to promise is apt to forget. —Thomas Fuller
Promise little and do much.
Promises may make friends, but 'tis performances that keep them.
Some men divide their time equally: one half making promises, one half making excuses. If you make no promises, you'll need no excuses and can then devote all your time to getting business. —William C. Hunter
PSYCHIATRISTS
If you are suffering from paranoia, everyone will tell you about it.
You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely broke.
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air.
A psychotic is the man who lives in it.
A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.
I do not have a psychiatrist, and I do not want one for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. —James Thurber
Mad money is the fee charged by psychiatrists.
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. —Samuel Goldwyn
A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself. —Fred Allen
Advice to psychiatrists: In treating cases of amnesia, collect the fee in advance.
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. —Laurence Peter
I gave up visiting my psychoanalyst because he was meddling too much in my private life. —Tennessee Williams
PSYCHOLOGY
He knew the precise psychological moment when to say nothing. —Oscar Wilde
PUNCTUALITY
Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. —Evelyn Waugh
Punctuality: the art of guessing correctly how late the other party is going to be.
PUNS
A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first. —Oscar Levant
I never knew an enemy to puns who was not an ill-natured man. —Charles Lamb
Of puns it has been said that they who most dislike them are least able to utter them. —Edgar Allan Poe
The inveterate punster follows a conversation as a shark follows a ship. —Stephen Leacock
PUPPIES
The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—they'll settle for a puppy every time. —Winston Pendelton
QUARRELS
The only people who listen to both sides of a family quarrel are the next-door neighbors.
Quarreling is like cutting water with a sword.
QUESTIONS
To a quick question, give a slow answer.
There are two sides to every question that we are not interested in.
There are two sides to every question, otherwise it would not be a question.
Avoid a questioner, for such a man is also a tattler. —Horace
RACEHORSES
A racehorse is the only creature that can take thousands of people for a ride at the same time.
If fifty thousand people ran daily at a race track, not one horse would attend.
RADICALS
A radical is a man with both feet firmly planted in the air. —Franklin Delano Roosevelt
RAGE
Don't fly into a rage unless you are prepared for a rough landing.
RAINBOWS
When I was a kid, I was so poor that in my neighborhood the rainbow was black and white. —Rodney Dangerfield
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. —Dolly Parton
RATS
He bears an unmistakable resemblance to a cornered rat. —Norman Mailer
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. —Lily Tomlin
READING
Read the best books first, or you may not have a chance to read them at all. —Henry David Thoreau
There is a great deal of difference between the eager man who wants to read a book and the tired man who wants a book to read. —G. K. Chesterton
He has left off reading altogether, to the great improvement of his originality. —Charles Lamb
REALISTS
You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a realist, he is preparing to do something that he is secretly ashamed of doing. —Sydney J. Harris
REASON
The best way to get someone to listen to reason is to mix some flattery with it.
REASONS
There's always a good reason, and then there's the real reason.
A man's acts are usually right, but his reasons seldom are.
Give your decisions, never your reasons; your decisions may be right, but your reasons are sure to be wrong. —William Murray
REBELS
There comes a time when rebellious young people should take their turn as adults against whom the next wave of youngsters can rebel. —D. Sutten
RECESSIONS
A recession is a period during which you discover how much money you were wasting on nonessentials.
REFRIGERATORS
A refrigerator is a place where you store leftovers until they are ready to be thrown out.
RELATIVES
God sends our relatives, but we can choose our friends.
RELATIVITY
When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute—and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity. —Albert Einstein
Everything is relative: You're expendable when you ask for a raise but indispensable when you ask for a day off.
RELIGION
Men will wrangle for religion, write for it, fight for it, die for it—anything but live for it. —C. C. Colton
If men are so wicked with religion, what would they be without it? —Benjamin Franklin
REMEDIES
For every evil under the sun, There is a remedy or there is none. If there is one, try and find it, If there be none, never mind it.
REPARTEE
Repartee is a duel fought with the points of jokes. —Max Eastman
Repartee is what you think of on the way home.
REPENTANCE
We withdraw our wrath from the man who admits that he is justly punished. —Aristotle
Too late repents the rat when caught by the cat. —John Florio
REPUTATION
Character is made by what you stand for; reputation, by what you fall for. —Robert Quillen
The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour.
RESPECT
I was always taught to respect my elders, and I've reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect. —George Burns
RESPONSIBILITY
Soon after I received my Acme pencil, it rolled off the desk and onto the floor. I bent over to pick it up and strained my back. On the way up I hit my head on the desk. Can I sue and hold Acme responsible?
REST
A day away from some people is like a month in the country. —Howard Dietz
RESTAURANT SERVICE
I'd complain about the service if I could find a waiter to complain to. —Mel Caiman
RETIREMENT
Retirement means twice as much husband on half as much money.
REVENGE
Forgetting of a wrong is mild revenge. —Thomas Fuller
Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you. —Austin O'Malley
RICH
Don't knock the rich—when did a poor person ever give you a job?
RICHES
The greatest luxury of riches is that they enable you to escape so much good advice. —Sir Arthur Helps
RIDICULE
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the mule, for instance: His character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has done to him.
Ridicule is the deadliest of weapons against a lofty
cause. —Samuel Hopkins Adams
RIGHT
Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change. And when we are right, make us easy to live with. —Peter Marshall
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. —Mark Twain
RISK TAKING
Yes, risk taking is inherently failure-prone. Otherwise, it would be called sure-thing-taking. —Tim McMahon
ROADS
It's a short road that somebody hasn't written a song about.
The road to hell is always in good repair because its users pay so dearly for its upkeep.
ROCK JOURNALISM
Most rock journalism is people who cannot write interviewing people who cannot talk for people who cannot read. —Frank Zappa
ROCK 'N' ROLL
The greatest line in rock 'n' roll is, "Awopbopaloobop Alopbamboom." Top that if you can! —Wilko Johnson
ROOSTERS
A good rooster crows in any henhouse. —Frank C. Brown
ROSES
Why is it no one ever sent me yet One perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah, no, it's always just my luck to get One perfect rose. —Dorothy Parker
ROWE'S RULE
Rowe's rule: The odds are 5 to 6 that the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train. —Paul Dickson
RUTS
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. —Ellen Glasgow
SACRIFICE
Virtue does not always demand heavy sacrifice— only the willingness to make it when necessary.
SADNESS
No one is more profoundly sad than he who laughs too much.
For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: "It might have been." —John Greenleaf Whittier
SAINTS
A bad man is worse when he pretends to be a saint. —Francis Bacon
SALES
The clergy can do nothing about rainy Sundays; they are in sales, not in management.
SANITY
I suppose it is much more comfortable to be mad and not know it than to be sane and have one's doubts. —G. B. Burgin
SANTA CLAUS
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. —Shirley Temple
Santa Claus has the right idea: Visit people once a year. —Victor Borge
SATISFACTION
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. —George Bernard Shaw
SAVE
Whenever you hear the word save, it is usually the beginning of an advertisement designed to make you spend money.
SAVED
Few sinners are saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. —Mark Twain
SAVING
Saving is a very fine thing, especially when your parents have done it for you. —Winston Churchill
SAVING FACE
If you want to save face, keep the lower half shut.
SCALPERS
A ticket scalper is a man who enables you to see one football game for the price of five.
SCARE
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. —E. W. Howe
SCHOOL BUS DRIVERS
Everyone is in awe of the lion tamer in a cage with a half-dozen lions—everyone but a school bus driver.
SCIENCE
When science finishes getting man up to the moon, maybe it can have another try at getting pigeons down from public buildings.
SCREENS
Screens: the wire mesh that keeps flies from getting out of the house. —Abe Martin
SCRIPTURE
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand. . . . The passages that bother me are those I do understand. —Mark Twain
SCULPTORS
You show me a sculptor who works in the basement, and I'll show you a low-down chiseler.
SEAFOOD DIET
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
SEASICK
We all like to see people seasick when we are not ourselves. —Mark Twain
SECRETS
Whoever wishes to keep a secret must hide the fact that he possesses one. —Johann von Goethe
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.
The only way to keep a secret is to forget it.
If you wish to preserve your secret, wrap it up in frankness. —Alexander Smith
A woman can keep one secret—the secret of her age. —Voltaire
The proof that women can keep secrets better than men is that they can be engaged for months before telling their fiancés all about it.
SEEKING
Seek and ye shall find that a lot of other people are looking for the same thing.
SELF-DECEPTION
Self-deception is the first law of human nature.
SELF-INTEREST
Poke any saint deeply enough, and you touch self-interest. —Irving Wallace
SELF-MADE MEN
He is a self-made man and worships his creator. —John Bright
He is a self-made man, which shows what happens when you don't follow the directions.
SERENITY
God, give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. —Reinhold Niebuhr
SETTLEMENT
Any time a man can't come and settle with you without bringing his lawyer—look out for him. —Will Rogers
SEWAGE
She poured a little social sewage into his ears. —George Meredith
SHAMEFUL
Harmless is the opposite of harmful, but shameless and shameful are the same.
SHEEP
Make yourself into a sheep, and you'll meet a wolf nearby.
He is a sheep in sheep's clothing. —Sir Winston Churchill
SHINS
A shin is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
SHOPPING
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
I feel like such a failure. I've been shopping for over twenty years, and I still have nothing to wear.
SHORT MEN
It's better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
SIGNS
Question on church sign board: This Is a Ch------ch. What Is Missing? U-R.
Sign on sanitarium: Nobody Leaves Here Mad.
Sign in church vestibule: "If you were on trial for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?"
SILENCE
Silence isn't always golden; sometimes it's just plain yellow.
The fact that silence is golden may explain why there is so little of it.
Silence: the unbearable repartee. —G. K. Chesterton
Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. —Josh Billings
Silence is not always tact, and it is tact that is golden, not silence. —Samuel Butler
There is no point in speaking unless you can improve on silence.
Saying nothing indicates a fine command of the English language.
Silence can't be misquoted.
Sometimes you have to be silent to be heard.
SIMPLE THINGS
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life, like men.
SIN
The wages of sin is an income for life.
Every sin is the result of a collaboration. —Stephen Crane
There is no sin without previous preparation.
Sin has always been an ugly word, but it has been made so in a new sense over the last half century. It has been made not only ugly but passe. People are no longer sinful. They are only immature or underprivileged or frightened or, more particularly, sick. —Phyllis McGinley
SINCERITY
He has the ability to be sincere without being honest. —Clemet Greenberg
SINGING
I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am. —Charles Farrar Browne
SITTING
Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits. I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine. —Robert Benchley
SKUNKS
It doesn't pay to fight with a skunk because if you win, you lose.
It doesn't pay to fight with a skunk, you may win but you will come out smelling something awful. —Abraham Lincoln
SLEEP
Most people spend their lives going to bed when they're not sleepy and getting up when they are! —Cindy Adams
SMALL TOWNS
It was such a small town that we didn't even have a village idiot. We had to take turns.
The town was so small it had only one yellow page.
SMILES
Don't open a shop unless you like to smile. —Chinese Proverb
SMOKING
As ye smoke, so shall ye reek.
To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did; I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times. —Mark Twain
I will grant, here, that I have stopped smoking now and then for a few months at a time, but it was not on principle—it was only to show off; it was to pulverize those critics who said I was a slave to my habits and couldn't break my bonds. —Mark Twain
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Smoking won't send you to hell; it only makes it smell like you've been there.
SNOBS
Snobs talk as if they had begotten their ancestors. —Herbert Agar
SNORING
Laugh, and the world laughs with you; snore, and you sleep alone.
SOCIOLOGISTS
The parable of the Good Samaritan for sociologists: A man was attacked and left bleeding in a ditch. Two sociologists passed by, and one said to the other, "We must find the man who did this— he needs help."
SOFTNESS OF HEAD
I think there is only one quality worse than hardness of heart, and that is softness of head. —Theodore Roosevelt
SOLITUDE
Solitude is a good place to visit but a poor place to stay. —Josh Billings
SOLUTIONS
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
SONS
At five years of age, your son is your master, at ten your slave, at fifteen your double, and after that your friend or foe.
SORROW
Sorrow is like a precious treasure, shown only to friends.
It's a short way from happiness to sorrow but a long way from sorrow to happiness.
SPEAKERS
Some speakers electrify their listeners; others only gas them. —Sidney Smith
Fill your mouth with marbles, and make a speech. Every day reduce the number of marbles in your mouth, and make a speech. You will soon become an accredited public speaker—as soon as you have lost all your marbles. —Brooks Hays
SPEAKING
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in one language is priceless.
Think twice before you speak and then talk to yourself.
Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say enough on that subject. —Charles Talleyrand
SPECULATION
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can. —Mark Twain
SPEECHES
Three things matter in a speech—who says it, how he says it, and what he says—and of the three, the last matters the least. —John Morley
The most popular after-dinner speech that any man can make is, "I'll wash the dishes."
If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. —Calvin Coolidge
If a thing goes without saying, let it. —Jacob M. Braude
Speeches are like babies—easy to conceive but hard to deliver. —Pat O'Malley
SPENDING
Don't think you can spend yourself rich. —George Humphrey
SPITTING
He who spits against the wind spits in his own face.
I don't get angry, but where I spit the grass dies.
SPORTSWRITERS
If I ever needed a brain transplant, I'd choose a sportswriter because I'd want a brain that had never been used. —Norm Van Brocklin
STATESMEN
The first requirement of a statesman is that he be dull. This is not always easy to achieve. —Dean Acheson
STATING THE OBVIOUS
I like the way you always manage to state the obvious with a sense of real discovery. —Gore Vidal
STATISTICS
He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts—for support, not illumination. —Andrew Lang
In ancient times they had no statistics, so they had to fall back on lies. —Stephen Leacock
Statistics show what really happens if you exercise daily—you die healthier.
STEALING
A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. —Theodore Roosevelt
STEPPING ON TOES
The best way to keep from stepping on the other fellow's toes is to put yourself in his shoes.
STEPPING-STONES
The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping-stones is the way you use them.
STITCH IN TIME
A stitch in time saves embarrassment.
STOCK MARKET
If ignorance paid dividends, everyone would make a fortune in the stock market.
STORAGE
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. If you throw it away, you will need it the next day.
STORYTELLING
The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a bad one.
A good storyteller is a person who has a good memory and hopes other people haven't.
STRANGERS
I do desire we may be better strangers. —William Shakespeare
STUPIDITY
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
He was good-natured, obliging, and immensely ignorant and endowed with a stupidity which by the least little stretch would go around the globe four times and tie. —Mark Twain
SUBURBIA
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names streets after them. —Bill Vaughn
SUCCESS
If at first you do succeed, it's probably your father's business.
The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
Behind every successful man there stands an amazed woman.
There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man that didn't tell you all about it? —Frank McKinney Hubbard
Success: the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. —Ambrose Bierce
All men want to succeed; some want to succeed so badly they're even willing to work for it.
Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure. —Earl Wilson
The reason many people don't climb the ladder of success is that they're waiting for the elevator.
Anyone can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend's success. —Oscar Wilde
Three things are needed for success: a backbone, a wishbone, and a funny bone.
Success has made failures of many men.
You don't have to lie awake nights to succeed— just stay awake days.
SUFFERING
If you suffer, thank God! It is a sure sign that you are alive. —Elbert Hubbard
Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it. —Helen Keller
SUITS
The reason men's suits look the same year after year is that most men are wearing the same ones.
SUNBURN
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do now. —Will Rogers
SUPERHIGHWAYS
Superhighway: a prison in motion.
SUSPENSE
Even cowards can endure hardship; only the brave can endure suspense. —Mignon McLaughlin
SUSPICION
If you would avoid suspicion, don't lace your shoes in a melon field.
SWEEPING
If everyone sweeps in front of his door, the whole city will be clean.
TACKS
It's a sure sign somebody has been thinking about you when you find a tack in your chair.
TAKE-HOME PAY
The trouble with take-home pay today is that it turns out to be just about enough to get you there.
TALENT
Another difference between talent and genius is that talent gets paid.
It is in the ability to deceive oneself that one shows the greatest talent. —Anatole France
TALK
A child learns to talk in about two years, but it takes about sixty years for him to learn to keep his mouth shut.
Women eat while they are talking; men talk while they are eating.
A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself. —Lisa Kirk
Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. —Addison Mizner
You may talk too much on the best of subjects. —Benjamin Franklin
There is so much good in the worst of us, And so much bad in the best of us, That it hardly behooves any of us To talk about the rest of us.
Two great talkers will not travel far together. —George Borrow
Look out fer th' feller who lets you do all th' talkin'. —Frank McKinney Hubbard
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
TAXES
I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried—but they wanted cash.
We have taxed our economy the way old-time doctors bled their patients, and with similar results.
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.
There will always be two classes of people who don't like to pay income taxes: men and women.
With the state the world is in, any government could raise unlimited revenue simply by taxing sins.
The taxpayer—that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take a civil service examination. —Ronald Reagan
Don't get excited about a tax cut. It's like a mugger giving you back fare for a taxi. —Arnold Glasow
TEARS
The most effective water power in the world— women's tears. —Wilson Mizner
TEENAGERS
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. —Fran Lebowitz
When a teenager is watching television, listening to her CD player, and talking on the phone, she is probably doing her homework.
Don't tell a teenager that her hair looks like a mop; she probably doesn't know what a mop is.
There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.
TELEPHONES
What happens when the human body is completely submerged in water? The telephone rings.
TELEVISION
When you watch television, you never see people watching television. We love television because it brings us a world in which television does not exist. —Barbara Ehrenreich
Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it as well as contributing to the need for it. —Alfred Hitchcock
Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home. —David Frost
I wish there were a knob on the television so you could turn up the intelligence. They have one marked "brightness," but it doesn't work very well.
In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn't danced on television. —Erma Bombeck
Television—a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. —Ernie Kovacs
Nowadays early to bed and early to rise probably means the television set isn't working.
Television brings the family into the same room so that they can ignore each other close together.
TELL IT LIKE IT IS
We have enough people who tell it like it is—now we could use a few who tell it like it can be. —Robert Orben
TEMPER
When you are right, you can afford to keep your temper, and when your are in the wrong, you cannot afford to lose it.
TEMPTATION
The biggest human temptation is ... to settle for too little. —Thomas Merton
Don't worry about avoiding temptation—as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
Opportunity knocks but once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
When you run from temptation, don't leave a forwarding address.
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. —Mark Twain
TEN COMMANDMENTS
Someone has tabulated that we have 35 million laws on the books to enforce the Ten Commandments. —Bert Masterson
THANKFULNESS
If you can't be thankful for what you have, be thankful for what you have escaped.
THINKING
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you. —Don Marquis
Why can't somebody give us a list of things everybody thinks and nobody says and another list of things that everybody says and nobody thinks? —Oliver Wendell Holmes
The man who says what he thinks is finished, and the man who thinks what he says is an idiot. —Rolf Hochhuth
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. —William James
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
THINKING IT OVER
When a person tells you, "I'll think it over and let you know"—you know. —Olin Miller
THREATS
Do not threaten a child; either punish or forgive him.
TIME
Killing time can be suicide.
I've been on a calendar but never on time. —Marilyn Monroe
Who kills time murders opportunity. —Frederick H. Seymour
If you've got time to kill, work it to death.
TIMES CHANGE
Times change: In the old days no one asked how many miles a horse did on a bundle of hay.
TIME WASTERS
The worst thing about time wasters is that so much of the time they waste what doesn't belong to them.
TOLERANCE
Tolerance is the ability to listen to a person describe the same ailment you have.
TOMBSTONES
Many a tombstone inscription is a grave error.
TONGUE
The tongue: We spend three years learning how to use it and the rest of our lives learning how to control it.
TOO BIG FOR HIS BRITCHES
He who gets too big for his britches gets exposed in the end.
TOURISTS
Tourists are alike: They all want to go places where there are not tourists.
TRAVEL
In America there are two classes of travel: first class and with children. —Robert Benchley
If God meant for us to travel tourist class, he would have made us narrower. —Martha Zimmerman
TROUBLE
If you're going looking for trouble, you don't need to get ready for a long trip.
Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important. —T. S. Eliot
The capacity for getting into trouble and the ability for getting out of it are seldom combined in the same person.
Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you. Every horse thinks his own pack the heaviest.
Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine cases out of ten someone will intercept it before it reaches you. —Calvin Coolidge
The wind in a man's face makes him wise. —John Ray
The things that are hardest to bear are sweetest to remember. —Seneca
Of all our troubles great and small,
The greatest are those that don't happen at all.
If winter comes, can spring be far behind? —Percy Bysshe Shelley
Your neighbors' troubles are not as bad as yours, but their children are worse.
I have had troubles in my life, but the worst of them never came. —James A. Garfield
TRUTH
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. —Mark Twain
The absolute truth is the thing that makes people laugh. —Carl Reiner
Telling the truth is a business in which there is very little competition.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. —Winston Churchill
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth. —Will Rogers
Nowadays, truth is not only stranger than fiction, it's a lot cleaner.
Half the truth is often a great lie.
He who speaks the truth should have one foot in the stirrup.
A man that should call everything by its right name would hardly pass the streets without being knocked down as a common enemy. —Lord Halifax
A man would rather have a hundred lies told of him than one truth which he does not wish should be told. —Samuel Johnson
Truth always lags behind, limping along on the arm of time. —Baltasar Gracian
The truth doesn't hurt unless it ought to. —B. C. Forbes
Truth never dies but leads a tortured life.
UGLY
How can ugly be pretty?
UNCLE SAM
I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around in April.
UNDECIDED
Decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, solid for fluidity, all-powerful to be impotent. —Winston Churchill
Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well informed just to be undecided about them. —Laurence J. Peter
UNDERSTANDING
If men talked about only what they understood, the silence would become unbearable. —Max Lerner
UNEMPLOYMENT
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
UNEXPECTED
After the unexpected has happened, there is always someone who knew it would.
Unexpected things happen more often than those you hope for.
UNHAPPY
Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact. —Bertrand Russell
UNICORNS
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
UNITED STATES
The United States never lost a war or won a conference. —Will Rogers
UNIVERSE
I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around town.
UNKNOWN
People are afraid of the future, of the unknown. If a man faces up to it and takes the dare of the future, he can have some control over his destiny. That's an exciting idea to me, better than waiting with everybody else to see what's going to happen. —John Glenn
USELESS
He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages. —Mark Twain
VARIETY
It's a long road that has no turning.
VEGETARIANS
Vegetarians eat vegetables. What do humanitarians eat?
VICE PRESIDENT
The vice presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does. —Bill Vaughan
Once there were two brothers. One ran away to sea, and the other was elected vice president, and nothing was heard of either of them again. —Thomas Riley Marshall
The vice president is like a man in a cataleptic state: He cannot speak; he cannot move; he suffers no pain; and yet he is perfectly conscious of everything that is going on around him. —Thomas Riley Marshall
VILLAINY
One may smile and smile and be a villain. —William Shakespeare
VOICEMAIL
You have reached the--------family. What you hear is the barking of our killer Doberman pinscher, Wolf. Please leave a message after the tone.
VOTING
It's easier to vote a straight party ticket than it is to find a straight party.
Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing. —Bernard Baruch
WAITERS
When you go to a restaurant, choose a table near a waiter.
WAITING
There are two kinds of people in one's life— people whom one keeps waiting and the people for whom one waits. —S. N. Behrman
WALLETS
An empty wallet is heavier to carry than a full one.
WARDROBE
The little girl of today starts school with a larger wardrobe than her grandmother had when she got married.
WASHINGTON, D. C.
Washington is the place where nobody believes in rumor until it has been officially denied.
I love to go to Washington—if only to be near my money. —Bob Hope
WEALTH
It is true that wealth won't make a man virtuous, but I notice there ain't anybody who wants to be poor just for the purpose of being good. —Josh Billings
Anyone can become wealthy in America by inventing something useful that doesn't last long—like most home appliances.
WELL-ADJUSTED PEOPLE
A well-adjusted person is one who can play golf and bridge as if they were games.
WHEN ...
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. —James H. Boren
WICKED
The wicked flee when no man pursueth, but they flee even faster when someone is after them.
WILL
Where there's a will there are relatives.
WINE
Wine hath drowned more men than the sea. —Thomas Fuller
WINNERS
It's easy to spot winners—they're the ones not complaining about the rules.
WISDOM
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. —H. L. Mencken
Not all things have to be scrutinized nor all friends tested nor all enemies exposed and denounced.
Nine-tenths of wisdom is being wise in time. —Theodore Roosevelt
A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can. —Michel de Montaigne
A wise man's question contains half the answer.
Fools live to regret their words, wise men to regret their silences. —Will Henry
WISECRACKING
Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words. —Dorothy Parker
WISHES
Wishes won't do dishes.
If wishes were horses, beggars might ride. —John Ray
WIT
Impropriety is the soul of wit. —W. Somerset Maugham
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no learning, no force of character can make any stand against good wit. —Ralph Waldo Emerson
Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food. —William Hazlitt
WIVES
She would have made a splendid wife, for crying only made her eyes more bright and tender. —O. Henry
Any man who can't stand his wife lecturing to him might find it a little easier to take sitting down. —Irvin S. Cobb
Every man needs a wife because he can't blame everything on the government.
WOLVES
Many a father spends part of his time keeping the wolf from his door and the rest of the time keeping the wolf from his daughter.
It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while the wolf remains of a different opinion. —William Ralph Inge
WOMAN'S INTUITION
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. —George Jean Nathan
WOMEN
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. —Oscar Wilde
Not ten yoke of oxen have the power to draw us like a woman's hair! —Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
On one issue at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women. —H. L. Mencken
I hate women because they always know where things are. —James Thurber
When a man boasts that he understands women, you can be sure that some woman has been flattering him.
Women don't dress to please men; if they did, they would dress a lot faster.
After equality, wage parity, liberation of body and soul, and the extension for the ratification of the ERA, women still can't do the following:
Start barbecue fires
Hook up a stereo
Shine shoes
Anything on a roof
Decide where to hang a picture
Investigate mysterious house noises at night
WOODPECKERS
Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head and keeps pecking away until he finishes the job he starts. —Coleman Cox
WORDS
Keep your words soft and sweet—you never know when you might have to eat them.
He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met. —Abraham Lincoln
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them. —Adlai Stevenson
As long as words are in your mouth, you are their lord; once you utter them, you are their slave. —Solomon Ibn Gabirol
The bitterest words are those we are forced to eat.
The longest word in the English language is the one following the phrase "And now a word from our sponsor."
WORK
Menial work brings out the disposition of people: Some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, while most don't even turn up at all.
You'll never plough a field by turning it over in your mind.
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. The idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart. —Jerome K. Jerome
Many a man works hard and saves money so that his sons won't have the disadvantages that made a man of their father.
My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it. —Abraham Lincoln
All work and no play makes Jack the wealthiest man in the cemetery.
Anybody can do any amount of work, so long as it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing. —Robert Benchley
Don't stand around doing nothing—people will think you're just a workman.
Don't stand around doing nothing—people will think you're the boss.
You can't occupy a place in the sun without being exposed to blisters.
Not to teach your son to work is like teaching him to steal.
WORKING OUT
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. —Carol Leifer
WORRY
The reason worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. —Robert Frost
Worry is like a rocking chair: Both give you something to do, but neither gets you anywhere.
Worry: the interest paid by those who borrow trouble. —George W. Lyon
WRITERS
In the Soviet Union a writer who is critical, as we know, is taken to a lunatic asylum. In the United States he's taken to a talk show. —Carlos Fuentes
WRITING
Some day I hope to write a book where the royalties will pay for the copies I give away. —Clarence Darrow
Write—if you find work.
Every writer is a frustrated actor who recites his lines in the hidden auditorium of his skull. —Rod Serling
He's a writer for the ages—for the ages of four to eight. —Dorothy Parker
If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find something in them to hang him. —Cardinal Richelieu
The multitude of books is a great evil. There is no limit to this fever for writing. —Martin Luther
When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing. —Enrique Jardiel Poncela
After being turned down by numerous publishers, he decided to write for posterity. —George Ade
Writing a book is an adventure: It begins as an amusement, then it becomes a mistress, then a master, and finally a tyrant. —Winston Churchill
Writing is not hard. Just get paper and pencil, sit down, and write it as it occurs to you. The writing is easy—it's the occurring that's hard. —Stephen Leacock
Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. —Gene Fowler
As a general rule, run your pen through every other word you have written; you have no idea what vigor it will give your style. —Sidney Smith
The greatest part of a writer's time is spent in reading in order to write; a man will turn over half a library to make one book. —Samuel Johnson
Make 'em laugh; make 'em cry; make 'em wait. —Charles Reade
There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. —Red Smith
His books are selling like wildfire. Everybody's burning them. —George DeWitt
WRONG
If you are willing to admit when you are wrong, you are right.
The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong. —Wilson Mizner
If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. —Edward A. Murphy
YAWNS
A yawn is nature's way of giving the person listening to a bore an opportunity to open his mouth.
YOU'RE RIGHT
No sound is more pleasing to the human ear than the sound of someone admitting that you're right.
YOUTH
I am not young enough to know everything. —James M. Barrie
I'll tell ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people. —Bob Hope
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. —Lucille Ball
In America the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience. —Oscar Wilde
Youngsters brighten up a home, but only because they never turn off the lights.
The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people and greatly assists the circulation of their blood. —Logan Pearsall Smith
YOUTHFUL FIGURES
A youthful figure is what you get when you ask a woman her age.
—Phillips' Treasury of Humorous Quotations
