"Look up the word love in any dictionary and you'll find two separate definitions. The first: an abstract noun encapsulating a feeling of tenderness, passion and warmth. The second: a verb defined by concrete actions such as giving affection or expressing tenderness and care. The trouble with these parallel definitions of love is that too often people are satisfied with (and even preoccupied by) the primary definition and never get around to the secondary one.
Treating love as an "entity" or "idea" often leads to a fantasy of love (link is external). This fantasy connection, which binds people together in an imaginary fusion even as they continue to mistreat each other, makes practical and personal adjustments to improve the relationship difficult. We often first experienced the discrepancy between a fantasy of love and the experience of love as children, at times when our parents, who claimed to love us, acted in ways that were not always loving and, even destructive. The more we see love as an ethereal concept, the more we lose sight of the specific behaviors that make love an active expression of our feelings for others. When we see love as a product of action, however, we can look into ourselves and our relationships with fresh eyes and examine how loving we truly are.
If everyone you know was to make a list of the actions they find loving, these lists would most likely include similar qualities. Expressing affection, sexuality and caring are universally considered loving behaviors. Similarly, there are specific actions that are recognized as going against loving feelings. By approaching ourselves and our relationships with this proactive, pro-action perspective, we can change the course of our relationships and develop into more loving individuals."
By: Lisa Firestone
